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I bathed. (I smell like ylang ylang now.)
I read. (Still Committed.)
I ate a yum dinner.
I pet (petted?) a sweet black dawg.
I have my nature/relaxation/spiritual connection plan all lined up for tomorrow.
I allowed myself some frivolous time to watch Natalie Portman on YouTube after watching Black Swan last night. (OMG, I didn’t watch the other nominees’ films, but she TOTALLY earned that Oscar!)
I did writing and got even clearer that my current craving for partnership is muchly based in illusion and false hopes that it will decrease my discomfort in general.
I came to grips that my experimentally short haircut is possibly not something to blame my current lack of a partner on; if I had a hair-dependent partner, then what would happen if I got cancer, or got attacked by a crazy hairdresser in a case of mistaken identity? (People do often think they have met me before.)
Mused on this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZzEk09W0lk , which I was reminded of by Gilbert on page 98:
(from Aristohanes): “Once upon a time …we humans had two heads and four legs and four arms-a perfect melding, in other words, of two people joined together seamlessly in one being….Since we each had the perfect partner sewn into the very fabric of our being, we were all happy… We lacked for nothing; we had no unmet needs; we wanted nobody…We were whole.
But in our wholeness, we became overly proud….The mighty Zeus punished us for our neglect by cutting all the double-headed, eight-limbed, perfectly contented humans in half. thereby creating a world of cruelly severed one-headed two-armed, two-legged miserable creatures. In this moment of mass amputation, Zeus inflicted on mankind that most painful of human conditions: the dull and constant sense that we are not quite whole.”
THANK YOU
THAT IS HOW I FEEL
I’ve tried to affirm it away. “I am whole and complete without a partner.”
But that doesn’t feel true, honestly it just doesn’t! (Now I can see that it more likely than not would still feel untrue, even if I had a partner. But you get my drift.)
Gilbert continues: “For the rest of time, humans would be born sensing that there was some missing part-a lost half, which we love almost more than we love ourselves-and that this missing part was out there sompleace, spinning through the universe in the form of another person.”
YES. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I’VE THOUGHT AND FELT!
Today I started making the painful list of what I think would increase and decrease if I found that great partner I seem to be craving. I get the sense that making the whole list and taking it in will be similar to listening to a fourth grader try to describe a very complicated math theorem. (There, there, dear. 1 part admiration for such audacity, next to 5 parts pity for their thinking they know what they really do not know.) (But you can’t just say that outright because it might hurt their little feelings.)
So I’m clear tonight – yes, I’m somewhat craving. Yet it’s not an unconscious craving, and I don’t have any desire to hurt myself. I am indeed physically feeling desire. But I also do want connection with it – talking, holding; at least upper-middle quality, even if the highest isn’t available on short notice!
(This is opposed to recently when for about 30 seconds I thought I was craving sex with HL; being very present with that and having some good program in me lately, then I realized I was just craving the inevitable “after”….the letdown when the balloon deflates and it feels sooooo familiar. It’s like the sick comfort of going back to the hospital where you had that surgery a few years ago. Yes, you were in pain, but the people kind of took care of you, and meals were regularly timed.)
One of my roommates asked me recently, “Don’t you fall in love when people stroke you?” after I explained more about OMing since I have been doing that more often lately.
I said no. I still feel defensive of the practice and want, in my own codependent way, no one to have a single hesitation or negative thought about it.
But, actually, I think I do fall in love when I’m stroked-in a version of love. And I attribute this craving tonight to that. And if I were of the total abstinence mindset, I would assume it’s best to just not go there. Stop OMing and you won’t have that feeling of falling in love with people.
On nights like this, though, I do not want to do that to my plan, to just abstain. To shove my desire in the category of, “wait until you have at least a moderately acceptable sexual partner, then throw all of it at them like it’s going out of style and hope they survive!”.
A record of how I have gone for it tonight so far. With the intent to connect, and to feel, and to express this flow coming from deep inside of me:
5:35pm, texted HL to see if he would stroke me tonight
After some back and forth, he called it a night and I didn’t see him at all.
7:38am, called an ex who I recently reconnected with. The last time we met and OMed was SO clean and nurturing that I felt very free to call him. (A nice feeling to get to for 2 people who sometimes got to the edge of homicide with each other.) He’s also in for the night. We set up a stroking date for another night, which is pleasing!
7:43pm after hanging up with him, I called a sweet friend who still lives at OneTaste. He’s on the clock and not available tonight. OK. Bummer. It’s tough to keep going for it, but the sensations that are flowing through me make it tougher to not.
7:49pm called someone with whom I haven’t yet OMed but we’ve been trying to set something up. Left message.
7:51pm called former OneTaste roommate who is an excellent no-strings-attached cuddler and appreciator. Left message.
7:53pm called recent traveling partner. Left message.
So it’s seeming like tonight I’m meant to be warm and cozy in my nest listening to the cold rain outside. I’m glad that’s ok. I’m glad I have plenty to focus on. I’m glad I have solo practices and willingness to be intimate with myself. I’m glad I’m out of my feminist phase, of the flavor that I CAN DO IT ON MY OWN, and I’d beat my desire up like she had really messed up this time (again; as if it was a surprise to feel her again). I’m glad I don’t have to go trolling around trying to scratch an itch and feel tired, cold AND deflated. I’m glad for the saying, “this, too, shall pass”. I’m glad that I’ve traveled from a) people who want death are selfish, stupid creatures, to b) it would be a relief to die right now, to c) on my gosh, I feel so much better, I want to live as long as possible!!, to, d) It is what it is, and as far as I can tell it is all good.
Love the tape deck! Love the black halter and black nails!
I’ve had to cut myself off from listening to anymore Susan Tedeschi today. Love her too but you see I’ve made this playlist of 5 of her songs that talk about being left, lost lover blues, having fallen in love with a sturdy man that she thought would always be there, oh, and the best one for crying is about she can’t reach him because he’s wrapped in the arms of another. OW OW OW OW OW
I know it’s not entirely about me. He’s going through about one of the worst things he could be going through. If I could take that away I would. If I could re-do some of the corporate values that I imagine got him in the awful situation, I would.
A friend told me yesterday, “Beth, you got kicked in the gut. It’s okay to just feel that now. You don’t have to be totally spiritual and accepting. Have your feelings about it.”
There is a program exercise to identify:
“Why is this the best thing that has ever happened to me?”
F***** hell. Oy. Okay might as well. I wasn’t expecting this post to go there.
1) The pain had me reach out to TONS of people and reconnect and be reminded that I’m loved and appreciated.
2) I had a divinely healing experience back on the edge last night, which I will write about separately behind the Silver Curtain. (Oh, and the password issue should be fixed now. Shoot me an email if it still doesn’t work for you. beth@unconditionalserenity.com)
3) The title of this post. Oh my lord, am I feeling those back taxes of relationships that I left immediately and without feeling it at the time. I have SO much gratitude for the ones who made it through and we are still friends. I want to be that brave. E just sent me a Happy Birthday text, for example, and the way I cut him off back then was, now I know, practically unforgiveable. And he forgave me and we’re not the closest of friends but there’s love there that we get to express.
4) Last night FriendHusband was my birthday chauffeur extraordinnaire. At one point in time, the plan was to see Cadillac last night after seeing FriendHusband for an hour or 2 where I probably would have been anxiously awaiting the time I could go get face and body time with Cadillac. Instead, FriendHusband and I had some really sweet rich adventures. One of them, a small but significant one. I returned a due book to the library. I hadn’t finished it but couldn’t renew it. I took a few moments to thumb through it in the car. Oh wow, wouldn’t you know the part I hadn’t read happened to be about grieving the end of relationships. Not the linear total end, that was the interesting thing. It talked about how each phase in the relationship when you get more reality that it’s not perfect, it may not work, it’s not the be all end all, that health is grieving those at the time. Well that’s interesting and I never thought about that. It helped me understand some of the back taxes phenomenon I was talking about paying. Not only were there relationships I jumped ship from without giving them the proper respect, there have also been these losses along the way that I didn’t feel because either we were still ostensibly together, or I didn’t think I “should” feel them or something like that. It also said it’s impossible to grieve the loss of 1 while you’re moving on to another person. Yep, learned that through experience, too. Hope to be more disciplined about that this time around.
5) I’ve been willing to ask for more, for whatever reason. I guess with a cracked open heart and a psychic and emotional place that was vacated by a best friend and lover, there is more willingness on my part to maybe hear No when I ask. And to hear Yes. Example. My roommate asked me this morning if I had any special birthday requests. It culminated in her brushing my hair (one of my favorite treats), French braiding it, and leaving her fabulous essential oils collection in my room to enjoy today. Fun!
There’s more but it’s time to go for now. Thanks again everyone for reading. My critical voice tells me “You just write about yourself. You’re so self-absorbed.” But I know some of the themes are universal. OH! And part of the last night experience that I don’t want to forget is that I consider part of my life’s purpose to be giving people permission to be exactly who they are. That has always been important for me, I just didn’t have words for it until adulthood.
So I pray for today to include myself in that.
I pray that Cadillac travels safely and has a wonderful time.
I pray to engage in my re-exploration (Now behind the Bodily Spiritual Practice header; formerly called Medi) in healthy and conscious ways.
I pray that you know how special you are, and that you express your gifts.
I pray that people get free to be sane and connected and nourished.
I pray that you’ll tell at least one little truth today that you may not otherwise have dared. (Example for me. Morning with Charlie’s Angels included a conversation about my edge play that I had assumed they couldn’t handle. But they did and it was beautiful.)
I pray that you listen to your body well today. Do you need to hydrate? Do you need a hug? Do you need to rest your eyes for a few minutes?
I pray that you welcome every little part of you that wants to speak up.
I’ll leave you with this inspiration from a meditation book.
“One must not lose desires. They are mighty stimulants to creativeness, to love, and to long life.” ~Alexander Bogomoletz
Texas cheerleader suing – didn’t root for attacker
Bob Egelko, Chronicle Staff Writer
San Francisco Chronicle November 5, 2010
If you’re a high school cheerleader, you cheer for the whole team. The stars and the scrubs. The nice guys and the jerks.
But what about a player you’ve accused of raping you?
You’ve got to cheer for him too, according to a federal appeals court, because you’re really speaking for the school and not yourself.
The court dismissed a free-speech suit by a Texas teenager who was kicked off the cheerleading squad for sitting silently, with her arms folded, while her assailant shot free throws in a playoff game.
The former cheerleader and her family are appealing the ruling by the Fifth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in New Orleans, which includes an order to pay the school district’s legal fees on the grounds their suit was far-fetched and frivolous.
A case that has gripped a small town in southeast Texas also provides a window into the diminishing state of free speech on campus.
More than 40 years after the U.S. Supreme Court declared that neither students nor teachers “shed their constitutional rights to freedom of speech … at the schoolhouse gate,” the former cheerleader’s judicial rebuff reflects a shift in perspective that has the courts showing more deference to school authorities.
“What I want out of the whole thing is for somebody to admit they were wrong,” the 18-year-old woman, identifying herself by her initials H.S., said in an interview last week. After undergoing therapy and graduating from high school, she’s taking a semester off before college, where she plans to study forensic science, partly because of what happened to her.
The basketball player has pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor assault charge, received a suspended sentence, and is making plans for college and “going forward with his life,” his lawyer said. He has denied raping H.S.
Court’s backtracking
The Supreme Court issued what appeared to be a declaration of free-speech rights on campus in 1969, when it allowed high school students to wear black armbands to protest the Vietnam War and said schools could clamp down only if students disrupted the educational process.
The court started to retrench in 1986 with a ruling allowing a high school to censor a student’s sexually suggestive speech at an assembly. Two years later, the court upheld a high school principal’s authority to prohibit articles on pregnancy and divorce from appearing in a student newspaper.
The Constitution does not require a school “to promote particular student speech,” the court said in a ruling that became a precedent for the H.S. case.
In 2007, the justices allowed a school to suspend a student for carrying a banner that read “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” at a school-approved parade near campus, saying the message could be interpreted as promoting drugs.
These days, “student speech is not given the respect it deserves. …There’s a mind-set that school officials are in total control,” said David Hudson, a Vanderbilt University law professor and scholar with the First Amendment Center who has written about the H.S. case.
Incident at party
H.S., then 16, attended a party in her hometown of Silsbee, Texas, in October 2008. She said she was dragged into a room, thrown onto the floor by several youths and raped by Rakheem Bolton, a star on the school’s football and basketball teams.
Bolton and a teammate were arrested two days later, but were allowed to return to school after a county grand jury declined to indict them. They were later indicted on sexual assault charges, but in the interim came the February 2009 incident on the basketball court.
H.S. joined in leading cheers for the Silsbee High team. But when Bolton went to the foul line, and the cheers included his name, she stepped back, folded her arms and sat down.
“I didn’t want to have to say his name, and I didn’t want to cheer for him,” H.S. said. “I didn’t want to encourage anything he was doing.”
Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/11/05/MNDQ1G1R78.DTL&tsp=1#ixzz14imYxHww
Cadillac loaned me the Crucial Conversations audio companion CD’s. I liked the book a lot. I’ve been slowly downloading the discs and there was one disc that got really stuck. I’ve never seen this happen, but iTunes didn’t recognize it and various tips I followed for getting a dislodged CD out didn’t work for days. Finally today I found online a nifty program trick through Terminal. Once I finally got the disc out, I almost put it right back in the package thinking, I don’t wanna go there again! But once my sweet eyes rested on its titles, I knew it was probably a good idea to persevere with this one. Maybe it just really really needed to get my attention.
“How to Stay in Dialogue When You’re Angry, Scared or Hurt”
“Master My Stories”
“Path To Action”
“Separate Face From Story”
“Downward Spiral”
“The Rest of the Story”
Okay, if I stopped all other personal work and just focused on those topics, I’d STILL have a lifetime of work to do!!
So it’s burning into my consciousness….I mean, my iTunes, now.
(Postscript: When I took it out this time, it somehow flew out of my hands and onto the floor. Hot Potato Disc.)
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Note to self: Remember the Dwarf of Forgetfulness from today.
And if you forget again, that’s okay, you’re just being human.
I am officially procrastinating. At least I am doing so with journalistic observation. (Thus the Meh.)
I have a written presentation to finish for tonight at 6pm.
I need to buy groceries. The celery sits alone in the fridge.
I have a curtain rod to hang in front of my bedroom closet. (In my defense, I found the drill but still need the drill bits and am waiting on roomie to text me back.) (That’s amusing to me that when read aloud it sounds like I’m waiting on Rumi to text me back. That would be awesome. See below.)
I have a bed to air and assemble. (Yay! New bed. Cadillac commenced with aforementioned menschiness yesterday to squire me and the new bed in and out of Ikea.)
I have a Quickbooks class to find and register for. This is getting into quadruple procrastination with this item.
A Rumi poem, which I’m sure he would text me if he could:
I am blasphemy and religion, pure and impure;
Old, young, and a small child.
If I die, don’t say that he died.
Say he was dead, became alive, and was taken by the
Beloved.
After playing tennis tonight, she and I walked back to the car. Just off the courts, a dressed-up young couple asked if one of us would take a picture of them.
I reached for the camera and he said with equal confidence and nervousness: “Actually, you’re taking a picture of me and my new fiancee, as of now”. Dearheart looked like she was the deer in the path of the oncoming car. Then she started to feel it and started crying. She pulled back from him to hide her tears from the camera. She looked beautiful and delicate.
I asked her if she was surprised and gave me a “YESSSSSSS. NOW WHAT?” type of look.
My tennis partner is probably 5 years older than I am, I’d guess. The unspoken thoughts between us as we walked away from playing photographer were palpable. When we were out of earshot, we did joke about the couples’ youth and sense of frozen promise.
The Landmark seminar I attended last night pointed to the usual human dynamic of being resigned and cynical. So, on the one hand, I’d give this couple 6 months tops before things get really bad, maybe unmendably bad. Then I look at, well how do I know that, and what do I actually know about them? How could I not be resigned and cynical about this in particular?
So what’s the difference between really just making a freaking good educated guess and looking at typical patterns, versus the fresh approach of, “I don’t know! Maybe it will work for them! Anything could happen!”
Yes, and…..Really?
So this whole resigned and cynical thing kind of taints the whole world, it seems to me. The state of the markets. Health care. General kindness. And on and on. Without some group of people getting over being resigned and cynical, we would seem to be kind of screwed. To me, it seems we’re pretty much screwed already, but maybe I’m just being resigned and cynical.
I argued with my therapist a couple of weeks ago about freakin’ affirmations. I gotta be honest with you, I have enough mental challenges and I choose to not actively add LYING TO MYSELF to that list. Which is what affirmations can seem like. I like the concrete affirmations. I’m glad I have a safe warm dry place to sleep tonight. I’m glad I have friends who love me as I am. I’m glad I ate delicious healthy food today. Those work for me.
I love myself unconditionally. NO I DO NOT AND SAYING IT DOES NOT MAKE IT SO.
But then where’s the room for growth? How do I learn how to expand my sense of value and worth? How do I run with people playing big fun good games? How do you grow?
Cadillac and I leave for Maui tomorrow!
I’m excited AND I bit all my nails off this morning.
I got a crucial piece of info this morning that helped me drop into totally enjoying the whole process.
Called an older wiser woman to talk about something entirely different, and we spent an hour talking about relationships and desire.
She said, “You’re an insatiable woman, right?
Can you imagine what that must feel like for a man to be with such a creature?
I encourage you to let yourself receive, graciously, and see what it’s like to let it be enough sometimes.
Honey, let him catch his breath! Be an open space he can visit.”
Ohhhhhh okay. : )
I’m not saying I know exactly how to take my foot off of pedal-to-the-metal, but I know I’m willing to give that a shot.
Aloha!
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I loved this blog post from Seth Godin:
“Better than nothing (is harder than you think)
Most of the time, particulary in b2b and luxury sales, the competition is nothing.
“I will buy this treat or I will buy nothing, because I don’t really need anything.”
“I will buy your consulting services, or I’ll continue doing what I’m doing now on that front, which is nothing.”
None of the above.
“I will vote for you or I’ll do what I usually do, which is not vote.”
“I’ll hire you or I’ll hire no one.”
While you think your competition is that woman across town, it’s probably apathy, sitting still, ignoring the problem… nothing.
Stop worrying so much about comparing yourself to every other possible competitor you can imagine and start comparing yourself to nothing. Are you really worth the hassle, the risk, the time, the money? Or can’t the prospect just wait until tomorrow?”
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Check this guy out:
Cohones Of Steel.
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Have great weekends. Love and play real hard. **hug**
My prayer this morning went something like this:
God, I’m stumped. I can’t hear you. I thought I had gotten the message to Love and that doesn’t seem to be going so well. What am I missing? Could you please make it more obvious to me because I sure feel confused. Thank you.
This morning some truth tumbled out with Client A. I’ve been grappling with what I “should” do in that situation, professionally. I feel very called to serve the family, yet I could also feel him pushing me away. (Was nothing personal, he just went down and when we’re down The Light isn’t usually welcome in there.) By talking a little he and his very supportive wife agreed to give me one month’s notice if they choose to end our non-contract contract. Oh wow. That’s generous. Okay, thank you. Much more clear. No need to bolt immediately.
After talking with both of them about Life After Landmark, and getting some great support to keep going, I headed to meet with an old friend. Someone who had almost moved in to OneTaste but never did so we never went all that deep (relatively speaking). She saw me on LinkedIn and then also some of our mutual acquaintances told her I was doing financial counseling and that we should talk since she’s getting into it, too, so she reached out to me. Yay! There have been 2 guys from 12 step lately who need my services yet didn’t want to cross that line and work with someone they already know. They asked if I knew of anyone who did what I do but I didn’t. And now I do. So, deep breath, letting go, and I’ve put them in contact with each other. If she succeeds, I succeed. (*thereisenoughthereisenoughthereisenoughthereisenough*) It was phenomenal to connect with her. We have a lot in common in our life stories right now. Another one of my prayers has been to make friends with peer women. Booyah.
While she and I were sitting at the outdoor cafe in Hayes Valley, one of the beautiful spirits I met at OneTaste walked by. It was like no time had passed. That felt like a blessing. She just instantly smiled and said, “Good?” and it was so warm and I felt enfolded. Why Hayes Valley, and right at that time, and after so many years? Neat. Okay, got it. Thank you.
Then, you may recall that I’ve been on a mission to get touched more. While RediscoveredFriend and I said good-bye, another person I knew from OneTaste who used to give me massage walked by. At that moment. And he said right away, “I miss touching you! Will you make time in your schedule for me? Please? You are so fun to touch! I can feel you are doing your work! Wow, you feel great!” OMG, music to my ears. Very sweet. Okay, got that too.
I posted for tennis partners on Craig’s List. I have plans to play with 2 already and am trying to find time with another 2. So I get the reminder of what it’s like to have ease around something.
There’s a saying I like:
“I have what I want and I want what I have.”
Like that.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128721757
Hi!
I listened to that rock-the-bluebells concert tonight (link above, in case you don’t see it now) on the way home. The scene: 80-degree-ish weather in SF, looks like a full moon, bare feet, calm mind. Nice night, glad to share it with you.
I’m inclined to think I don’t have anything to tell you.
- Yet, I made total peace with my parents this weekend while I was in the Landmark Forum.
- I’m letting go of monkhood and will be getting a real bed again. (Have been sleeping on thick foam. Seemed like a wise idea at the time in case I needed to move suddenly. Then somehow I keep creating that I need to move suddenly!)
- Cadillac and I are going to Hawaii. I’ve been thinking that would be a nice ‘someday’ idea for a while. And we’re going. In September.
Enter head noise: ButIcan’tafforditbutwhatwillIeattherebutit’ssowarminSanFranciscowhygointhenicesttimeofyearbutwhatifhejustgolfsthewholetime
ButIneedtowaituntilbusinesspicksupbutwhataboutTempelsbirthdaypartybutwhatifIhaveabadtimeagainbutI’vebeentherealreadyyaddayaddayadda
Yeh. Book it. Carpe aloha-em.
- I’m going back to Virginia in October to visit for Dad’s birthday and avoid-travel-on-major-holidays purposes. I was so nervous to tell my mom that I’d be paying for my Hawaii trip, yet had asked her to pay for my trip to visit them. The first scenario I imagined was to just literally dodge the whole issue, not tell her I was even going to Hawaii, and I was already calculating the time difference in my mind so I could successfully fake still being n SF when I called her for our usual weekend chat.
The exhaustion of being tricky.
I sent her an email and told her flat out. I was kind and straight and offered her the opportunity to decline paying for the VA trip now that she had this new information. Her response:
“I love and respect your honesty so much!!! I’m so excited for you to have the trip to Hawaii and of course we will sponsor your trip here.”
OMG, reality really truly rocks.
I hope you told someone today the real straight truth.
I could get used to this.
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I’m gathering info and trying out this nifty little polling mechanism at the same time. Would you pretty please pick the best answer for you, or I think you should also be able to add items. I’m focusing on what I offer in terms of basic financial education and support, so the realm is truly for the money that is actually coming in and going out.
Thanks for taking the time to respond!
**Waving white flag.**
Yes, Cadillac, the quality is definitely as important if not more important than the quantity of touch I receive.
The touch research study has been fascinating. I’ve got to tell you, my bubble has burst with how I consider this topic now. I thought at least 75% of the people I interviewed would say getting touched is easy for them, it’s easy to ask for it, they enjoy it all the time. I thought I was the only one feeling stuck in this area. They didn’t, and I’m not.
And it’s not JUST about getting more touch, period.
I experimented with something today. Can I “touch” myself from the inside? Not my own hand on my arm, per se, but can I really soothe from the inside, consciously and lovingly, and not need an external physical source? This is Unconditional Serenity we’re exploring here, people, and there’s just not always going to be good touch available.
I’m curious what benefits you perceive from being touched. Or maybe you don’t. I don’t know. As I said, white flag waving.
