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Hi.
Not sure how long or far this one will go, but I’m willing.
Let’s start with the end. Which is kind of a beginning, but you’ll hopefully see what I mean soon enough.
I sent this email just now to Veronica Monet.
“Veronica!
My Higher Power nudged me to offer you help tonight. The topic of how female prostitutes are treated has repeated today in ways that can only be explained spiritually. Got any ideas, off the top of your head?
And I hope all is going very well for you!
Much love
Beth”
I’d like to tell you I wasn’t expecting this, but that wouldn’t be entirely true. I know my OneTaste experience didn’t happen pointlessly, or in a vacuum. I know I haven’t gone through shedding the layers of conditioning and shame and silence and pain, just to then do nothing with it. I know I don’t “have” to listen to this call, and I also know from experience the quicker I surrender to it, the better.
I’m breaking my 9:45 computer curfew to write this out because it’s the type of subject I should explore while the iron is hot. The type of thing that might seem “less important” in the morning. That type of less important when I’ve just given the denial the time to cool over the truth and harden it a bit. But then it hardens inside of me and I just have to have it cracked open another time in another way, anyway, so why not just keep it open now.
I had a wickedly dark sex dream last night. Murder and wife swapping and words carved into skin and police corruption and that’s enough for public consumption.
Already the other details of how prostitution and womens’ health challenges showed up today are swimming, like when I have a detailed dream and don’t write it down and it’s washed away by mid-morning.
The most impactful conversation was with NM. I’m not even ready to tell “everyone” what was said there, but it awakened a little spark in me that I wasn’t even sure was alive. See, I’ve been on this precipice of perceiving that I’m just giving up on sex. That I will never be skilled enough to build bridges with men (or even 1 man) enough to have sex involve emotional intimacy and truthful congruency, in addition to a hot sexual connection which seems to be most easily stoked when I don’t tell my truth. That’s a run-on but I’m leaving it because I don’t want to separate the words from one another. It’s a hollow place to be devoid of hope. Hollowness can create space for peace…..or peril. I wish I could take a survey of all the women who have felt hopeless and considered doing sexwork as a way to fix many problems at once, while giving up on what I can now only know through experience as a dream.
I definitely feel the part of me who loves comfort holding its hat in red agitated hands….why am I saying this, just when things are getting back to normal? Why can’t I just take the easy way? How do I even know if this is real? Am I just trying to get attention in a different way, because I can’t stand the partnerlessness? Am I deliberately trying to sabotage my business?
One of my roommates brought home a movie flyer. We’ve been talking about a house movie night, so that’s not surprising. But, seriously, how did it get to me having several conversations about prostitution today, and then she says, “there’s a sex worker film festival coming up”. I’m telling you, so much primed my attention, enough for me to finally say, okay, I surrender my defenses to this topic.
Do you know how easy it is to sell sex to men? Even a brief fingernail’s hint of maybe possible sex? My lord, VERY easy, and the currency definitely doesn’t have to be money. I do not understand you creatures. Yes, sex gets my attention and takes up bandwidth. Yes, I know it’s not ALL men that react that way. Yes, I know there’s pain and anger and hurt involved on mens’ side, too. But you can’t take my experience away with your own theories, so that’s what I’m putting out here.
I realized today what I like about working with numbers. It helps me have tracks for the train. I see the numbers as little helpers. I also see them as advocates….that when I get on the side of the numbers, then they become like a little healthy army and together we move in the right direction.
What does that have to do with this. I don’t know yet. I’m working through a spiritual call in somewhat real time. I do know I felt hesitant to bring this up because I don’t want to bring any further negative exposure to women. Especially the ones in the most vulnerable and unprotected and perilous situations. And what actual things, such as numbers, do I have to be on my side? Well, I was just told it’s not an I it’s a We.
Again, don’t know where this is going. Faith is not having to know and just putting one foot in front of the other.
Also got a nudge to share with you a list of spiritual solutions that I was given to use in my stepwork. Perhaps not directly related to the above, or else I’d share the clever transition, but sharing both of these things was asked, so I’m willing.
Service
Meta
Affirmations
Gratitude list
Pray for_______
Look for signs of God
Ask for help
Pay my own way
Grieve
Exercise
List strengths of _________
Read acceptance passage of Big Book, p 417
Set boundaries
Meditate
Tell the truth
Reconnect or stay in contact with _________
Talk about my feelings
Listen
Step work
Vote
This helps everything One of James Taylor’s best songs IMHO, done by Marc Broussard, who I’m hoping to see in SF in June. Dear Marc, please bring that little guitar player of yours so he can shred live into my ears. Thank you.
This advice has gotten much more refined as I’ve played with it over time.
The controlling neurotic perfectionists will likely be able to relate the most to what treacherous bridges must be crossed to begin Saying Yes.
It can be all-out war inside.
I’ve enjoyed many delicious examples of Yes today. That I’m here at all is big fat Yes.
Where am I? Gesalen, FriendHusband’s woodland retreat. I got out of bed just minutes ago, and it is 2:30pm. (Okay, I peed and ate breakfast, but still.)
Why am I here? This afternoon I begin a 4-day silent retreat at Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre, CA. Gesalen is just up the road.
What did it take for me to get here?
*willingness to spend the money (but I’ve already done retreats, why do I need to do another one/ I’ll never save up enough for a house down payment if I keep this up/ but can’t I just meditate for free at home and at the Integral Center?)
*willingness to take a few days off from my business (HARD – what if clients forget me/what if clients choose someone else because I’m not around/I don’t work all THAT hard so why the heck am I taking a break from it, etc.)
*willingness to be friends with FriendHusband at all (but he’s much older than I am/but he…lots of his business I won’t dish)
*willingness to not travel East over the holiday (but family really only gets together once a year/but they’d do all the work and why am I so selfish that I keep myself away from them at a special time/you never know how much longer any of us have on Earth)
*willingness to let go my rigid control around my food choices (but what if I gain weight and then really nobody wants to make out with me/but what if I can’t “control” myself/shouldn’t I “behave” since I’m just emerging from a hard time?)
And on and on.
And you know what, I stared at the trees and the rain and listened to my second favorite sound in the world for hours today. I wouldn’t trade anything for it. FriendHusband offered to go to the store while I laid in bed for my breakfast and lunch, so there went that worry without my having to do anything but tell him what I wanted. I asked him to play with my hair which I love love love, and he did and it felt wonderful. I usually tease him about his astrological study, but I was in a good space to hear it (yeses beget yeses) and it was actually fascinating how he explained it. (My chart says I’m mainly about sex and death and uncovering the unseen things in life. AND I’ll have tender feelings about the whole thing. Woah! That works!)
I said Yes yesterday when FriendHusband and Yam encouraged me to do the whole 9 yards of the retreat, which means 5am-10pm each day. I have this thing that I only want to say Yes when I can 100% guarantee I will do it. But that’s not really a dynamic approach. I meant it then. And then when I thought it through today, I realized my motivations for doing the retreat that way would be in pleasing and proving. Been there, done that, got the suffering T-shirt. So today I’m a Yes to NOT doing it from 5am-10pm each day, because I’ve learned about myself and my constitution that it wouldn’t work well for my health, really in any way. Could I force myself? I think so. Do I want to? Kind of, because I don’t want to get teased. Am I going to? No I’m not. There is a broader picture to consider, and I pray for guidance in continuing to consider it every day.
So I’m curious today, to what have you said Yes to? To what would you like to say Yes to, and what might be in the way? What’s the “long tail” as they say for what your specific yeses may lead to?
Happy Yes’ing
My former teacher used to tell the story of her Bike Ride of Faith.
I just had my Compost Bin Roll of Faith.
I worked in Concord this afternoon. (Bookkeeping for E’s Dad! And I got to meet his Grandpa! It was awesome, lots of fun.) However, BART had a mechanical problem and it took me nearly 2 hours to get home. During that time I wrote off my little head of steam. I continued to look at the bargains I had made with God….IF The Man had worked out, oh I would have been so willing to be GOOD. And The Man has not ever worked out (according to my plan) and there’s still program to work, bills to pay, health to take care of, and it’s my week to take out the compost bin. Thanks, Jerky God, for sending me that kick to the ovaries and leaving the responsibilities piled high as if my heart were intact and fully functional. Heinous. Poor moi.
So once I got home I talked to my roommate a little bit about how my unwillingness was there, but I’d pretend like it wasn’t and I’d just roll the dang thing out. Even though life is not at all going according to my plan and I really don’t feel like following the good script. Pout pout pout.
So I’m rolling this heavy thing, taller than waist-high, through our dark basement. I’m lugging it and praying at the same time. I put my arm out in case there were spider webs and bent and softened my knees in case there were holes in the old floor boards. I get it while I’m there in the dark that it’s significant that I’m rolling this heavy thing blindly and trusting something to get it through and out to the street.
And I also get it just then how I judge God as a coward for not showing up in skin right in front of me so we can talk person to person. That seems so chicken to be all invisible and ubiquitous and anywhere and everywhere at the same time, while we’re here rotting away in bodies and not understanding jackdoodle. How on earth could man have been created in God’s image if we can’t see or touch God? This theory is just not holding up under examination for me. And I’m trying to think of a comparable scenario in which I’m God. I know I’m going to live forever and I “know” everything. I think I’ll create a big ol’ hive of little things that will die in a short amount of time and understand hardly anything at all, but think they have it practically all figured out!
A few things helped me realize that Kind Of Very Big Deal thing. (Oh, it’s just that I’ve been totally mad at The Way Things Are and I keep blaming other people, even though they’re just in their own confused rotting bodies just like I am. There’s just not any way at the ultimate level that any human beings are not playing for the same big team. Opted in upon birth, like it or not.)
Reading B’i's-recommended book (We by Robert Johnson; also got through lots of it on the epic journey home tonight), I was enraptured by passages like this.
p 61 ” We have taken the God-image out of the temple, out of heaven, and suddenly relocated it here in our midst, contained in the relationship between two human beings….In the feeling of being possessed by our loves, of being caught up in some power that completely overwhelms us, we rediscover our religious life.”
Oh! How unfair! I’ve been doing that all along, then feeling so disappointed in the Not-God human that I had such high hopes for!
p 71 “It still hasn’t occurred to Western man to stop looking on woman as the symbol of something and to begin seeing her simply as a woman-as a human being. He is caught in the ambivalence he feels toward his own inner feminine, sometimes rushing toward it in search of his lost soul, sometimes disdaining it as a needless complication in his life, a “‘wrench in the gears’ of his patriarchal machinery. This is the unhealed split within man that he projects onto outer woman, the war he fights at her expense.”
Thank you so much. I got solace from that. If I die of heart ache, put that on my tomb. (And end it with, “She tried real hard to be a good martyr, but her personality just got in the way.”)
p 78 “If a woman is ignored or hurt by a man, she will often find a way to turn his sword against him, to wound him through his own power drive. But in the instant that a man wakes up to his own need, offers his love, and affirmatively relates to her, woman has an almost magical power to forgive…..The feminine, whether in a woman or a man, will usually drop her grudges, and forget the wounds of the past if she is offered genuine relatedness and affection in the present. This is one of the most noble and beautiful instincts in woman, one of the ways that she serves and transforms life. Relatedness is her first principle, the dominant theme of nature, that for which, more than all else, she lives.”
YES YES YES
Ha! now that I’ve been granted the grace to “get” these things, now let’s look at actual behavior.
What do I do when someone turns around and actually DOES want to play with me, all of me, as I am? How often do I run or block or deflect or excuse myself for lame reasons?
What do I do when I feel genuine connection with Spirit? How often do I speed up my life to try and escape the high-octane purity of that radiance?
How have I handled my own awakening experiences, during and after which I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that all is as it should be, and I am never alone, not one of us is ever alone? Did I go back to my addictions? Did I find new ones? Did I repeat unskillful habits? Tres oui.
Okay, at this point those of you who are “nice” are saying, woah, B, go easy, you’re just human. I know. AND it’s true! If I’m going to be all scrappy-girl-in-the-boxing-ring, I’d better be ready to fully participate in the fight!
Oh, something else I got today is forgiveness of myself for the times I’ve “broken hearts”. I saw they were just going for their own deeply religious experience by feeling that much and pursuing so strongly.
So where does that leave me on this fine mid-December day?
I can’t make anyone else open up. I can’t make anyone else play. I can’t change anyone else’s feelings.
I can love myself. I can love other people whether they are around or not. I can practice metta meditation. I can share with you the format I’ve been given for metta (“lovingkindness”) meditation.
This is not the complete instruction. (Oh! How helpful! I just learned something new from this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mett%C4%81)
But the basic format (and see further instruction for which names to choose)
May (person) be free from suffering
May (person) be healthy and at ease
May (person) be clear of mind
May (person) feel held and warm and seen
May (person) feel joyful and satisfied
May you be all those things and more.
With love to all~
Hey, you readers gave me some happy tears when I just peeked at the blog stats. This little blog baby of mine got the most visits ever by double…on my birthday! So while Cadillac, ahem, wasn’t able to acknowledge my birthday at all, the readers did, and I thank you so much. You’re the balm. (HA couldn’t resist)
I realized tonight as I was sitting outside the meditation room that I trust the concrete/tangible/touchable more than I trust the spirit/flow/common goodwill. I’ve chosen the sure thing I can touch over the seemingly maybe unseeable thing. I’ve heard the phrase God With Skin On. That doesn’t work when it’s my ego grasping. I like God, I like skin, great; in theory we should be all set! I’m having a hard time accepting that it’s more elusive than that, and seems to require more patience and less attachment.. And that I can’t just worship 1 person who is “all mine” and have that be my world….bummer. Instead I talk to something I can’t see and sometimes it’s just quite and sometimes it whispers to me and sometimes I see a puppy looking at me on the street and get a message and sometimes I get shivers and tingles and know we’re connected even without words involved. Crazy, huh.
I wrote a list tonight of just why I’m having such a tough time turning my sexual life over to Higher Power. Of saying, “God/Spirit/Divine/Soul of Bob Ross, I’ve tried everything I can try to get this thing to work well and I’ve decided I need your help. Please. Thank you.” Some things I noticed:
*I wonder why would God bother with my dirty little trite sexuality? (Ouch. Habit.)
*I’m afraid if I turn it over, God won’t give me anything back because I’ve already misused it. Everyone knows if you don’t play right with a toy and you hurt the other kids with it, the toy will be taken away. Better to hide under the bed and play with the toy quietly.
*Part of me thinks God doesn’t speak the language of sex. A program fellow said to me, “You can invite your Higher Power to join you in bed any time.” Woah. That was actually quite confronting. Woah again.
*I fear if I turn over my sexuality to Higher Power, then I’ll really just be boring and bored in that area. There IS actually a nun who lives inside me. I’m scared that if I truly go the spiritual route, that she’ll be calling the shots and we’ll never have sexual play again.
*Honestly, my vanity is a large part of what tried to hold on so tightly to Cadillac. The man is gorgeous, and has so many amazing physical traits. I even like the colors he wears. What if I turn over my sexuality to HP and the princess gets a frog in return? I’m worried that spiritual always has to feel like charity.
*I’m worried that there is a lifetime quota of sexuality and I’ve used all mine up. Like it’s doled out on scratch and sniff tickets and there’s not even any smell left to my sex ticket.
*I’m worried that if I choose other people to play with who are spiritually conscious that they won’t be physically good at it. I want a man with a slow hand and the Pointer Sisters did not add, a strong internal guidance and radiance.
*Oh, and the piece de resistance is that if I admit I don’t think I will have children and the Christians are right about sex being for procreation and I turn over my sex to God, then wouldn’t it make sense for God to give me no sex since I will be giving the world no children?
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A couple of my regular tennis partners have dropped off. I forge on. If you know of anyone in San Francisco who wants to hit with a 2.5 player (that’s me), please send them my way!! beth@unconditionalserenity.com
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I hope you have the best Thanksgiving EVER. That goes for everyone. I hope you, if you have struggled with food as I have, remember that “another word for Thanksgiving is ‘Thursday’”. I hope you remember what you do have. I hope you realize how important it is that you are alive. You are carrying the absolutely perfect blueprint for who you are supposed to be, and you’ve always done that right and always will. I’m supposed to be questioning everything. Cadillac is supposed to be in another state perhaps, doing I don’t know what. HG is supposed to be spending Thanksgiving in a beautiful mystical coast location. MLeg (hi baby! good to see you tonight!) is supposed to be thinking that no thoughts can be believed as the truth. And on and on.
I’m grateful that we are connected.
I do not want to write this.
A meditation group I went to tonight offered these words in prayer: “Thank you for leading us from the unreal to the real.”
Writing this and following it in action will be from the unreal to the real, for me.
(Okay, just write it. Not aiming for perfection. Life is short and sweet. Go.)
***deep breath***
I commit to never again, if it is at all my choice, entering into close dating/romantic relationship without taking the following actions.
I’m writing it now while the heartache is fresh, because when I meet new people I tend to go back to the unreal. Every person seems like it will last forever because they are perfect for me. Every job I like I picture myself doing it when I’m 80. Big feeler, big voids that like to feel filled.
So before I even engage in dating or partnering with someone else (friends do tell me it will happen again, even though it doesn’t at all feel that way now), I will have done these things in order to keep my commitment.
(Whether I want to do them or not. Whether or not I think it is necessary. This is like pre-nup resistance. It’s ugly to acknowledge I might need it. And future self as you read this, do not forget the agony of the last week having been stripped entirely of real connection with him. Remember being alone in the sandbox and not knowing why exactly the other person went away or when or if they would come back. You owe fellow human beings nothing less than this. Yes, you can find some patience and reality to go through with this. And you’ve hurt others even worse than you’ve been hurt for far flimsier reasons, so you’re still a karmic debtor.)
(To be printed and signed by all relevant parties.)
I, Beth Crittenden, attest that I have met all the following criteria in order to move forward with dating _________________, who has also expressed interested in this dating arrangement.
1) I’ve met with a sponsor face to face and talked about it.
_____________________ (sponsor’s signature and date)
2) I’ve met with a member of the Council of 7 face to face and talked about it.
_____________________ (Council of 7 member’s signature and date)
3) I’ve taken the following actions to be getting my sensual needs met so I won’t be reliant entirely upon 1 person so there need not be a rush in that area.
(free text; possible choices are massage, OMing, spa/soak/sauna/mud bath, partner dancing or contact improv, etc.)
4) I recall and acknowledge that I almost always think the person is perfect in the beginning. I remember that for any relationship to get real and develop, I have to let that image go to move more into reality. We will get angry with each other at times. There will be times we don’t necessarily like each other. It will go up and down because we are dynamic human beings.
Here are some REAL things I acknowledge about this person I’m considering partnering with.
(free text, at least 4 things/ 2 “positive” and 2 “negative”)
5) To ensure that I’m not just lonely, here are the actions I’ve taken to connect with my community members who have known me and seen lots of sides of me.
(free text, at least 3 things from last month)
6) Here is MY PERFECT SCENARIO with this person.
(free text; get it all out, honey)
I now attest that I’m willing to let this go and let God take over. When I’ve tried to run things before, I run them into the ground. I surrender to something I won’t always understand but will always be best for me.
7) I agree that if I should decide that the relationship is not working for me and I don’t see that changing and I want to terminate the partnership, I promise to do the following:
*Sit with the person in person to have that discussion. No phone or email. That would be heinous.
*Hear what they request/need/want and get clear on what I can offer along those lines
*Take responsibility for being present to my feelings
*Be as concrete as I can with how I see the unraveling working
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Okay this is kind of tongue in cheek and kind of utopian. Oh, and reactionary. But it’s good to think about so I don’t keep bamboozling myself. Cadillac did give me bits here and there that I wasn’t his Gal For Good, so what this experience has taught me is more about how my denial works. (Bless my heart. “He’ll definitely contact me on my birthday, right?” Turned in to today, “He’ll definitely contact me the day after my birthday, right?” and fairly constantly “Close friend for most of 2009? Hello? There must be a really good reason for the 100% silence, right?”) I honestly don’t know if I’ll have the power to resist it in the future and maybe I’ll get myself back to this same place at some future time. Who knows. I wish this could be humdinger enough to have permanently rung that bell.
I went to birthday dinner with 2 wonderful (male) friends. Both former lovers, both awesome smart attractive guys, both who I tried to wrestle into The One briefly but it just became obvious that we are meant to be special friends. It’s been years now! Wow, how great is that.
Anyway, one of them was quizzing me about what I meant by I wanted to pass for normal by dating Cadillac. Feel Less and Think Less definitely seems like they woulda shoulda coulda made things simpler. My friend’s metaphor is a tool called the Feeler Gauge. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feeler_gauge) He said some feeler gauges have 1000′s of teeth and they pick up ALOT of information. Other feeler gauges have more like 100′s of teeth and they don’t pick up as much. So it’s not a case of normal or not normal, but a case of just how many spines are on our feeler gauge.
My dungeon friend, who is a very very wise healer, turned me on to a whole other angle to the situation. She said if I was that drawn to this person, he must have lots of attractive things about him. (Yes! He is wonderful! I love him! Oh, we’ve established that.) She said if that was the case for me, it’s probably the case that lots of other people feel drawn to him too, and that must make it hard for him to work his stuff out. (Oh. Right. Didn’t think of that. Just want my love to be the best and most welcome.) So I remembered the juncture when I really just could have built a friendship with him, and let the physical stuff come later or maybe even not, and now I wish I would have been more patient around that. Water under the bridge by now, but that was helpful and I do feel a little chagrined about it. I’ve been given gifts of insight that I didn’t use with him at all because I willingly let my God-dar (God Radar) be totally foggy and jammed by lust and possessiveness.
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Those of you who follow me on Twitter (@bethcrittenden) may have seen that I accepted a part-time gig today that I am thrilled about!
It’s at Matchesthatmatter.com
More to come, but there is a really beautiful flow happening there and I sense I’ll be able to equally contribute and learn there. Very excited.
I remember at OneTaste one of the residents who came through had her own business. I didn’t even really know what that meant, and I just didn’t understand how she could have no office. What? I remember being interested in that freedom and flexibility and thinking, “I could never do that”.
: ) )
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If you are of the advice-giving type, would you kindly let me know your thoughts about this first draft of my financial coaching website?
http://unconditionalfinancialserenity.wordpress.com/
(Sorry, not sure why the link function is not working on this post.)
What I’d love to hear feedback on is:
-is it clear what I’m offering?
-does it cover the relevant pain points?
-is the call to action clear for how someone would work with me?
-what else would feel more inspiring to read about?
I’ve just been having such a great time with my existing clients and getting phenomenal feedback from them. I haven’t yet transmitted that through the site so I’m asking for help with my blind spots.
Love the tape deck! Love the black halter and black nails!
I’ve had to cut myself off from listening to anymore Susan Tedeschi today. Love her too but you see I’ve made this playlist of 5 of her songs that talk about being left, lost lover blues, having fallen in love with a sturdy man that she thought would always be there, oh, and the best one for crying is about she can’t reach him because he’s wrapped in the arms of another. OW OW OW OW OW
I know it’s not entirely about me. He’s going through about one of the worst things he could be going through. If I could take that away I would. If I could re-do some of the corporate values that I imagine got him in the awful situation, I would.
A friend told me yesterday, “Beth, you got kicked in the gut. It’s okay to just feel that now. You don’t have to be totally spiritual and accepting. Have your feelings about it.”
There is a program exercise to identify:
“Why is this the best thing that has ever happened to me?”
F***** hell. Oy. Okay might as well. I wasn’t expecting this post to go there.
1) The pain had me reach out to TONS of people and reconnect and be reminded that I’m loved and appreciated.
2) I had a divinely healing experience back on the edge last night, which I will write about separately behind the Silver Curtain. (Oh, and the password issue should be fixed now. Shoot me an email if it still doesn’t work for you. beth@unconditionalserenity.com)
3) The title of this post. Oh my lord, am I feeling those back taxes of relationships that I left immediately and without feeling it at the time. I have SO much gratitude for the ones who made it through and we are still friends. I want to be that brave. E just sent me a Happy Birthday text, for example, and the way I cut him off back then was, now I know, practically unforgiveable. And he forgave me and we’re not the closest of friends but there’s love there that we get to express.
4) Last night FriendHusband was my birthday chauffeur extraordinnaire. At one point in time, the plan was to see Cadillac last night after seeing FriendHusband for an hour or 2 where I probably would have been anxiously awaiting the time I could go get face and body time with Cadillac. Instead, FriendHusband and I had some really sweet rich adventures. One of them, a small but significant one. I returned a due book to the library. I hadn’t finished it but couldn’t renew it. I took a few moments to thumb through it in the car. Oh wow, wouldn’t you know the part I hadn’t read happened to be about grieving the end of relationships. Not the linear total end, that was the interesting thing. It talked about how each phase in the relationship when you get more reality that it’s not perfect, it may not work, it’s not the be all end all, that health is grieving those at the time. Well that’s interesting and I never thought about that. It helped me understand some of the back taxes phenomenon I was talking about paying. Not only were there relationships I jumped ship from without giving them the proper respect, there have also been these losses along the way that I didn’t feel because either we were still ostensibly together, or I didn’t think I “should” feel them or something like that. It also said it’s impossible to grieve the loss of 1 while you’re moving on to another person. Yep, learned that through experience, too. Hope to be more disciplined about that this time around.
5) I’ve been willing to ask for more, for whatever reason. I guess with a cracked open heart and a psychic and emotional place that was vacated by a best friend and lover, there is more willingness on my part to maybe hear No when I ask. And to hear Yes. Example. My roommate asked me this morning if I had any special birthday requests. It culminated in her brushing my hair (one of my favorite treats), French braiding it, and leaving her fabulous essential oils collection in my room to enjoy today. Fun!
There’s more but it’s time to go for now. Thanks again everyone for reading. My critical voice tells me “You just write about yourself. You’re so self-absorbed.” But I know some of the themes are universal. OH! And part of the last night experience that I don’t want to forget is that I consider part of my life’s purpose to be giving people permission to be exactly who they are. That has always been important for me, I just didn’t have words for it until adulthood.
So I pray for today to include myself in that.
I pray that Cadillac travels safely and has a wonderful time.
I pray to engage in my re-exploration (Now behind the Bodily Spiritual Practice header; formerly called Medi) in healthy and conscious ways.
I pray that you know how special you are, and that you express your gifts.
I pray that people get free to be sane and connected and nourished.
I pray that you’ll tell at least one little truth today that you may not otherwise have dared. (Example for me. Morning with Charlie’s Angels included a conversation about my edge play that I had assumed they couldn’t handle. But they did and it was beautiful.)
I pray that you listen to your body well today. Do you need to hydrate? Do you need a hug? Do you need to rest your eyes for a few minutes?
I pray that you welcome every little part of you that wants to speak up.
I’ll leave you with this inspiration from a meditation book.
“One must not lose desires. They are mighty stimulants to creativeness, to love, and to long life.” ~Alexander Bogomoletz
My Darling,
It’s hailing, thundering, and lightning right now in San Francisco. It’s the first time in 11 years you’ve seen them all at once and just the third time of seeing any of them individually in that whole time. When people ask you if you miss the East Coast, you tell them a thing you miss a lot is watching thunderstorms from the porch. You saw a bright beautiful rainbow from your back porch this morning while you were eating a quiet breakfast.
Your relational life shifted a whole, whole lot today. Well, it had been going that direction but the deep punctuation came today. It’s kind of like that part of you that was suffering was an animal with a compound fracture and it got a mercy killing today. You send him with love and you’re doing the thing you didn’t know if you’d be able to do. And importantly, you reached out for positive healthy appropriate support when the news you didn’t want to hear came through. That’s how lasting healthy changes start….just one little action. You’re also on the receiving end of a version of the disappearing act you pulled on so many men before. Karma, my love…sometimes you put it out there and it boomerangs back to you. Oh, and don’t forget you did that to your family, too, for a while; oh yeah. Sometimes it’s the human way. Sometimes it’s the best we can do to head for the hills. You even pushed him away a lot in the beginning and you’re doing a great job of remembering that now. Bless you, Karma, for keeping nature in balance.
How perfect is it that you are on a juicy Step 2 revisitation right now? You’ve been getting so much insight from working this step lately. Some of the AA literature is now planted in your mind and you’ve been able to call on it now, specifically this passage:
“The girl we wanted to marry had other notions; we prayed God that she’d change her mind, but she didn’t. We prayed for healthy children, and were presented with sick ones, or none at all. We prayed for promotions at business, and none came. Loved ones, upon whom we heartily depended, were taken from us by so-called acts of God. Then we became drunkards, and asked God to stop that. But nothing happened. This was the unkindest cut of all. ‘Damn this faith business!’ we said.”
But you haven’t damned it this time around. You know it’s for the best. You know that you’re held and safe and protected in the Flow. You caught it that sometimes when you’re out of acceptance with something, that you’re thinking God perhaps made a mistake and you’re waiting for it to be corrected, and promptly. With restitution. Not this time around, my love. Good catch, though!
You’ve grown tremendously recently by writing on the following exercise, and then sharing it with others.
“Write what he actually said. Then write what it feels like he said.”
You have felt the listeners cringe and be kind of mortified at how your mind talks to you. You are not the weak creampuff your mind tells you that you are. You’ve coped with an abuser that happens to live between your ears and you are doing the work to turn even that over. And you know that everything inside of you wants SOMETHING to live, and that part of your work is to choose what things should be fed and get to survive and grow.
You reached a turning point of a crapton of personal work this week, actually just 2 days ago. You noticed in his absence still wanting something from him, which you rationally and evidentially knew he was not able to or willing to provide. You wrote it out to yourself, what you wanted to hear. You finally got it what other people have said about your projecting your own superego into the seeming voice of other people. WOW, what a breakthrough! (No, I’m not being sarcastic. That’s a huge deal.)
4 people you hold dearly in your heart had their positions eliminated this past week, 3 of them seemingly entirely out of the blue. F O U R. That’s a lot of loss. You knew it was “out there” but it hadn’t hit so deeply home for you until this. They are all dealing with it differently, and what a gift to be able to hear what at least 2 of them are going through around it. You remember seeing the book title when you were a little kid, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” and you couldn’t understand for years why bad things would ever happen to good people (and you somehow internalized that if something bad happened then YOU were bad….maybe you should read more than the title of that book!)
You wondered if Agent could be a good job for a Projector (from Human Design). The fabulous experience with that was completing the marketing letters for the children’s book illustrator. AS YOU WERE WALKING TO MAIL THEM, a friend you hadn’t heard from in months happened to call you. When you told the friend what you were up to in that moment, he said, “I’ve written a children’s book, and have been looking for an illustrator! Would you put us in touch?” Wow wow wow wow wow
You had a wonderful experience yesterday babysitting 3 little girls, 6, 5, and 2 years old. When you were playing the White Winged Dove of Peace Queen game with one of them, you asked her if she would share with you her magical powers and give you the ability to use them on other people. She thought about it, and then carefully said,
“No, I can’t do that. When you give your power away, then you only have half a heart. If you were able to find one of those people with 2 hearts who could give you an extra one, then I’d consider it. Otherwise, I need to keep all my heart so I have power to help other people.“
You heard a great share of someone’s early recovery and what helped them. Before she did the addictive thing that she couldn’t stop, she would take at least 1 healthy action. So even though she was acting out, she was building the muscle of taking healthy action. Nice!
You had your first directly professional writing experience this week, which felt wonderful.
You remembered and got solace from the program axiom,
“I don’t have to like it to accept it.“
Your birthday is on Monday. You are going to work your damndest to not focus on what you DON’T have and instead focus on the gratitude of what you do:
-loving friends
-spiritual practices across a wide range that you can do any time
-willingness and ability to sit with feelings
-people who read what you write on this thing (thank you thank you thank you, readers!!!!!!!! you’ve already given me my gift, to be seen!)
-physical health
-renewed love of tennis and motion
-mended relationships with family that feel wonderful
-business and clients that have come your way with ease
-interesting future business partners in a range of fields
-active volunteer position that directly impacts an issue of large significance to you
-massage trade partners
-people to be “real” with
-a home in your favorite city
-and most importantly, connection to spiritual guidance
Bless you at all ages.
You are loved, and wonderful, and you are exactly where you are supposed to be.
Reminder to future self looking back on this post. I listened to this song 20 times today and I have at least 20 more listens in me. We’re accepting happy music as acceptable obsession material these days. (“Them chickens jackin’ my style.” HA HA Ha ha hahaha)
I wrote a vision statement draft for someone today, and it totally lit me up. I called 5 friends who would get it before I found someone to listen. I cried after I read it and my face burned from all the feeling. Sometimes the hardest thing about life is accepting how dang good it can be.
Tonight on the way to play tennis I ran in to the friend I have mentioned before here who is a Buddhism teacher. He lives in the East Bay now, so it was a pleasant surprise to see him in a SF cafe. I’ve been running in to some “politeness” lately, where I show my love for people by staying out of their hair. So worst case scenario, I would have just walked by and told him about it later. I did text him that I had just walked by the cafe but didn’t want to disturb him. My story was that he was on a date with the hot woman he was sitting there laughing with, and I didn’t want him to “have” to explain how he knew me! (We were roommates at OT.) Turns out, he texted me immediately “Come back!!!” so I did. Also turns out the lady I met with him plays tennis. I got her number to play, as she lives in my area! Also turns out, I announced to them feeling great about the professional writing gig, and she is a professional writer and editor! Woah. Dude.
This may be a disconnected thought, but it’s where my mind was around that time so that’s why I’m stringing them together. I noticed that when I have a craving for sex (or at least that’s how I identify it now…maybe it will change when I put attention on it), I think about my pelvic area. And I was walking through the Castro looking at the sex shops and wondering, when gay men have a craving for sex, do they think about their anal area? If so, is that habit, or is the craving literally arising from there and that area literally needs some sort of attention. I don’t know how controversial this next statement will be for people, but it’s true so I’ll go ahead and say it. I prayed for God to touch me on the inside, and I prayed for God to help me allow God inside of my body. I guess that’s controversial for ME to say it to myself, so that’s why I’m worried what you’ll think. I’m just realizing I spent such a long time thinking it was a toxic waste dump inside of me that I wanted to protect everything and everyone from getting the toxicity on them. I know I’m not the only one, and I’m glad that I finally know I’m not the only one.
The About Face workshop I’m doing this Thursday has half guys in the class so they asked for a masculine focus. Oy. Feeling challenged by that. I don’t know how you boys work well enough to know what to say. It has been extremely powerful to recover alongside guys. Before that, I wouldn’t have guessed that guys ever worried about body image or weight.
I’m working with a new client tomorrow. A friend who I know from spiritual practice who is also a massage therapist. We spoke a couple of months ago about my helping him with finances, and I do recall sharing my “real” story with him, including OneTaste. He booked an appointment for me (that’s tomorrow) to help him with finances and organizing his office. Turns out he took the OT courses since we last spoke! I noticed my first thought was to offer to OM with him. That’s still a primary language, well past it being a primary practice for me. Interesting how that habit got in there. I think I’m used to the old days when there weren’t that many women who knew how to coach strokers. It’s changed since then, I think, and it seems like the evangelical work done by OT has increased the number of OMers, which is awesome. AND I don’t have to do it out of any internal responsibility. For whatever reason, OMing is not something I’ve turned to in the last year. Not sure why. It still makes sense to me. I love it and recommend it. I think conscious touch in all forms in powerful healing work. But the last time I practiced OMing I got 2 hours of sleep that night and it just didn’t feel quite right. I guess that’s just another example of my not having control over things I wish I did. (Item # 4 million on the list!) So, I didn’t at all mention it to him, and I don’t have to mention it tomorrow. I can just be a supportive professional friendly gal with some common interests.
I got another clue to the puzzle of why I’m so weird in person with Cadillac. It’s from a David Richo book, who I’ve been wanting to read for years, and am thrilled to have gotten around to him. Great stuff. “Some people reflect back to us our own Shadow side. We configure others to be “greater than” us, positively by awe, and negatively by dread. Actually, we are fearing the admirable or despicable qualities unintegrated in ourselves.”
Oh.
Told ya it was good.
Add to to-do list: integrate qualities! Stat!
: )
Top Ten Happiness Provokers in Beth Today
1) I got a Carmen song stuck in my mind and went I went to listen it out, I found this adorable classic.
2) Could feel a roommate’s anger. Asked her about it, stayed open, had a great sweet conversation. In the midst of a work deadline, communicating with a worker about the tub being full of dirt (they fixed it), as well as heading to a lunch meeting.
3) Thoroughly enjoyed said lunch with new neighborhood friend. She helps men “get the girl”, so I think I may have a possible solution to transitioning away from the dating client that’s not the best match for what I’m offering anymore. And she moved here from Texas and is really into spiritual things as well as entrepreneurship. Aye carumba!
4) Breathing in the sunshine after a fresh rain had passed by. Enjoyed a simple present walk.
5) Moving forward with the project to market the children’s book illustrator. Him sharing how I inspired him. Yay.
6) Another roommate, the master tenant, shared with me over breakfast that she may want to move out. I did not freak out (although I did selfishly think, “but I just bought a bed!!”). I will cross that bridge when I come to it. People say stuff all the time. It’s the action decisions that I need to take actions on. I absolutely do not need to knock myself out trying to find a place on CL just yet.
7) Yesterday I ran in to a friend on the bus, and we’ve been trying to work out a schedule for massage trades for ages. I called him with a time I could give him a massage today and he didn’t call me back. A friend and client texted me last minute to see if I would give him a massage today. I am totally in the mood for it, it will balance out the computer work I’ve been doing and smooth out my energy. Thank you thank you! Sometimes the blank of the desire gets filled in unexpected ways if I allow it to.
8) At a time this morning when I normally would have emotionally tanked when perceiving Cadillac didn’t like something, not only did my ship not sink, I stayed floating on the waves inside of me. Okay, so I caught a little bit of air on a couple of them, but no capsizing is definite progress.
9) I had a FANTASTIC conversation with a good friend today about a wild monk and the etiquette of conscious 3somes. Fascinating!
10) Still glowing from discovering that the 2 pastors for whom I’m babysitting on a regular basis are in a Presbyterian group of churches who are moving forward with ordaining gay and lesbian pastors. YAY!
