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Chickoon (chik – koon)
-noun
the feeling of warm safety combined with a sense of rebirth on the recipient’s part that often develops from good cuddling
-verb
to energetically enfold a cuddling partner in a warm safe space, as in: You seem stressed. C’mhere, I’ll chickoon you for a while.
-origin
Last night after researching with my OMing partner, I just naturally layed my head on his chest and he put his legs on top of mine. (He was on his back, I was on my side, for the visual thinkers out there.) He gently stroked my hair and face. In the midst of that, I said I felt I was inside a cocoon, and also felt like a little baby chicken that had just been born. Thus,
chickoon
was created.
I wish that feeling for all of you. It’s wonderful to feel safe and close and gentle and quiet and nurtured. Just plain and simple held. I don’t know that it’s in my nature to give it, but I wish I could give it to you.
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I had fun today helping a massage therapist with his website setup. I’m still learning that when I’ve done something, it counts as expertise, even if I learned it by doing it for my own business!
I’ve setup newsletters, and written them; set up pages for Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Yelp; know Mint.com really well for money tracking and planning; I know Salesforce (which some people don’t know you can use for free online) and have set up systems for tracking sales and marketing activities. I’ve organized the heck out of Gmail messages with the labeling system, and know David Allen’s Getting Things Done recommendations. I know how to edit in iMovie. And let’s not forget our generous host here…I know and enjoy WordPress blogs! Oh, and I also like electronic calendars and databases and I’m learning that not everyone finds them as heavenly to set up as I do.
Jane of many trades. Excited to serve.
Thanks for reading. For telling someone about my services if you are so inclined. For doing your own kind of self-expressing service when and where you can. Thanks for thinking about what would make your life even a little bit better, and then doing that. Thanks for telling someone a truth that has been on your mind. Thanks for customizing your holiday experience to be just right for you. Thanks for choosing love over the lack of it.
Love the tape deck! Love the black halter and black nails!
I’ve had to cut myself off from listening to anymore Susan Tedeschi today. Love her too but you see I’ve made this playlist of 5 of her songs that talk about being left, lost lover blues, having fallen in love with a sturdy man that she thought would always be there, oh, and the best one for crying is about she can’t reach him because he’s wrapped in the arms of another. OW OW OW OW OW
I know it’s not entirely about me. He’s going through about one of the worst things he could be going through. If I could take that away I would. If I could re-do some of the corporate values that I imagine got him in the awful situation, I would.
A friend told me yesterday, “Beth, you got kicked in the gut. It’s okay to just feel that now. You don’t have to be totally spiritual and accepting. Have your feelings about it.”
There is a program exercise to identify:
“Why is this the best thing that has ever happened to me?”
F***** hell. Oy. Okay might as well. I wasn’t expecting this post to go there.
1) The pain had me reach out to TONS of people and reconnect and be reminded that I’m loved and appreciated.
2) I had a divinely healing experience back on the edge last night, which I will write about separately behind the Silver Curtain. (Oh, and the password issue should be fixed now. Shoot me an email if it still doesn’t work for you. beth@unconditionalserenity.com)
3) The title of this post. Oh my lord, am I feeling those back taxes of relationships that I left immediately and without feeling it at the time. I have SO much gratitude for the ones who made it through and we are still friends. I want to be that brave. E just sent me a Happy Birthday text, for example, and the way I cut him off back then was, now I know, practically unforgiveable. And he forgave me and we’re not the closest of friends but there’s love there that we get to express.
4) Last night FriendHusband was my birthday chauffeur extraordinnaire. At one point in time, the plan was to see Cadillac last night after seeing FriendHusband for an hour or 2 where I probably would have been anxiously awaiting the time I could go get face and body time with Cadillac. Instead, FriendHusband and I had some really sweet rich adventures. One of them, a small but significant one. I returned a due book to the library. I hadn’t finished it but couldn’t renew it. I took a few moments to thumb through it in the car. Oh wow, wouldn’t you know the part I hadn’t read happened to be about grieving the end of relationships. Not the linear total end, that was the interesting thing. It talked about how each phase in the relationship when you get more reality that it’s not perfect, it may not work, it’s not the be all end all, that health is grieving those at the time. Well that’s interesting and I never thought about that. It helped me understand some of the back taxes phenomenon I was talking about paying. Not only were there relationships I jumped ship from without giving them the proper respect, there have also been these losses along the way that I didn’t feel because either we were still ostensibly together, or I didn’t think I “should” feel them or something like that. It also said it’s impossible to grieve the loss of 1 while you’re moving on to another person. Yep, learned that through experience, too. Hope to be more disciplined about that this time around.
5) I’ve been willing to ask for more, for whatever reason. I guess with a cracked open heart and a psychic and emotional place that was vacated by a best friend and lover, there is more willingness on my part to maybe hear No when I ask. And to hear Yes. Example. My roommate asked me this morning if I had any special birthday requests. It culminated in her brushing my hair (one of my favorite treats), French braiding it, and leaving her fabulous essential oils collection in my room to enjoy today. Fun!
There’s more but it’s time to go for now. Thanks again everyone for reading. My critical voice tells me “You just write about yourself. You’re so self-absorbed.” But I know some of the themes are universal. OH! And part of the last night experience that I don’t want to forget is that I consider part of my life’s purpose to be giving people permission to be exactly who they are. That has always been important for me, I just didn’t have words for it until adulthood.
So I pray for today to include myself in that.
I pray that Cadillac travels safely and has a wonderful time.
I pray to engage in my re-exploration (Now behind the Bodily Spiritual Practice header; formerly called Medi) in healthy and conscious ways.
I pray that you know how special you are, and that you express your gifts.
I pray that people get free to be sane and connected and nourished.
I pray that you’ll tell at least one little truth today that you may not otherwise have dared. (Example for me. Morning with Charlie’s Angels included a conversation about my edge play that I had assumed they couldn’t handle. But they did and it was beautiful.)
I pray that you listen to your body well today. Do you need to hydrate? Do you need a hug? Do you need to rest your eyes for a few minutes?
I pray that you welcome every little part of you that wants to speak up.
I’ll leave you with this inspiration from a meditation book.
“One must not lose desires. They are mighty stimulants to creativeness, to love, and to long life.” ~Alexander Bogomoletz
Reminder to future self looking back on this post. I listened to this song 20 times today and I have at least 20 more listens in me. We’re accepting happy music as acceptable obsession material these days. (“Them chickens jackin’ my style.” HA HA Ha ha hahaha)
I wrote a vision statement draft for someone today, and it totally lit me up. I called 5 friends who would get it before I found someone to listen. I cried after I read it and my face burned from all the feeling. Sometimes the hardest thing about life is accepting how dang good it can be.
Tonight on the way to play tennis I ran in to the friend I have mentioned before here who is a Buddhism teacher. He lives in the East Bay now, so it was a pleasant surprise to see him in a SF cafe. I’ve been running in to some “politeness” lately, where I show my love for people by staying out of their hair. So worst case scenario, I would have just walked by and told him about it later. I did text him that I had just walked by the cafe but didn’t want to disturb him. My story was that he was on a date with the hot woman he was sitting there laughing with, and I didn’t want him to “have” to explain how he knew me! (We were roommates at OT.) Turns out, he texted me immediately “Come back!!!” so I did. Also turns out the lady I met with him plays tennis. I got her number to play, as she lives in my area! Also turns out, I announced to them feeling great about the professional writing gig, and she is a professional writer and editor! Woah. Dude.
This may be a disconnected thought, but it’s where my mind was around that time so that’s why I’m stringing them together. I noticed that when I have a craving for sex (or at least that’s how I identify it now…maybe it will change when I put attention on it), I think about my pelvic area. And I was walking through the Castro looking at the sex shops and wondering, when gay men have a craving for sex, do they think about their anal area? If so, is that habit, or is the craving literally arising from there and that area literally needs some sort of attention. I don’t know how controversial this next statement will be for people, but it’s true so I’ll go ahead and say it. I prayed for God to touch me on the inside, and I prayed for God to help me allow God inside of my body. I guess that’s controversial for ME to say it to myself, so that’s why I’m worried what you’ll think. I’m just realizing I spent such a long time thinking it was a toxic waste dump inside of me that I wanted to protect everything and everyone from getting the toxicity on them. I know I’m not the only one, and I’m glad that I finally know I’m not the only one.
The About Face workshop I’m doing this Thursday has half guys in the class so they asked for a masculine focus. Oy. Feeling challenged by that. I don’t know how you boys work well enough to know what to say. It has been extremely powerful to recover alongside guys. Before that, I wouldn’t have guessed that guys ever worried about body image or weight.
I’m working with a new client tomorrow. A friend who I know from spiritual practice who is also a massage therapist. We spoke a couple of months ago about my helping him with finances, and I do recall sharing my “real” story with him, including OneTaste. He booked an appointment for me (that’s tomorrow) to help him with finances and organizing his office. Turns out he took the OT courses since we last spoke! I noticed my first thought was to offer to OM with him. That’s still a primary language, well past it being a primary practice for me. Interesting how that habit got in there. I think I’m used to the old days when there weren’t that many women who knew how to coach strokers. It’s changed since then, I think, and it seems like the evangelical work done by OT has increased the number of OMers, which is awesome. AND I don’t have to do it out of any internal responsibility. For whatever reason, OMing is not something I’ve turned to in the last year. Not sure why. It still makes sense to me. I love it and recommend it. I think conscious touch in all forms in powerful healing work. But the last time I practiced OMing I got 2 hours of sleep that night and it just didn’t feel quite right. I guess that’s just another example of my not having control over things I wish I did. (Item # 4 million on the list!) So, I didn’t at all mention it to him, and I don’t have to mention it tomorrow. I can just be a supportive professional friendly gal with some common interests.
I got another clue to the puzzle of why I’m so weird in person with Cadillac. It’s from a David Richo book, who I’ve been wanting to read for years, and am thrilled to have gotten around to him. Great stuff. “Some people reflect back to us our own Shadow side. We configure others to be “greater than” us, positively by awe, and negatively by dread. Actually, we are fearing the admirable or despicable qualities unintegrated in ourselves.”
Oh.
Told ya it was good.
Add to to-do list: integrate qualities! Stat!
: )
Top Ten Happiness Provokers in Beth Today
1) I got a Carmen song stuck in my mind and went I went to listen it out, I found this adorable classic.
2) Could feel a roommate’s anger. Asked her about it, stayed open, had a great sweet conversation. In the midst of a work deadline, communicating with a worker about the tub being full of dirt (they fixed it), as well as heading to a lunch meeting.
3) Thoroughly enjoyed said lunch with new neighborhood friend. She helps men “get the girl”, so I think I may have a possible solution to transitioning away from the dating client that’s not the best match for what I’m offering anymore. And she moved here from Texas and is really into spiritual things as well as entrepreneurship. Aye carumba!
4) Breathing in the sunshine after a fresh rain had passed by. Enjoyed a simple present walk.
5) Moving forward with the project to market the children’s book illustrator. Him sharing how I inspired him. Yay.
6) Another roommate, the master tenant, shared with me over breakfast that she may want to move out. I did not freak out (although I did selfishly think, “but I just bought a bed!!”). I will cross that bridge when I come to it. People say stuff all the time. It’s the action decisions that I need to take actions on. I absolutely do not need to knock myself out trying to find a place on CL just yet.
7) Yesterday I ran in to a friend on the bus, and we’ve been trying to work out a schedule for massage trades for ages. I called him with a time I could give him a massage today and he didn’t call me back. A friend and client texted me last minute to see if I would give him a massage today. I am totally in the mood for it, it will balance out the computer work I’ve been doing and smooth out my energy. Thank you thank you! Sometimes the blank of the desire gets filled in unexpected ways if I allow it to.
8) At a time this morning when I normally would have emotionally tanked when perceiving Cadillac didn’t like something, not only did my ship not sink, I stayed floating on the waves inside of me. Okay, so I caught a little bit of air on a couple of them, but no capsizing is definite progress.
9) I had a FANTASTIC conversation with a good friend today about a wild monk and the etiquette of conscious 3somes. Fascinating!
10) Still glowing from discovering that the 2 pastors for whom I’m babysitting on a regular basis are in a Presbyterian group of churches who are moving forward with ordaining gay and lesbian pastors. YAY!
If you know EFT, this will make sense to you. Today I tapped “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do”.
The statement may or may not be true but you tap it, as I understand it, when the statement has some emotional charge and is somehow distracting you or pulling you off-center.
I’ve been reading more about being a Projector, and PS, thank you so much for the comments and emails that are having me dig deeper into this, as well. I sent a question today to the Human Design expert I saw. Asked him how am I supposed to “wait for an invitation” (which is the consistent advice to Projectors) when it comes to job search and career?
Oh, if anyone wants to ask him about getting a Human Design session, which I did find helpful, you can reach him at info@julienadler.com. Tell him Beth sent ya.
Okay, honestly, I just tapped “I feel embarrassed”. Sharing these things with you, and with some of you in particular, has me feel like a barn with no walls. But of course when we connect, it makes it worth having been the one to ‘show you mine first’.
After I tapped that I wondered why I never felt embarrassed while I was at OneTaste. Not like this, at least. I think it was being able to be absorbed in the pack, and having someone else so willing to take the lead in going way out on a limb.
As I am now, kind of trying different things and feeling tons of fear but still mostly landing on my feet, there isn’t that same shelter or comfort of the pack. I’m in a self-selected pack now, and it just is different.
So to get a little more grounded, here are the current RPA’s.
- 3 families asking me to babysit on occasion, interviewing with a third family tomorrow night. (The Mom from last night texted me that the little boy told her, in his words, he “had a blast” with me. What a sweet bonus!)
- At least for 5 Fridays in the next 2 months, a day down south for home assisting and childcare
- Second interview with an attorney on Wednesday to do part-time organizing and personal assisting
- 1 happy client where I serve as his dating coordinator and muse
- 1 happy personal bookkeeping client
- 2 monthly financial counseling clients
Oh how funny. As I was typing this, I got a call from a former roommate at OneTaste, a woman who wants a massage. Recently when I stopped doing massage, I said, “welllll…if it’s a friend I will consider it.” : ) We’re scheduled for next Monday. Good intention, team! Oh, and I guess there’s a good example of getting an invitation!
I sent Client A a message this morning that maybe we should just settle up and consider this phase of our working together through.
He sent me back this video with his response, just because he’s cool like that.
His idea is to meet and talk. My counter idea is to meet, talk, AND make Free Hugs signs and display them at the Ferry Building. And hug people. Freely. When they want it.
He’s in!
That’s fun.
Other fun thing. Remember the just-engaged photo I took after tennis the other day? Tennis Partner and I played again today, were taking a cool-down walk around the park, and were stopped by a woman who was having a heck of a time parallel parking. So we helped guide her into the slot. I was less cynical and resigned this time, to practice. The sunshine and endorphins definitely help!
I hope you have brilliant weekends.
I hope someone rubs your feet.
I hope you are playful and witty and delighted to be alive.
I’ve got a date with Beth tonight.
I thought she wanted to go dancing in Oakland, but she changed her mind because of it being so far away. Then I thought we were going to Lindy in the Square, but she just really wanted to take it easy and be quiet and be at home tonight, so I’m a yes to that. A woman needs what a woman needs.
She’s got a big busy day tomorrow – first to meet FriendHusband in San Rafael to discuss a possible sales role in his company, second delivering an About-Face presentation at Lowell High to 20 kids (18 female 2 male). That’s a lot of ground to cover all on public transit!
I know we’re going to work on her altar space tonight. It’s gathered some cobwebs. I know she also wants to practice some EFT and do some step writing. She also got the wise reminders lately to spend time touching her feminine parts, to connect to that and accept it and just be there. I know sometimes she runs away from wanting to feel soft, so I hope I can help her relax.
She has a level of discontent that I don’t necessarily understand. I know she’s loved, that it’s all going to be fine, that something will work out career-wise. She just gets so down and fearful and it’s hard to reach her when she goes there.
Her nutritionist told her today that lack of healthy fats in her diet may have contributed to depression and/or anxiety. Beth had the disturbing realization that perhaps her restricting food was to try and compensate for a family that eats a whole lot of food and gets diseases from it. I think it threw her that what she thought she was doing right and well (limiting food intake) was actually seriously harming her.
So I’ll take it nice and slow with her tonight. I can feel her fear without buying into it as the Truth. I’ll hydrate her and hold her.
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Not sure exactly where this fact came from but Dan Miller of the 48 Days podcast said that in June of this year more people voluntarily quit their jobs than were fired or laid off.
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My prayer this morning went something like this:
God, I’m stumped. I can’t hear you. I thought I had gotten the message to Love and that doesn’t seem to be going so well. What am I missing? Could you please make it more obvious to me because I sure feel confused. Thank you.
This morning some truth tumbled out with Client A. I’ve been grappling with what I “should” do in that situation, professionally. I feel very called to serve the family, yet I could also feel him pushing me away. (Was nothing personal, he just went down and when we’re down The Light isn’t usually welcome in there.) By talking a little he and his very supportive wife agreed to give me one month’s notice if they choose to end our non-contract contract. Oh wow. That’s generous. Okay, thank you. Much more clear. No need to bolt immediately.
After talking with both of them about Life After Landmark, and getting some great support to keep going, I headed to meet with an old friend. Someone who had almost moved in to OneTaste but never did so we never went all that deep (relatively speaking). She saw me on LinkedIn and then also some of our mutual acquaintances told her I was doing financial counseling and that we should talk since she’s getting into it, too, so she reached out to me. Yay! There have been 2 guys from 12 step lately who need my services yet didn’t want to cross that line and work with someone they already know. They asked if I knew of anyone who did what I do but I didn’t. And now I do. So, deep breath, letting go, and I’ve put them in contact with each other. If she succeeds, I succeed. (*thereisenoughthereisenoughthereisenoughthereisenough*) It was phenomenal to connect with her. We have a lot in common in our life stories right now. Another one of my prayers has been to make friends with peer women. Booyah.
While she and I were sitting at the outdoor cafe in Hayes Valley, one of the beautiful spirits I met at OneTaste walked by. It was like no time had passed. That felt like a blessing. She just instantly smiled and said, “Good?” and it was so warm and I felt enfolded. Why Hayes Valley, and right at that time, and after so many years? Neat. Okay, got it. Thank you.
Then, you may recall that I’ve been on a mission to get touched more. While RediscoveredFriend and I said good-bye, another person I knew from OneTaste who used to give me massage walked by. At that moment. And he said right away, “I miss touching you! Will you make time in your schedule for me? Please? You are so fun to touch! I can feel you are doing your work! Wow, you feel great!” OMG, music to my ears. Very sweet. Okay, got that too.
I posted for tennis partners on Craig’s List. I have plans to play with 2 already and am trying to find time with another 2. So I get the reminder of what it’s like to have ease around something.
There’s a saying I like:
“I have what I want and I want what I have.”
Like that.
