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I bathed. (I smell like ylang ylang now.)
I read. (Still Committed.)
I ate a yum dinner.
I pet (petted?) a sweet black dawg.
I have my nature/relaxation/spiritual connection plan all lined up for tomorrow.
I allowed myself some frivolous time to watch Natalie Portman on YouTube after watching Black Swan last night. (OMG, I didn’t watch the other nominees’ films, but she TOTALLY earned that Oscar!)
I did writing and got even clearer that my current craving for partnership is muchly based in illusion and false hopes that it will decrease my discomfort in general.
I came to grips that my experimentally short haircut is possibly not something to blame my current lack of a partner on; if I had a hair-dependent partner, then what would happen if I got cancer, or got attacked by a crazy hairdresser in a case of mistaken identity? (People do often think they have met me before.)
Mused on this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZzEk09W0lk , which I was reminded of by Gilbert on page 98:
(from Aristohanes): “Once upon a time …we humans had two heads and four legs and four arms-a perfect melding, in other words, of two people joined together seamlessly in one being….Since we each had the perfect partner sewn into the very fabric of our being, we were all happy… We lacked for nothing; we had no unmet needs; we wanted nobody…We were whole.
But in our wholeness, we became overly proud….The mighty Zeus punished us for our neglect by cutting all the double-headed, eight-limbed, perfectly contented humans in half. thereby creating a world of cruelly severed one-headed two-armed, two-legged miserable creatures. In this moment of mass amputation, Zeus inflicted on mankind that most painful of human conditions: the dull and constant sense that we are not quite whole.”
THANK YOU
THAT IS HOW I FEEL
I’ve tried to affirm it away. “I am whole and complete without a partner.”
But that doesn’t feel true, honestly it just doesn’t! (Now I can see that it more likely than not would still feel untrue, even if I had a partner. But you get my drift.)
Gilbert continues: “For the rest of time, humans would be born sensing that there was some missing part-a lost half, which we love almost more than we love ourselves-and that this missing part was out there sompleace, spinning through the universe in the form of another person.”
YES. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I’VE THOUGHT AND FELT!
Today I started making the painful list of what I think would increase and decrease if I found that great partner I seem to be craving. I get the sense that making the whole list and taking it in will be similar to listening to a fourth grader try to describe a very complicated math theorem. (There, there, dear. 1 part admiration for such audacity, next to 5 parts pity for their thinking they know what they really do not know.) (But you can’t just say that outright because it might hurt their little feelings.)
So I’m clear tonight – yes, I’m somewhat craving. Yet it’s not an unconscious craving, and I don’t have any desire to hurt myself. I am indeed physically feeling desire. But I also do want connection with it – talking, holding; at least upper-middle quality, even if the highest isn’t available on short notice!
(This is opposed to recently when for about 30 seconds I thought I was craving sex with HL; being very present with that and having some good program in me lately, then I realized I was just craving the inevitable “after”….the letdown when the balloon deflates and it feels sooooo familiar. It’s like the sick comfort of going back to the hospital where you had that surgery a few years ago. Yes, you were in pain, but the people kind of took care of you, and meals were regularly timed.)
One of my roommates asked me recently, “Don’t you fall in love when people stroke you?” after I explained more about OMing since I have been doing that more often lately.
I said no. I still feel defensive of the practice and want, in my own codependent way, no one to have a single hesitation or negative thought about it.
But, actually, I think I do fall in love when I’m stroked-in a version of love. And I attribute this craving tonight to that. And if I were of the total abstinence mindset, I would assume it’s best to just not go there. Stop OMing and you won’t have that feeling of falling in love with people.
On nights like this, though, I do not want to do that to my plan, to just abstain. To shove my desire in the category of, “wait until you have at least a moderately acceptable sexual partner, then throw all of it at them like it’s going out of style and hope they survive!”.
A record of how I have gone for it tonight so far. With the intent to connect, and to feel, and to express this flow coming from deep inside of me:
5:35pm, texted HL to see if he would stroke me tonight
After some back and forth, he called it a night and I didn’t see him at all.
7:38am, called an ex who I recently reconnected with. The last time we met and OMed was SO clean and nurturing that I felt very free to call him. (A nice feeling to get to for 2 people who sometimes got to the edge of homicide with each other.) He’s also in for the night. We set up a stroking date for another night, which is pleasing!
7:43pm after hanging up with him, I called a sweet friend who still lives at OneTaste. He’s on the clock and not available tonight. OK. Bummer. It’s tough to keep going for it, but the sensations that are flowing through me make it tougher to not.
7:49pm called someone with whom I haven’t yet OMed but we’ve been trying to set something up. Left message.
7:51pm called former OneTaste roommate who is an excellent no-strings-attached cuddler and appreciator. Left message.
7:53pm called recent traveling partner. Left message.
So it’s seeming like tonight I’m meant to be warm and cozy in my nest listening to the cold rain outside. I’m glad that’s ok. I’m glad I have plenty to focus on. I’m glad I have solo practices and willingness to be intimate with myself. I’m glad I’m out of my feminist phase, of the flavor that I CAN DO IT ON MY OWN, and I’d beat my desire up like she had really messed up this time (again; as if it was a surprise to feel her again). I’m glad I don’t have to go trolling around trying to scratch an itch and feel tired, cold AND deflated. I’m glad for the saying, “this, too, shall pass”. I’m glad that I’ve traveled from a) people who want death are selfish, stupid creatures, to b) it would be a relief to die right now, to c) on my gosh, I feel so much better, I want to live as long as possible!!, to, d) It is what it is, and as far as I can tell it is all good.
Hi.
Not sure how long or far this one will go, but I’m willing.
Let’s start with the end. Which is kind of a beginning, but you’ll hopefully see what I mean soon enough.
I sent this email just now to Veronica Monet.
“Veronica!
My Higher Power nudged me to offer you help tonight. The topic of how female prostitutes are treated has repeated today in ways that can only be explained spiritually. Got any ideas, off the top of your head?
And I hope all is going very well for you!
Much love
Beth”
I’d like to tell you I wasn’t expecting this, but that wouldn’t be entirely true. I know my OneTaste experience didn’t happen pointlessly, or in a vacuum. I know I haven’t gone through shedding the layers of conditioning and shame and silence and pain, just to then do nothing with it. I know I don’t “have” to listen to this call, and I also know from experience the quicker I surrender to it, the better.
I’m breaking my 9:45 computer curfew to write this out because it’s the type of subject I should explore while the iron is hot. The type of thing that might seem “less important” in the morning. That type of less important when I’ve just given the denial the time to cool over the truth and harden it a bit. But then it hardens inside of me and I just have to have it cracked open another time in another way, anyway, so why not just keep it open now.
I had a wickedly dark sex dream last night. Murder and wife swapping and words carved into skin and police corruption and that’s enough for public consumption.
Already the other details of how prostitution and womens’ health challenges showed up today are swimming, like when I have a detailed dream and don’t write it down and it’s washed away by mid-morning.
The most impactful conversation was with NM. I’m not even ready to tell “everyone” what was said there, but it awakened a little spark in me that I wasn’t even sure was alive. See, I’ve been on this precipice of perceiving that I’m just giving up on sex. That I will never be skilled enough to build bridges with men (or even 1 man) enough to have sex involve emotional intimacy and truthful congruency, in addition to a hot sexual connection which seems to be most easily stoked when I don’t tell my truth. That’s a run-on but I’m leaving it because I don’t want to separate the words from one another. It’s a hollow place to be devoid of hope. Hollowness can create space for peace…..or peril. I wish I could take a survey of all the women who have felt hopeless and considered doing sexwork as a way to fix many problems at once, while giving up on what I can now only know through experience as a dream.
I definitely feel the part of me who loves comfort holding its hat in red agitated hands….why am I saying this, just when things are getting back to normal? Why can’t I just take the easy way? How do I even know if this is real? Am I just trying to get attention in a different way, because I can’t stand the partnerlessness? Am I deliberately trying to sabotage my business?
One of my roommates brought home a movie flyer. We’ve been talking about a house movie night, so that’s not surprising. But, seriously, how did it get to me having several conversations about prostitution today, and then she says, “there’s a sex worker film festival coming up”. I’m telling you, so much primed my attention, enough for me to finally say, okay, I surrender my defenses to this topic.
Do you know how easy it is to sell sex to men? Even a brief fingernail’s hint of maybe possible sex? My lord, VERY easy, and the currency definitely doesn’t have to be money. I do not understand you creatures. Yes, sex gets my attention and takes up bandwidth. Yes, I know it’s not ALL men that react that way. Yes, I know there’s pain and anger and hurt involved on mens’ side, too. But you can’t take my experience away with your own theories, so that’s what I’m putting out here.
I realized today what I like about working with numbers. It helps me have tracks for the train. I see the numbers as little helpers. I also see them as advocates….that when I get on the side of the numbers, then they become like a little healthy army and together we move in the right direction.
What does that have to do with this. I don’t know yet. I’m working through a spiritual call in somewhat real time. I do know I felt hesitant to bring this up because I don’t want to bring any further negative exposure to women. Especially the ones in the most vulnerable and unprotected and perilous situations. And what actual things, such as numbers, do I have to be on my side? Well, I was just told it’s not an I it’s a We.
Again, don’t know where this is going. Faith is not having to know and just putting one foot in front of the other.
Also got a nudge to share with you a list of spiritual solutions that I was given to use in my stepwork. Perhaps not directly related to the above, or else I’d share the clever transition, but sharing both of these things was asked, so I’m willing.
Service
Meta
Affirmations
Gratitude list
Pray for_______
Look for signs of God
Ask for help
Pay my own way
Grieve
Exercise
List strengths of _________
Read acceptance passage of Big Book, p 417
Set boundaries
Meditate
Tell the truth
Reconnect or stay in contact with _________
Talk about my feelings
Listen
Step work
Vote
This helps everything One of James Taylor’s best songs IMHO, done by Marc Broussard, who I’m hoping to see in SF in June. Dear Marc, please bring that little guitar player of yours so he can shred live into my ears. Thank you.
I do not want to write this.
A meditation group I went to tonight offered these words in prayer: “Thank you for leading us from the unreal to the real.”
Writing this and following it in action will be from the unreal to the real, for me.
(Okay, just write it. Not aiming for perfection. Life is short and sweet. Go.)
***deep breath***
I commit to never again, if it is at all my choice, entering into close dating/romantic relationship without taking the following actions.
I’m writing it now while the heartache is fresh, because when I meet new people I tend to go back to the unreal. Every person seems like it will last forever because they are perfect for me. Every job I like I picture myself doing it when I’m 80. Big feeler, big voids that like to feel filled.
So before I even engage in dating or partnering with someone else (friends do tell me it will happen again, even though it doesn’t at all feel that way now), I will have done these things in order to keep my commitment.
(Whether I want to do them or not. Whether or not I think it is necessary. This is like pre-nup resistance. It’s ugly to acknowledge I might need it. And future self as you read this, do not forget the agony of the last week having been stripped entirely of real connection with him. Remember being alone in the sandbox and not knowing why exactly the other person went away or when or if they would come back. You owe fellow human beings nothing less than this. Yes, you can find some patience and reality to go through with this. And you’ve hurt others even worse than you’ve been hurt for far flimsier reasons, so you’re still a karmic debtor.)
(To be printed and signed by all relevant parties.)
I, Beth Crittenden, attest that I have met all the following criteria in order to move forward with dating _________________, who has also expressed interested in this dating arrangement.
1) I’ve met with a sponsor face to face and talked about it.
_____________________ (sponsor’s signature and date)
2) I’ve met with a member of the Council of 7 face to face and talked about it.
_____________________ (Council of 7 member’s signature and date)
3) I’ve taken the following actions to be getting my sensual needs met so I won’t be reliant entirely upon 1 person so there need not be a rush in that area.
(free text; possible choices are massage, OMing, spa/soak/sauna/mud bath, partner dancing or contact improv, etc.)
4) I recall and acknowledge that I almost always think the person is perfect in the beginning. I remember that for any relationship to get real and develop, I have to let that image go to move more into reality. We will get angry with each other at times. There will be times we don’t necessarily like each other. It will go up and down because we are dynamic human beings.
Here are some REAL things I acknowledge about this person I’m considering partnering with.
(free text, at least 4 things/ 2 “positive” and 2 “negative”)
5) To ensure that I’m not just lonely, here are the actions I’ve taken to connect with my community members who have known me and seen lots of sides of me.
(free text, at least 3 things from last month)
6) Here is MY PERFECT SCENARIO with this person.
(free text; get it all out, honey)
I now attest that I’m willing to let this go and let God take over. When I’ve tried to run things before, I run them into the ground. I surrender to something I won’t always understand but will always be best for me.
7) I agree that if I should decide that the relationship is not working for me and I don’t see that changing and I want to terminate the partnership, I promise to do the following:
*Sit with the person in person to have that discussion. No phone or email. That would be heinous.
*Hear what they request/need/want and get clear on what I can offer along those lines
*Take responsibility for being present to my feelings
*Be as concrete as I can with how I see the unraveling working
****************
Okay this is kind of tongue in cheek and kind of utopian. Oh, and reactionary. But it’s good to think about so I don’t keep bamboozling myself. Cadillac did give me bits here and there that I wasn’t his Gal For Good, so what this experience has taught me is more about how my denial works. (Bless my heart. “He’ll definitely contact me on my birthday, right?” Turned in to today, “He’ll definitely contact me the day after my birthday, right?” and fairly constantly “Close friend for most of 2009? Hello? There must be a really good reason for the 100% silence, right?”) I honestly don’t know if I’ll have the power to resist it in the future and maybe I’ll get myself back to this same place at some future time. Who knows. I wish this could be humdinger enough to have permanently rung that bell.
I went to birthday dinner with 2 wonderful (male) friends. Both former lovers, both awesome smart attractive guys, both who I tried to wrestle into The One briefly but it just became obvious that we are meant to be special friends. It’s been years now! Wow, how great is that.
Anyway, one of them was quizzing me about what I meant by I wanted to pass for normal by dating Cadillac. Feel Less and Think Less definitely seems like they woulda shoulda coulda made things simpler. My friend’s metaphor is a tool called the Feeler Gauge. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feeler_gauge) He said some feeler gauges have 1000′s of teeth and they pick up ALOT of information. Other feeler gauges have more like 100′s of teeth and they don’t pick up as much. So it’s not a case of normal or not normal, but a case of just how many spines are on our feeler gauge.
My dungeon friend, who is a very very wise healer, turned me on to a whole other angle to the situation. She said if I was that drawn to this person, he must have lots of attractive things about him. (Yes! He is wonderful! I love him! Oh, we’ve established that.) She said if that was the case for me, it’s probably the case that lots of other people feel drawn to him too, and that must make it hard for him to work his stuff out. (Oh. Right. Didn’t think of that. Just want my love to be the best and most welcome.) So I remembered the juncture when I really just could have built a friendship with him, and let the physical stuff come later or maybe even not, and now I wish I would have been more patient around that. Water under the bridge by now, but that was helpful and I do feel a little chagrined about it. I’ve been given gifts of insight that I didn’t use with him at all because I willingly let my God-dar (God Radar) be totally foggy and jammed by lust and possessiveness.
***********************
Those of you who follow me on Twitter (@bethcrittenden) may have seen that I accepted a part-time gig today that I am thrilled about!
It’s at Matchesthatmatter.com
More to come, but there is a really beautiful flow happening there and I sense I’ll be able to equally contribute and learn there. Very excited.
I remember at OneTaste one of the residents who came through had her own business. I didn’t even really know what that meant, and I just didn’t understand how she could have no office. What? I remember being interested in that freedom and flexibility and thinking, “I could never do that”.
: ) )
**************
If you are of the advice-giving type, would you kindly let me know your thoughts about this first draft of my financial coaching website?
http://unconditionalfinancialserenity.wordpress.com/
(Sorry, not sure why the link function is not working on this post.)
What I’d love to hear feedback on is:
-is it clear what I’m offering?
-does it cover the relevant pain points?
-is the call to action clear for how someone would work with me?
-what else would feel more inspiring to read about?
I’ve just been having such a great time with my existing clients and getting phenomenal feedback from them. I haven’t yet transmitted that through the site so I’m asking for help with my blind spots.
Love the tape deck! Love the black halter and black nails!
I’ve had to cut myself off from listening to anymore Susan Tedeschi today. Love her too but you see I’ve made this playlist of 5 of her songs that talk about being left, lost lover blues, having fallen in love with a sturdy man that she thought would always be there, oh, and the best one for crying is about she can’t reach him because he’s wrapped in the arms of another. OW OW OW OW OW
I know it’s not entirely about me. He’s going through about one of the worst things he could be going through. If I could take that away I would. If I could re-do some of the corporate values that I imagine got him in the awful situation, I would.
A friend told me yesterday, “Beth, you got kicked in the gut. It’s okay to just feel that now. You don’t have to be totally spiritual and accepting. Have your feelings about it.”
There is a program exercise to identify:
“Why is this the best thing that has ever happened to me?”
F***** hell. Oy. Okay might as well. I wasn’t expecting this post to go there.
1) The pain had me reach out to TONS of people and reconnect and be reminded that I’m loved and appreciated.
2) I had a divinely healing experience back on the edge last night, which I will write about separately behind the Silver Curtain. (Oh, and the password issue should be fixed now. Shoot me an email if it still doesn’t work for you. beth@unconditionalserenity.com)
3) The title of this post. Oh my lord, am I feeling those back taxes of relationships that I left immediately and without feeling it at the time. I have SO much gratitude for the ones who made it through and we are still friends. I want to be that brave. E just sent me a Happy Birthday text, for example, and the way I cut him off back then was, now I know, practically unforgiveable. And he forgave me and we’re not the closest of friends but there’s love there that we get to express.
4) Last night FriendHusband was my birthday chauffeur extraordinnaire. At one point in time, the plan was to see Cadillac last night after seeing FriendHusband for an hour or 2 where I probably would have been anxiously awaiting the time I could go get face and body time with Cadillac. Instead, FriendHusband and I had some really sweet rich adventures. One of them, a small but significant one. I returned a due book to the library. I hadn’t finished it but couldn’t renew it. I took a few moments to thumb through it in the car. Oh wow, wouldn’t you know the part I hadn’t read happened to be about grieving the end of relationships. Not the linear total end, that was the interesting thing. It talked about how each phase in the relationship when you get more reality that it’s not perfect, it may not work, it’s not the be all end all, that health is grieving those at the time. Well that’s interesting and I never thought about that. It helped me understand some of the back taxes phenomenon I was talking about paying. Not only were there relationships I jumped ship from without giving them the proper respect, there have also been these losses along the way that I didn’t feel because either we were still ostensibly together, or I didn’t think I “should” feel them or something like that. It also said it’s impossible to grieve the loss of 1 while you’re moving on to another person. Yep, learned that through experience, too. Hope to be more disciplined about that this time around.
5) I’ve been willing to ask for more, for whatever reason. I guess with a cracked open heart and a psychic and emotional place that was vacated by a best friend and lover, there is more willingness on my part to maybe hear No when I ask. And to hear Yes. Example. My roommate asked me this morning if I had any special birthday requests. It culminated in her brushing my hair (one of my favorite treats), French braiding it, and leaving her fabulous essential oils collection in my room to enjoy today. Fun!
There’s more but it’s time to go for now. Thanks again everyone for reading. My critical voice tells me “You just write about yourself. You’re so self-absorbed.” But I know some of the themes are universal. OH! And part of the last night experience that I don’t want to forget is that I consider part of my life’s purpose to be giving people permission to be exactly who they are. That has always been important for me, I just didn’t have words for it until adulthood.
So I pray for today to include myself in that.
I pray that Cadillac travels safely and has a wonderful time.
I pray to engage in my re-exploration (Now behind the Bodily Spiritual Practice header; formerly called Medi) in healthy and conscious ways.
I pray that you know how special you are, and that you express your gifts.
I pray that people get free to be sane and connected and nourished.
I pray that you’ll tell at least one little truth today that you may not otherwise have dared. (Example for me. Morning with Charlie’s Angels included a conversation about my edge play that I had assumed they couldn’t handle. But they did and it was beautiful.)
I pray that you listen to your body well today. Do you need to hydrate? Do you need a hug? Do you need to rest your eyes for a few minutes?
I pray that you welcome every little part of you that wants to speak up.
I’ll leave you with this inspiration from a meditation book.
“One must not lose desires. They are mighty stimulants to creativeness, to love, and to long life.” ~Alexander Bogomoletz
Top Ten Happiness Provokers in Beth Today
1) I got a Carmen song stuck in my mind and went I went to listen it out, I found this adorable classic.
2) Could feel a roommate’s anger. Asked her about it, stayed open, had a great sweet conversation. In the midst of a work deadline, communicating with a worker about the tub being full of dirt (they fixed it), as well as heading to a lunch meeting.
3) Thoroughly enjoyed said lunch with new neighborhood friend. She helps men “get the girl”, so I think I may have a possible solution to transitioning away from the dating client that’s not the best match for what I’m offering anymore. And she moved here from Texas and is really into spiritual things as well as entrepreneurship. Aye carumba!
4) Breathing in the sunshine after a fresh rain had passed by. Enjoyed a simple present walk.
5) Moving forward with the project to market the children’s book illustrator. Him sharing how I inspired him. Yay.
6) Another roommate, the master tenant, shared with me over breakfast that she may want to move out. I did not freak out (although I did selfishly think, “but I just bought a bed!!”). I will cross that bridge when I come to it. People say stuff all the time. It’s the action decisions that I need to take actions on. I absolutely do not need to knock myself out trying to find a place on CL just yet.
7) Yesterday I ran in to a friend on the bus, and we’ve been trying to work out a schedule for massage trades for ages. I called him with a time I could give him a massage today and he didn’t call me back. A friend and client texted me last minute to see if I would give him a massage today. I am totally in the mood for it, it will balance out the computer work I’ve been doing and smooth out my energy. Thank you thank you! Sometimes the blank of the desire gets filled in unexpected ways if I allow it to.
8) At a time this morning when I normally would have emotionally tanked when perceiving Cadillac didn’t like something, not only did my ship not sink, I stayed floating on the waves inside of me. Okay, so I caught a little bit of air on a couple of them, but no capsizing is definite progress.
9) I had a FANTASTIC conversation with a good friend today about a wild monk and the etiquette of conscious 3somes. Fascinating!
10) Still glowing from discovering that the 2 pastors for whom I’m babysitting on a regular basis are in a Presbyterian group of churches who are moving forward with ordaining gay and lesbian pastors. YAY!
Texas cheerleader suing – didn’t root for attacker
Bob Egelko, Chronicle Staff Writer
San Francisco Chronicle November 5, 2010
If you’re a high school cheerleader, you cheer for the whole team. The stars and the scrubs. The nice guys and the jerks.
But what about a player you’ve accused of raping you?
You’ve got to cheer for him too, according to a federal appeals court, because you’re really speaking for the school and not yourself.
The court dismissed a free-speech suit by a Texas teenager who was kicked off the cheerleading squad for sitting silently, with her arms folded, while her assailant shot free throws in a playoff game.
The former cheerleader and her family are appealing the ruling by the Fifth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in New Orleans, which includes an order to pay the school district’s legal fees on the grounds their suit was far-fetched and frivolous.
A case that has gripped a small town in southeast Texas also provides a window into the diminishing state of free speech on campus.
More than 40 years after the U.S. Supreme Court declared that neither students nor teachers “shed their constitutional rights to freedom of speech … at the schoolhouse gate,” the former cheerleader’s judicial rebuff reflects a shift in perspective that has the courts showing more deference to school authorities.
“What I want out of the whole thing is for somebody to admit they were wrong,” the 18-year-old woman, identifying herself by her initials H.S., said in an interview last week. After undergoing therapy and graduating from high school, she’s taking a semester off before college, where she plans to study forensic science, partly because of what happened to her.
The basketball player has pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor assault charge, received a suspended sentence, and is making plans for college and “going forward with his life,” his lawyer said. He has denied raping H.S.
Court’s backtracking
The Supreme Court issued what appeared to be a declaration of free-speech rights on campus in 1969, when it allowed high school students to wear black armbands to protest the Vietnam War and said schools could clamp down only if students disrupted the educational process.
The court started to retrench in 1986 with a ruling allowing a high school to censor a student’s sexually suggestive speech at an assembly. Two years later, the court upheld a high school principal’s authority to prohibit articles on pregnancy and divorce from appearing in a student newspaper.
The Constitution does not require a school “to promote particular student speech,” the court said in a ruling that became a precedent for the H.S. case.
In 2007, the justices allowed a school to suspend a student for carrying a banner that read “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” at a school-approved parade near campus, saying the message could be interpreted as promoting drugs.
These days, “student speech is not given the respect it deserves. …There’s a mind-set that school officials are in total control,” said David Hudson, a Vanderbilt University law professor and scholar with the First Amendment Center who has written about the H.S. case.
Incident at party
H.S., then 16, attended a party in her hometown of Silsbee, Texas, in October 2008. She said she was dragged into a room, thrown onto the floor by several youths and raped by Rakheem Bolton, a star on the school’s football and basketball teams.
Bolton and a teammate were arrested two days later, but were allowed to return to school after a county grand jury declined to indict them. They were later indicted on sexual assault charges, but in the interim came the February 2009 incident on the basketball court.
H.S. joined in leading cheers for the Silsbee High team. But when Bolton went to the foul line, and the cheers included his name, she stepped back, folded her arms and sat down.
“I didn’t want to have to say his name, and I didn’t want to cheer for him,” H.S. said. “I didn’t want to encourage anything he was doing.”
Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/11/05/MNDQ1G1R78.DTL&tsp=1#ixzz14imYxHww
Cadillac loaned me the Crucial Conversations audio companion CD’s. I liked the book a lot. I’ve been slowly downloading the discs and there was one disc that got really stuck. I’ve never seen this happen, but iTunes didn’t recognize it and various tips I followed for getting a dislodged CD out didn’t work for days. Finally today I found online a nifty program trick through Terminal. Once I finally got the disc out, I almost put it right back in the package thinking, I don’t wanna go there again! But once my sweet eyes rested on its titles, I knew it was probably a good idea to persevere with this one. Maybe it just really really needed to get my attention.
“How to Stay in Dialogue When You’re Angry, Scared or Hurt”
“Master My Stories”
“Path To Action”
“Separate Face From Story”
“Downward Spiral”
“The Rest of the Story”
Okay, if I stopped all other personal work and just focused on those topics, I’d STILL have a lifetime of work to do!!
So it’s burning into my consciousness….I mean, my iTunes, now.
(Postscript: When I took it out this time, it somehow flew out of my hands and onto the floor. Hot Potato Disc.)
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Note to self: Remember the Dwarf of Forgetfulness from today.
And if you forget again, that’s okay, you’re just being human.
This is the soundtrack for this post. Run it in the background, please, friends. Be with me. Bounce with me.
I gave the talk at a meeting yesterday on body image. Inside out.
And have been studying more lately what men and women are looking for/drawn to. Outside in.
Check out this video from the movie Science of Sex Appeal for more specific ‘outside in’ example:
The jealousy stuff factors into this body image conversation. So we have the above 2 categories that have to do with me plus those potentially attracted to me. (Me being anyone in the center of this inquiry.)
Then there’s the category of body image as it applies to those other women (let’s keep it simple for this discussion) who those attracted to me might ALSO be attracted to.
Scarcity would have me (still, the any one of us ‘me’, although it has been true for me Beth, as well) believe that the women in this third category are BAD and SUBTRACTING from the attraction. In that frame the equation would be
me pretty alone + potentially attracted person= good for me
Add the third category and the equation becomes
me pretty + her pretty = less potentially attracted aka bad for me
Okay so it’s not mathematically perfect but it will do.
I truly have been playing with this equation in my mind, especially in light of the ambiguity in the relationship with Cadillac and my not putting any stake in the ground per se about ‘this is what I want no matter what’. My mantra lately is be in the gray, be in the gray. So as I was looking at a woman after my body image talk yesterday, I noticed ‘she is pretty’. I prayed for her, to have direction and pleasure and nourishment. Just me and her in my mind, no threat.
Then that little wise voice knocked on my internal door and presented me with the image of Cadillac also finding her pretty and wanting to get wit her, yew knew what I’m sayin.
I felt a crunch inside. Woah nelly! Nothing happened! And I still felt some pain! That tells me it’s self-generated. Just looking at a girl who didn’t even know she was being looked at, I generate that whole ride inside of myself.
This could be obvious to the entire world except for Beth. YET I’m clearly doing something with this jealousy stuff that, let’s say to be kind…..could be more skillful. I want to think it’s out of my control, that I’m just built as a possessive jealous woman and it’s out of my hands, but it can’t all be biological or even pre-cortex.
I know there are women who like to admire other women with their guys. Good on ya. I admire that. On a great hair day with no hormonal interference after I’ve gotten paid and when there’s someone else interested in me on the side, I MIGHT be able to do that for a few seconds with a main squeeze before closing down in fear or anger or suspicion.
I’ve enjoyed peak experiences of including conscious turn-on between men and more than 1 woman, and every single time there was a hellish emotional crash either during or after. I’d go so far as to describe it as debilitating.
So at the moment I guess I could say I know it’s possible and I haven’t wanted to hurt the quieter gentler parts of me who bear the brunt of the crash.
I guess the little seedlings growing in the garden of my mind revolve around is there a way to do this, and perhaps the best partners to choose around communication style, level of trust, temperament, etc., that could help me very gradually change my thought patterns. I tried the rush-in-no-holds-barred-guns-blazing-skinny-dipping-in-the-polar-bear-club approach for years, and I don’t choose that going forward. I have literally experienced trauma that way. I don’t know why, but I do know what I experienced, and it had the psychological and physiological symptoms. I also chose the totally-avoid-the-topic-emotionally-prepare-to-withdraw approach and that’s not the level of enlivening that I want. Okay so it’s Goldilocks at play, yes, wanting it to be just right, but it’s also wanting to find the livable sustainable gray between black OR white.
I want to want what’s best for everyone.
I want to remember that any curiosity and interest and aliveness is a good thing.
I want to remember I don’t possess any human being, or their emotional state.
I want to be playful under a wide variety of circumstances.
I want to choose health.
I want to invite God and all that means into every single part of my existence, and live in the knowledge that it is all Divine. Nothing left out.
I want to do things because I want to do them, not because I’m afraid of the not doing them.
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I joined an online tennis league today! (Cadillac’s inspiration set the wheels in motion and then the Giants’ athleticism has electrified me. Thanks, guys.)) My goal is to practice once a week and play a league match once a week. I sent my first challenge request within the league. They have 24 hours to respond. ***rubbing little hands together*** I printed the league rules and now Tennis has its own folder at my house. Not only does it have its own folder, I put it in my Live Clients special black folder that separates it from all else! Tennis is my happiness/strategy/athletic/edge-pushing client.
Difference between Faith and Trust, as presented by my sponsor. Who heard it from his sponsor.
“So you’re at Niagra Falls, at the top of the falls.
Your Higher Power walks across the top of the falls towards you, rolling an empty wheelbarrow.
Your Higher Power asks you while you’re standing there, ‘Do you believe I can make it across the falls with this wheelbarrow?’
You unequivocally say, ‘YES! I totally believe you can make it across.’ <<That’s Faith.>>
Your Higher Power says, ‘Okay then. Hop in the wheelbarrow. We’re going across together.’ “
<<If you hop in, that’s Trust.>>
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Today’s entry from Answers in the Heart, a daily recovery meditation book.
Extremists think “communication” means agreeing with them. -Leo Rosten
A woman was talking to a woman friend about her difficulties with a male colleague at work. When she finished, her friend said, “It’s hard, isn’t it, when someone else doesn’t speak our language?”.
So often men and women aren’t speaking the same language. Someone who cries at work runs the risk of being called overemotional, or someone who sticks to the task at hand, no matter what, is perceived as cold and insensitive.
The solution is not to speak the same language to the point of eradicating our masculinity or femininity when we deal with the opposite sex. Rather, we can look for a common language that still affirms our uniqueness as human beings.
