They’ll Let Anyone In

Very nice day here in Georgia. It’s warm and sunny, the leaves are changing color, my brother is happy in his beautiful house, and Mom and Dad and I had a fun time just shopping and visiting family friends on Dad’s birthday. Yay.

Last night over the phone Cadillac and I went “unexclusive”.  A smooth transition, I’d say, at least verbally. I spent the night and day lightly ruminating on the root of what is it that seems to make romantic relationships unsustainable, in my experience. At first I was tempted to blame it on monogamy. But that’s not actually it. Because I’ve had the crazy attachment possession feelings for people with whom I was not even dating, and that attachment seemed to make even a casual friendship unsustainable.

I talked with LafinGuy in transit yesterday about basically whether it’s nature or nurture that has some people get wicked jealous. I was empathizing for a woman and remembering my experiences of weathering the jealousy storms when the people in whom I was romantically interested were playing with other women. I can easily say those are the most intense emotions I’ve felt in my life. Stronger than the adrenaline of literal near-death experiences. Ha! I’m remembering one now. The guy I was enamored with for years on end was teaching a course with me one weekend. I always got tremendously nervous before a course. I walked around about 15 minutes before it started to find him to connect and get grounded. I walked into a room to hear sounds of him making out with another woman that I knew he was also interested in. That was a fiery ride of a course, let me tell ya. Thank goodness I was in a place where real experiences were welcomed and discussed because there is no way I could have hidden a trace of that blinding primal wounding pain.

I know, doesn’t it seem just that easy to just say ‘get over it’? Wouldn’t it be better if I could just remember we’re all friends and there is enough for everyone and I’m still loved? I’m telling you, to change those jealousy feelings in a way that I would not have them at all would be like thinking about changing my hair color (without any product, that is). It just doesn’t work that way. Reasoning with it is not an effective tool for the job.

LafinGuy argues that the jealousy reaction is conditioned. That because there are open societies who figure it out how to not have possessive jealousy prevent anyone from exploring multiple partners, that it must be a learned reaction. I do not agree. I mean, it makes sense when thought of purely from the mind, but I just don’t buy it that my cells can act like erupting volcanoes  just due to a viral idea that I was taught or somehow absorbed from the culture.

I can tell that something has mellowed inside of me over time, though, as I feel through this transition. I used to seethe with anger (which was just sitting on top of feelings of hurt and rejection) when a partner-type would express interest in another woman (whether she existed yet or not). We definitely had to go through a phase of me working through letting go of him seeming like the Bad Guy. I don’t see Cadillac that way as I’m writing to you now. While I think I would see white hot stars if I had to see him with a love interest, or even casual playdate, in the next 2 months (or maybe 2 years, I dunno), I do want him to be fulfilled and happy because the guy is the menschiest of the mensches. Love him to bits. Wish I could have matched and met every desire, but that’s not what happened. Que sera sera.

I feel somewhat sad and stymied that I don’t know what will be possible for me emotionally going forward in romantic relationships. No, I don’t want anyone to be starved of sexual activity within a relationship. I also don’t want to ever force myself to feel sexual when I’m just not there. I also am not interested in re-traumatizing myself just to try and hang in there with someone. And, to make the hanging in there harder, so far it seems the closer I get to someone, the harder it seems to connect easily sexually. So just how is that harmony ever possible between just 2 people, each bringing coordinates of entirely different universes together?

I’m sitting in a whole lot of I Don’t Know right now, but you peeps are probably used to that by now.   : )

I’m glad to be alive.

I’m glad to have fabulous friends who get touch and play and intelligence and forgiveness and patience.

I’m glad to have had a few more requests for work come in, with people that I already love and will enjoy supporting.

I’m glad to be on great terms with my family.

I’m glad there was a monk in saffron robes on the plane coming over and I bowed to him and he bowed to me and the whole flight felt blessed and easy to me.

I’m glad for the charmingly rural things I saw today that made me smile….the temporary tattoos for sale in the bathroom next to the tampons, and the “Body Piercing Saved My Life” sticker in the back of a monster truck with a picture of Jesus’ hand on the cross right next to Harley-Davidson stickers. Rock on.

Travelin’ Music

I have 5 minutes left before leaving for Georgia.

This is my travelin’, on the way out music.

I got there through a long strange musical trip that included the Mamas and the Papas and Kelly Willis.

 

Yesterday I got on a roll talking with a friend about how it’s not possible that anything between anyones’ legs could ever be “dirty” or “wrong”; that my practice is spirituality with the body as my temple; that as a teacher of this work my friend would have the moral imperative to do everything possible to live the teachings, and enjoy them. Okay okay okay alright already. Yes, it’s easier said than done, and yes I know I don’t understand this connection and sensuality stuff for no reason. I’ve participated in many discussions about hearing The Call. I just don’t know what I’ll agree to do with it. And I also don’t want it to go away forever. I guess there’s just parts of me left (ego? stubbornness?) that still wants to call the shots with how it will look or feel.

Ugh, if this isn’t making sense to you, just say “welcome to Beth’s brain” and be confused along with me.

Affirmations, for grounding:

I’m taking Higher Power with me wherever I go.

I don’t have to make any DECISIONS today about changing life trajectory.

There’s plenty in front of me to do and experience, and I don’t have to generate problems to fill in the blanks.

I don’t have to twist myself to be everyones’ perfect cup of tea, because that’s not even possible.

I do have the job for as long as this heart beats to take care of myself to the best of my ability.

I will receive love from others the way they want to give it.

LOL! The landline just rang. See, The Call is coming in! hee

 

Oh, and this one just in. It’s not an option to do anything PERFECTLY before I can teach it to and with others. I argue with The Call that I’m not the right person for the job because I still have so much trouble being myself in relationships, and playing well with others. Heck, I even still run with scissors sometimes. (That’s just a joke, Mom!) Grrrr. Okay, as they say, let go and let God.

I pray that you have a stellar day.

I pray that you feel healthy and fulfilled.

I pray that you put good helpful things into your mind and body.

I pray that you connect with at least 1 new person today, with the mindset that everyone does want connection in some form.

I pray that you feel peaceful way deep down today.