God With Skin On

Hey, you readers gave me some happy tears when I just peeked at the blog stats. This little blog baby of mine got the most visits ever by double…on my birthday! So while Cadillac, ahem, wasn’t able to acknowledge my birthday at all, the readers did, and I thank you so much. You’re the balm.  (HA  couldn’t resist)

I realized tonight as I was sitting outside the meditation room that I trust the concrete/tangible/touchable more than I trust the spirit/flow/common goodwill. I’ve chosen the sure thing I can touch over the seemingly maybe unseeable thing. I’ve heard the phrase God With Skin On. That doesn’t work when it’s my ego grasping. I like God, I like skin, great; in theory we should be all set! I’m having a hard time accepting that it’s more elusive than that, and seems to require more patience and less attachment.. And that I can’t just worship 1 person who is “all mine” and have that be my world….bummer. Instead I talk to something I can’t see and sometimes it’s just quite and sometimes it whispers to me and sometimes I see a puppy looking at me on the street and get a message and sometimes I get shivers and tingles and know we’re connected even without words involved. Crazy, huh.

I wrote a list tonight of just why I’m having such a tough time turning my sexual life over to Higher Power. Of saying, “God/Spirit/Divine/Soul of Bob Ross, I’ve tried everything I can try to get this thing to work well and I’ve decided I need your help. Please. Thank you.” Some things I noticed:

*I wonder why would God bother with my dirty little trite sexuality? (Ouch. Habit.)

*I’m afraid if I turn it over, God won’t give me anything back because I’ve already misused it. Everyone knows if you don’t play right with a toy and you hurt the other kids with it, the toy will be taken away. Better to hide under the bed and play with the toy quietly.

*Part of me thinks God doesn’t speak the language of sex. A program fellow said to me, “You can invite your Higher Power to join you in bed any time.” Woah. That was actually quite confronting. Woah again.

*I fear if I turn over my sexuality to Higher Power, then I’ll really just be boring and bored in that area. There IS actually a nun who lives inside me. I’m scared that if I truly go the spiritual route, that she’ll be calling the shots and we’ll never have sexual play again.

*Honestly, my vanity is a large part of what tried to hold on so tightly to Cadillac. The man is gorgeous, and has so many amazing physical traits. I even like the colors he wears. What if I turn over my sexuality to HP and the princess gets a frog in return? I’m worried that spiritual always has to feel like charity.

*I’m worried that there is a lifetime quota of sexuality and I’ve used all mine up. Like it’s doled out on scratch and sniff tickets and there’s not even any smell left to my sex ticket.

*I’m worried that if I choose other people to play with who are spiritually conscious that they won’t be physically good at it. I want a man with a slow hand and the Pointer Sisters did not add, a strong internal guidance and radiance.

*Oh, and the piece de resistance is that if I admit I don’t think I will have children and the Christians are right about sex being for procreation and I turn over my sex to God, then wouldn’t it make sense for God to give me no sex since I will be giving the world no children?

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A couple of my regular tennis partners have dropped off. I forge on. If you know of anyone in San Francisco who wants to hit with a 2.5 player (that’s me), please send them my way!! beth@unconditionalserenity.com

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I hope you have the best Thanksgiving EVER. That goes for everyone. I hope you, if you have struggled with food as I have, remember that “another word for Thanksgiving is ‘Thursday’”. I hope you remember what you do have. I  hope you realize how important it is that you are alive. You are carrying the absolutely perfect blueprint for who you are supposed to be, and you’ve always done that right and always will. I’m supposed to be questioning everything. Cadillac is supposed to be in another state perhaps, doing I don’t know what. HG is supposed to be spending Thanksgiving in a beautiful mystical coast location. MLeg (hi baby! good to see you tonight!) is supposed to be thinking that no thoughts can be believed as the truth. And on and on.

I’m grateful that we are connected.

 

 

Kids Say The Darndest Things

Upon meeting the four year-old boy I’d be sitting for this evening, he says to me,

“ARE YOU A TEENAGER?”

Ha! How droll. No, dear boy. How refreshing for you to be at an age where you can ask a woman about her age as the first question. (Don’t get used to it, kid.)

“WELL, ARE YOU A MOM?”

Okay, that one put slightly more ice in my veins. A direct hit! Fine work, young captain!

Nope, not a mom.

“WELL THEN WHAT ARE YOU?”

I had just left a good friend a message on my way to sit with these little ones that I’ve been thinking a lot about the role of women “of age” who are unnmarried and without kids. How fascinating to have that reflected back immediately.

You of course have not forgotten that it’s my birthday on November 22.

I’ll be 35. Mid-30′s. Next major milestone, 40 (God willing).

Whenever I’ve leaned in to my spiritual wisdom about the will-I-or-won’t-I have kids question, the answer has truly always been an unequivocal,

Hmm. Remains to be seen. Check back later.

I tried on the Definite No for a while just to see if I could get a sense of clarifying closure.

I tried on the Definite Yes for a while just to, well, same thing as before.

You know the saying I quoted earlier? Well, if you missed it, I’ll refresh you.

“This being the case, how shall I proceed?”

These seem to be the case now:                      I run out of energy quickly. I get frazzled and melt down. I absolutely adore most every kid I’ve ever met. I love to play. I have character defects out the ying yang, and that’s after years of deliberate intentful addressing of removing them. I’m selfish and self-centered. I’m creative. I’m in love with someone who is patiently fond of me, yet who also told me openly he hasn’t really told more than a handful of people about me. I’m cagey about trusting. I have a fiercely generous nurturing side.

So what wins in this jumble in order to know best how I shall proceed?

Recently I heard a great speaker define his version of spirituality. I’ll paraphrase. If I step off the side of a 20-story building, I can pray all I want on the way down but I’m still going to die. If I pray before I jump over the edge for guidance, then something has a chance to help me not jump off the ledge. I don’t have to know how that thing works, I just won’t be dead like I would be in the first scenario.

Okay he said it much more eloquently but it applies to this situation. I can pray and pray and pray and THIS BEING THE CASE is that my body is going through a natural aging process and after a certain point I will no longer be able to, I say this lovingly, breed.

**oh wow. I just looked over in the midst of writing – I’m at the home computer where I’m babysitting and being neither a teenager nor a mom so what am I – and the same pillow my therapist has in her office is sitting next to this computer. I hold onto that pillow for dear life every other week. okay that’s just beautiful enough to get me out of my head about this.**

I’m grateful that a James Brown song is playing at a house nearby and I can hear it but it’s not disturbing the kids.

I’m grateful that I watched a fun movie (Spiderwick) and listened to sweet nighttime music with the kids as they fell asleep tonight.

I’m grateful that I have on my client plate for next week ALL tasks that I want to do and am excited about.

I’m grateful that I’m developing deeper friendships from choice.

I’m grateful that every day I learn more about healthy boundaries.

I’m grateful that while it does seem I’ll be moving in the coming months, the 3 Charlie’s Angels are intending to stick together and move together.

I’m grateful that you’re reading this.

I’m grateful that my body today is healthy and that I’ve learned to love her after years of war.

I’m grateful for kids and adults and everything in between, around, and outside of that range.