8/14/10

I began today an independent study on conscious touch.

The impetus was my feeling grouchy, limbically empty, and sad that I’m of the opinion that I’m not getting touched enough.

2 important background lists that the grouchiness led me to  make.

A. What I used to want/expect Sex to take care of for me:

Have fun. Relax. Let off steam. Express my creativity. Get attention. Ger exercise. Feel loved. Take a break from working. Connect with other people.

(IS THAT ALL? WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT?)

B. What has not worked for me to get the conscious touch I want:

Planning to seek it out apart from my partner disdainfully or punitively. Silently hoping people will touch me more. Blaming and accusing. (“You really don’t care about me, do you, or you’d touch me more!”) Fantasizing how others used to touch me and wanting those memory fumes to dull the pain in a moment of feeling isolated from someone. Hovering close to people hoping they won’t be able to resist touching me. When they can and do resist, take that personally. Then bounce to the other end of the spectrum…hold myself physically apart and try to mitigate the disappointment. Grow further isolated and resentful. Create the mental story that someone is a sadist and they are not touching me to punish me. (But there’s no sweet aftercare when it’s not deliberate sadism.)

**************

So I decided to seek more information on this topic.

Each of the subjects were asked 2 questions, and whether it’s okay to anonymously publish their thoughts. Here are the results.

*************

The format:

Question 1: What do you do to receive conscious touch in your life?

Question 2: In what ways do you prefer the people around you seek out conscious touch? What works well for you personally?

(I did some paraphrasing of different words when I asked these questions, but this is the just of it)

(Anonymous replies other than

Gender

Age

Relationship Status

Ethnicity

City of residence)

*************

Subject 1

Q1: I ask for it. There are some men I feel safe with already who know they can offer it, especially when I’m emotional, and it will be welcome. When I’m talking, I make a point to casually touch people. My clients know they can ask for hugs. With friends I lean on them, or put my feet in their lap. They know they can then do the same with me. I’m very touchy-feely when in relationships…I’m usually the one that initiates and my partners all seemed to love it. I sit in their laps. My behavior initiates it as much as my words.

Q2: I like it when people say, “Do yo do hugs?” Nearly every time someone’s willing to ask for a hug, I’ll say yes. I like people doing what I do in a relationship – developing a touching relationship slowly. I like comforting touch, and getting my back rubbed. I heard a woman say when she has gone on a few dates with someone she’ll ask, “I’m ready to touch. Are you ready to touch?”

Gender Female

Age 33

Relationship Status Separated, on way to divorce

Ethnicity Caucasian

City of residence Berkeley

****************

Subject 2

Q1: With my wife, we’re just learning after 10 years of marriage how to touch each other all over again. We’re working on changing habits that got in the way of our being close. I describe it as “consciously, deliberately, and clumsily”. When I’m hanging out with my male friends, we do hugging, back slapping, shaking hands.

Q2: It usually happens intuitively through body language and facial expression that lets me know. Sometimes they reach out for a hug or a handshake and I like that. Knowing a person well makes knowing each others’ boundaries easier.

Gender Male

Age 56

Relationship Status Married

Ethnicity Caucasian

City of residence Fremont

{{Then he added an awesome statement. “I resigned from the mind-reading society….either way.” Je suis jaloux.}}

****************

Subject 3

Q1: Dancing. Massage. Biodanza classes were the most healing thing for me. You start exercises alone, then after a couple of songs you might hold hands with 1 person, then it might turn into more of a group activity. I wondered if it was safe first, and it totally is. The touching between women was very healing for me. After 1 class, I was touched by more women in 1 evening than the rest of my life put together. I became a physically different person after those classes, much more touchy. I get hugs from and touch friends. I lean on people I know.

Q2: I don’t really think about it. I only really notice it when people approach with a demand instead of a comfortable easy request. When people put their arms out automatically and move in for a hug, it doesn’t give me a choice. It matters to me if I know the person has a hard time being touched. When they are scared of it, I know you don’t just get over it that easily.

Gender Female

Age 51

Relationship Status Single

Ethnicity African-Carribean and Caucasian

City of residence San Francisco

***************

Subject 4

Q1: I don’t seek it out. At all. This is a very difficult topic for me.

Q2: This question is even more difficult than #1! I feel threatened when people ask for touch. It doesn’t happen that much. Usually when they ask, I don’t want to give it.

Gender Female

Age declined to state

Relationship Status Single

Ethnicity Caucasian

City of residence declined to state

************

Subject 5

Q1: I ask for it. And I ask for it from people likely to be willing and at times when it’s likely to be safe and wonderful. (BC asked for an example of how she asks.) “Would you be willing to have some non-sexual cuddling after dinner?”

Sometimes people are really good at staying in a hug for a long time, like a couple of minutes. Then I might ask “it is okay to kiss your neck?” or “May I stroke your back?” If I get yes, I do it. If I get no, I don’t do it. And if I get no sometimes I’ll ask “is there something else you would prefer?” or “What else makes sense to you?”

The closer I come to judging accurately, the more likely I am to get yeses, which I like. When I get no’s, I decide whether to write them off or is it just maybe a bad time for them.

Q2: Make specific proposals, preferably time-bound. i.e. “Could we cuddle for an hour?”

Gender Female

Age 62

Relationship Status “In a very committed open relationship”

Ethnicity (BC forgot to ask permission)

City of residence NYC

*****************

Subject 6

Q1: From friends and family. I ask for hugs and cuddles. Also by working with professionals – massage therapists and physical therapists.

Q2: Ask verbally, or cue me physically in a way that it would be easy to back off. If they’re coming in for touch, make it clear that it’s a handshake or a hug. Be able to negotiate quickly through body and eye movement.

Gender Female

Age 42

Relationship Status Married

Ethnicity White

City of residence San Francisco

************

Subject 7

Q1: I hire massage therapists. I invite or receive from loved ones.

Q2: Verbal or non-verbal cues. “Can I have a hug?” is an example of verbal. Opening one’s arms indicating a desire for a hug is an example of non-verbal.

Gender Female

Age 41

Relationship Status Married

Ethnicity White

City of residence San Francisco

***********

Subject 8

Q1: You mean like physical touch? I ask for it from my husband. I initiate or give it. I give people hugs a lot. When I greet people, I tend to either touch or hug them.

Q2: I don’t mind when people trying to feel open to my energy initiate touch. As long as they’re trying to be conscious of how I’m receiving it, I don’t mind their initiating. If it seems like a bad time, they can back off. I wish more people had an easier time asking for touch but that doesn’t happen as often, other than from my husband. I wish everyone was huggy and touchy and loving like that. <We then talking about how she just returned from spending time holding a newborn baby.>

Gender Female

Age 36

Relationship Status Married

Ethnicity African-American

City of residence Spartanburg, SC

****************

Subject 9

Q1: I go to events where other people I know are there and they’ll be likely to hug me. Once in a while I’ll schedule a get-together to OM. I don’t get much touch lately, actually.

Q2: Either direct touching or requesting touch. They’re both perfectly fine with me. I know there are 2 distinct types of men. Those who touch and then those who touch to just escalate towards sex. I tend to be more of the first type, more cuddly.

Gender Male

Age 53

Relationship Status Single

Ethnicity Caucasian

City of residence Declined to state

***************

Subject 10

Q1: That’s a tough one for me. In relationship sometimes I ask my partner to put their hand on certain areas of my body just to hold presence there. I ask for it sometimes. I usually wait for an invitation of permission to ask. It’s hard for me to initiate it from pure desire alone. Sometimes I don’t even know touch is what I need. Sometimes I do things to get attention because I think attention is what I need, but sometimes I do just want touch. I would say I’m very unskilled at asking for it. I have a massage that was gifted to me by my partner coming up this week, for example, and I’m even nervous about that. I think I’m shut down in this area, especially letting other people touch me. Just today I thought, I want to ask 3 people for a hug.

Q2: Just very direct, asking me for exactly how they want to be touched. With permission from me in the moment, as well.

Gender Female

Age 37

Relationship Status “In eternal spiritual relationship”

Ethnicity White/Jewish

City of residence San Francisco

***********

Subject 11 by email

1) What do you do to receive touch in your life?
Hugs.
Short quick hugs are easy to get. Long hugs are harder to get. But the results can be interesting when I run energy.
Massage.
Therapeutic and nourishing.
Cuddling.
Just cuddling is hard to get. Many women don’t want to acknowledge that dirty old men need cuddling too. More important than sex in some ways.
Visit old friends and relatives.
They naturally like to touch.
Play with dogs.
They are naturally affectionate. Animal touch is fun.
BDSM.
Intense touch can feel good even if painful. But only as part of sex or with someone who at least oms with me.
OM.
Sometimes I feel as though I am stroking/touching me, Sometimes I get  orgasms stroking the woman.
Get stroked.
Very intimate. I rarely let new women stroke me nowadays. They don’t appreciate how high I go. And they don’t know how to ground me.  Like *a mutual friend* said, “Why give the teenager the keys to the Ferrari.”
Have sex.
If I was a woman, I would be a responsible slut to get lots of touching as well as lots of orgasms.
Kissing. Long kissing is like being stroked. My favorite way of being touched, actually.
2) How do you want people around you to let you know that they would like to be touched?
Touch me and stay touching.
The message sinks in if one keeps the touch going for more than a minute.
Tell me.
Be direct. Life is so short. Women can get touched just by asking for it  a lot easier than guys can.
Whisper in my ear and keep whispering.
Hug but keep it going.
Kiss me for longer than a hello kiss.
Talk about the role of touching in the relationship/friendship. Give permission to touch.  Explain that being touched is one of your requirements or needs. Explain how and when one wants to be touched.  People are not mind readers.
They would also need to know that I am very shy and usually not assertive like most men. Which usually turns women off, unfortunately.  To tell the truth, when it comes to sex and touching, there is no adult inside – just a couple of child personas who get confused and discouraged easily. They would rather go away than deal with hassles of trying to get touched.

Touching is nourishment for the skin. Without out it, people and animals can shrivel up energetically and die. With it, people blossom.