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Very nice day here in Georgia. It’s warm and sunny, the leaves are changing color, my brother is happy in his beautiful house, and Mom and Dad and I had a fun time just shopping and visiting family friends on Dad’s birthday. Yay.
Last night over the phone Cadillac and I went “unexclusive”. A smooth transition, I’d say, at least verbally. I spent the night and day lightly ruminating on the root of what is it that seems to make romantic relationships unsustainable, in my experience. At first I was tempted to blame it on monogamy. But that’s not actually it. Because I’ve had the crazy attachment possession feelings for people with whom I was not even dating, and that attachment seemed to make even a casual friendship unsustainable.
I talked with LafinGuy in transit yesterday about basically whether it’s nature or nurture that has some people get wicked jealous. I was empathizing for a woman and remembering my experiences of weathering the jealousy storms when the people in whom I was romantically interested were playing with other women. I can easily say those are the most intense emotions I’ve felt in my life. Stronger than the adrenaline of literal near-death experiences. Ha! I’m remembering one now. The guy I was enamored with for years on end was teaching a course with me one weekend. I always got tremendously nervous before a course. I walked around about 15 minutes before it started to find him to connect and get grounded. I walked into a room to hear sounds of him making out with another woman that I knew he was also interested in. That was a fiery ride of a course, let me tell ya. Thank goodness I was in a place where real experiences were welcomed and discussed because there is no way I could have hidden a trace of that blinding primal wounding pain.
I know, doesn’t it seem just that easy to just say ‘get over it’? Wouldn’t it be better if I could just remember we’re all friends and there is enough for everyone and I’m still loved? I’m telling you, to change those jealousy feelings in a way that I would not have them at all would be like thinking about changing my hair color (without any product, that is). It just doesn’t work that way. Reasoning with it is not an effective tool for the job.
LafinGuy argues that the jealousy reaction is conditioned. That because there are open societies who figure it out how to not have possessive jealousy prevent anyone from exploring multiple partners, that it must be a learned reaction. I do not agree. I mean, it makes sense when thought of purely from the mind, but I just don’t buy it that my cells can act like erupting volcanoes just due to a viral idea that I was taught or somehow absorbed from the culture.
I can tell that something has mellowed inside of me over time, though, as I feel through this transition. I used to seethe with anger (which was just sitting on top of feelings of hurt and rejection) when a partner-type would express interest in another woman (whether she existed yet or not). We definitely had to go through a phase of me working through letting go of him seeming like the Bad Guy. I don’t see Cadillac that way as I’m writing to you now. While I think I would see white hot stars if I had to see him with a love interest, or even casual playdate, in the next 2 months (or maybe 2 years, I dunno), I do want him to be fulfilled and happy because the guy is the menschiest of the mensches. Love him to bits. Wish I could have matched and met every desire, but that’s not what happened. Que sera sera.
I feel somewhat sad and stymied that I don’t know what will be possible for me emotionally going forward in romantic relationships. No, I don’t want anyone to be starved of sexual activity within a relationship. I also don’t want to ever force myself to feel sexual when I’m just not there. I also am not interested in re-traumatizing myself just to try and hang in there with someone. And, to make the hanging in there harder, so far it seems the closer I get to someone, the harder it seems to connect easily sexually. So just how is that harmony ever possible between just 2 people, each bringing coordinates of entirely different universes together?
I’m sitting in a whole lot of I Don’t Know right now, but you peeps are probably used to that by now. : )
I’m glad to be alive.
I’m glad to have fabulous friends who get touch and play and intelligence and forgiveness and patience.
I’m glad to have had a few more requests for work come in, with people that I already love and will enjoy supporting.
I’m glad to be on great terms with my family.
I’m glad there was a monk in saffron robes on the plane coming over and I bowed to him and he bowed to me and the whole flight felt blessed and easy to me.
I’m glad for the charmingly rural things I saw today that made me smile….the temporary tattoos for sale in the bathroom next to the tampons, and the “Body Piercing Saved My Life” sticker in the back of a monster truck with a picture of Jesus’ hand on the cross right next to Harley-Davidson stickers. Rock on.
Play with this if you like.
A viral movement.
Label yourself with a Treat Me Like A Dog sticker, button, Facebook post, etc.
Why?
2 of my most loving encounters this weekend were with dawgs. I pet them and loved them and laughed with them. It was delightful. Their owners looked like they were feeling left out.
So I say, Treat Me Like A Dog. Your assertion of that will let people know they can be extra friendly and rubby to you. The movement of friendliness and connection could use some momentum and sense of humor to spread like the wildfire it deserves.
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I think part of my life purpose is to work with couples. I started the financial counseling/training/assisting with a new couple today. They’ve been together for 10 years. They are wildly lovely. And like anyone who has been together that long, there are some sore points and things that have gone unexpressed. I enjoyed translating their desires and preferences and joining them with the concrete numbers. We spent about 2 hours and got through a TON of history and they left the session with a September spending plan. It is so good to just start *somewhere*. Just start.
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I asked the guy part of the client couple for a “manslation” (a term coined by FriendWife). Cadillac and I went bathing suit shopping yesterday for me. In the evening, we hot tubbed (yay hot water and new friends). He snapped an iPhone photo of me in the new suit before we hit the tub and emailed it to me on his way out this morning with no words. My eating disordered brain told me he sent it to me to get me the message that I’d better lose some weight or else. ED brain added I’ll make him look bad on the beach in Hawaii, just for some extra credit pain. (Yes, ED got that interpretation from no words of Cadillac’s.) So I asked new client for the manslation of receiving the photo. He said guys aren’t like that. He said if that’s really what Cadillac thought, then he probably would have made a blunter comment than sending a picture with no remarks. He said Cadillac probably liked how I looked and enjoyed sending it to me. Oh. I hadn’t considered that possibility. Part of how I worked with that pinch in my mind this morning was summoning a strong large Polynesian woman to hold me in my mind. To welcome me to the island, and to let myself enjoy it regardless of how I think I look. Hitting a meeting this morning was crazy helpful. I see this disease killing women of all ages….taking our voice and our confidence and any sense of value about ourselves that we “should” have. Grrr.
Okay, as I was searching for images of a polynesian woman, Google images included more photos of Marlon Brando than I can comprehend. Life is a mystery, my friends.
This woman does not expect me to have toothpick arms.
Here is what went right on the Style mission last night. IMHO.
1) We took a few minutes to connect in person before we went in.
2) I was feeling a little sick and a little weak and so my resistance was lower than usual.
3) He wore some of his colors that I associate with him and as soon as I saw them in my peripheral vision I felt comforted.
4) I had given a couple of close friends the heads up about the adventure, knew they were rooting for us, and I could also call them afterwards and cry if I needed to. (Which I didn’t at all, but still nice just in case!)
5) I surrendered to him as driver and me as passenger.
6) I read this passage in a book the day before and realized what I had been doing with him, and that I was 100% prepared to quit doing that.
“There’s a danger with challenges. Some of us might get so used to needing something to push up against and an occasion to rise to that we begin creating drama-addict challenges, the kind that sabotage our relationships, work, and lives.” (Melody Beattie, 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact)
7) I wanted to jump him the whole time. Turn-on can be a fabulous painkiller!
8) I realized just over the weekend that Hi-5 reminds me of my very first crush, Han Solo. Once I got in touch with that, many things fell into place inside of me. As I was searching for some visual evidence for you, I happened upon this fabulous video. Han’s head will appear in the sky for a moment, but you should also watch the whole thing because it is genius.
9) I heard back from the professional style consultant after we talked for a while and he sent me his basic proposal. $ 2 , 0 0 0 After that sticker shock, girlfriend was just glad someone was willing to take her on the ride and not charge that much!!
10) He held my clothes. The ones I wanted to try on. The ones I had decided on. My backpack when I was in the fitting room. How tender and considerate is that?! Awww.
11) The look in his eyes when I walked out in the pink shirt and gray skirt. Yeh.
12) He hugged me extra long when we said hello. I love that.
Okay, there’s more good but duty calls.
To celebrate a very fun night, I’m going to boldly post a photograph of me in some of the goods. Enjoy!
And, thanks, honeyo. : )
What can I say, I’m on a roll with animals and love. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXo3NFqkaRM
If anyone knows anything about the Noe Valley Merchants’ Association, hit me up. I’d like to get to know my ‘hood and share my professional goodness with them.
I’m experimenting with a new answer to ‘what do you do?’. Still a work in progress, but you heard it here first.
“I help spiritually-motivated people get more clean in some area of their lives. I blend the personal with the practical, and people often feel relief, pride, satisfaction, and joy as a result of our work together.”
Apart from that, can I just say that I feel honored that someone found my humble blog by searching for “tennis player porn”. Cheerio!
