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This advice has gotten much more refined as I’ve played with it over time.
The controlling neurotic perfectionists will likely be able to relate the most to what treacherous bridges must be crossed to begin Saying Yes.
It can be all-out war inside.
I’ve enjoyed many delicious examples of Yes today. That I’m here at all is big fat Yes.
Where am I? Gesalen, FriendHusband’s woodland retreat. I got out of bed just minutes ago, and it is 2:30pm. (Okay, I peed and ate breakfast, but still.)
Why am I here? This afternoon I begin a 4-day silent retreat at Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre, CA. Gesalen is just up the road.
What did it take for me to get here?
*willingness to spend the money (but I’ve already done retreats, why do I need to do another one/ I’ll never save up enough for a house down payment if I keep this up/ but can’t I just meditate for free at home and at the Integral Center?)
*willingness to take a few days off from my business (HARD – what if clients forget me/what if clients choose someone else because I’m not around/I don’t work all THAT hard so why the heck am I taking a break from it, etc.)
*willingness to be friends with FriendHusband at all (but he’s much older than I am/but he…lots of his business I won’t dish)
*willingness to not travel East over the holiday (but family really only gets together once a year/but they’d do all the work and why am I so selfish that I keep myself away from them at a special time/you never know how much longer any of us have on Earth)
*willingness to let go my rigid control around my food choices (but what if I gain weight and then really nobody wants to make out with me/but what if I can’t “control” myself/shouldn’t I “behave” since I’m just emerging from a hard time?)
And on and on.
And you know what, I stared at the trees and the rain and listened to my second favorite sound in the world for hours today. I wouldn’t trade anything for it. FriendHusband offered to go to the store while I laid in bed for my breakfast and lunch, so there went that worry without my having to do anything but tell him what I wanted. I asked him to play with my hair which I love love love, and he did and it felt wonderful. I usually tease him about his astrological study, but I was in a good space to hear it (yeses beget yeses) and it was actually fascinating how he explained it. (My chart says I’m mainly about sex and death and uncovering the unseen things in life. AND I’ll have tender feelings about the whole thing. Woah! That works!)
I said Yes yesterday when FriendHusband and Yam encouraged me to do the whole 9 yards of the retreat, which means 5am-10pm each day. I have this thing that I only want to say Yes when I can 100% guarantee I will do it. But that’s not really a dynamic approach. I meant it then. And then when I thought it through today, I realized my motivations for doing the retreat that way would be in pleasing and proving. Been there, done that, got the suffering T-shirt. So today I’m a Yes to NOT doing it from 5am-10pm each day, because I’ve learned about myself and my constitution that it wouldn’t work well for my health, really in any way. Could I force myself? I think so. Do I want to? Kind of, because I don’t want to get teased. Am I going to? No I’m not. There is a broader picture to consider, and I pray for guidance in continuing to consider it every day.
So I’m curious today, to what have you said Yes to? To what would you like to say Yes to, and what might be in the way? What’s the “long tail” as they say for what your specific yeses may lead to?
Happy Yes’ing
Upon meeting the four year-old boy I’d be sitting for this evening, he says to me,
“ARE YOU A TEENAGER?”
Ha! How droll. No, dear boy. How refreshing for you to be at an age where you can ask a woman about her age as the first question. (Don’t get used to it, kid.)
“WELL, ARE YOU A MOM?”
Okay, that one put slightly more ice in my veins. A direct hit! Fine work, young captain!
Nope, not a mom.
“WELL THEN WHAT ARE YOU?”
I had just left a good friend a message on my way to sit with these little ones that I’ve been thinking a lot about the role of women “of age” who are unnmarried and without kids. How fascinating to have that reflected back immediately.
You of course have not forgotten that it’s my birthday on November 22.
I’ll be 35. Mid-30′s. Next major milestone, 40 (God willing).
Whenever I’ve leaned in to my spiritual wisdom about the will-I-or-won’t-I have kids question, the answer has truly always been an unequivocal,
Hmm. Remains to be seen. Check back later.
I tried on the Definite No for a while just to see if I could get a sense of clarifying closure.
I tried on the Definite Yes for a while just to, well, same thing as before.
You know the saying I quoted earlier? Well, if you missed it, I’ll refresh you.
“This being the case, how shall I proceed?”
These seem to be the case now: I run out of energy quickly. I get frazzled and melt down. I absolutely adore most every kid I’ve ever met. I love to play. I have character defects out the ying yang, and that’s after years of deliberate intentful addressing of removing them. I’m selfish and self-centered. I’m creative. I’m in love with someone who is patiently fond of me, yet who also told me openly he hasn’t really told more than a handful of people about me. I’m cagey about trusting. I have a fiercely generous nurturing side.
So what wins in this jumble in order to know best how I shall proceed?
Recently I heard a great speaker define his version of spirituality. I’ll paraphrase. If I step off the side of a 20-story building, I can pray all I want on the way down but I’m still going to die. If I pray before I jump over the edge for guidance, then something has a chance to help me not jump off the ledge. I don’t have to know how that thing works, I just won’t be dead like I would be in the first scenario.
Okay he said it much more eloquently but it applies to this situation. I can pray and pray and pray and THIS BEING THE CASE is that my body is going through a natural aging process and after a certain point I will no longer be able to, I say this lovingly, breed.
**oh wow. I just looked over in the midst of writing – I’m at the home computer where I’m babysitting and being neither a teenager nor a mom so what am I – and the same pillow my therapist has in her office is sitting next to this computer. I hold onto that pillow for dear life every other week. okay that’s just beautiful enough to get me out of my head about this.**
I’m grateful that a James Brown song is playing at a house nearby and I can hear it but it’s not disturbing the kids.
I’m grateful that I watched a fun movie (Spiderwick) and listened to sweet nighttime music with the kids as they fell asleep tonight.
I’m grateful that I have on my client plate for next week ALL tasks that I want to do and am excited about.
I’m grateful that I’m developing deeper friendships from choice.
I’m grateful that every day I learn more about healthy boundaries.
I’m grateful that while it does seem I’ll be moving in the coming months, the 3 Charlie’s Angels are intending to stick together and move together.
I’m grateful that you’re reading this.
I’m grateful that my body today is healthy and that I’ve learned to love her after years of war.
I’m grateful for kids and adults and everything in between, around, and outside of that range.
From the Welcomed Consensus’ newsletter:
“What DO women really want?
A woman’s pleasures and desires are always changing, day to day and moment to moment. Noticing your partner and having clear communication, both in and out of the bedroom, are fundamental elements for a fun and thriving relationship.
When there is a lack of communication between partners, many questions remain unanswered, creating mystery and detracting from the fun and pleasure you could be having together.”
Hmm.
Also, I felt a bit guilty after writing yesterday how much I Don’t Know I’m sitting in. During the course of today I realized, of course I don’t know a lot! It is not just about me or what I want or what I think I know or anything that is just me. Okay kid, so back off of that tack will ya.
I developed a helpful image today with the critizing voice in my mind. ME in the relationship transition away from Cadillac as primary is fine. I’m surrendered, I’m connected, I’m perceiving Enough, I know the best thing is what is actually happening, I’m glad there’s love and positivity there in any form. I identified these insulting things being hurled at me inside of my mind. “You’re just going to end up alone and dried up. You have no clue how to have a lasting relationship. You’re too ugly for him. You had your chance and your blew it.” I’m in a good enough place mentally and emotionally to have established some distance and separation from those hurled insults….and in my mind, I started playing catch with that inner critic! My wise self was the catcher with the mitt and my wise self’s job was to just make sure the “balls” didn’t hit me in the face or the body so they can’t hurt me. I’d feel the sting a little bit as they were coming at me, but it was through the mitt and I was properly crouched and expecting it. That was neat, and did make a difference.
It also helped me with an important business decision. I got a request from someone visiting from out of state to do an appointment on either Tu We or Th or this week. I know I’m already very booked for those days (as well as all day Friday), and I had still offered Thursday night at 8pm. The critic: “You can’t say no. You were trained to deliver this information and who are you to need such a sissy amount of rest? Your business is just going to dry up again and you’ll be sorry you said no to him.” Pitch. Catch. Throw it back. Pitch. Catch. Throw it back. I was able to tell the person, actually, I overcommitted and could we do Skype or phone another day? Whew.
I walked on a pretty trail in the woods today with my Dad, along a Civil War battlefield site. It was actually really heavenly. Clear blue sky, friendly smiling people passing us on the trail, and great conversation with him about relationships and family goings-on. This has been a blessed trip, for many reasons. One of the things Dad asked me, when we were talking about the Cadillac transition, was, “Do you just keep thinking that someone better will come along?” At first I felt guilty, and assumed he was indicting me about playing Goldilocks and never finding the right temperature to just sit down and eat a meal (by choosing a person, like he did). Then I realized, maybe he was actually referring to the anxiety I talked about feeling in my relationships, and never quite feeling secure that I was on solid ground with the person. Those 2 questions could both have the same words that he said, but have very very different meanings. Better person for me, or a better person for them? I suppose on some level it doesn’t matter, but in other ways I’d like to get to the point where I don’t assume that peoples’ questions are veiled methods of saying some version of, “YOU’RE WRONG, BETH.”
I dedicate that one to the path so far.
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Okay, so got clear today with FriendHusband that I need a more solid stable income base before I spend time on any “maybe” opportunities, such as part-time sales with his company (whose revenue generation takes quite a long while to be realized).
Also, Cadillac helped clear some of the cotton from my eyes last night around what I’m needing to make happen.
However, he also mentioned the possibility of my taking a job elsewhere.
That cut like a little knife when I heard it! Part of me thought, “How handy! You could really get rid of me then!” And it seemed totally obvious to him, and not anything personally offensive intended.
FriendHusband offered a helpful potential translation in our conversation today.
He said there’s a corporate mentality, where you go where the job is or where it sends you.
And there’s another mentality, the most lifestyle-based mentality, where you choose where you want to live (which I have) and then make it happen to be able to live there.
I don’t see the life outside of work that I’ve created here as anything that I could or would leave lightly. Definitely not just to make money.
More will be revealed.
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Aww, I sent the Glee song to a few family members by email and got this back from my uncle:
“You are my niece….who is the beautiful flower of many different colors and textures…that is why you are so special to me.”
‘Scuse me, I’m going to cry now as I send out a few more resumes.
I’ve got a date with Beth tonight.
I thought she wanted to go dancing in Oakland, but she changed her mind because of it being so far away. Then I thought we were going to Lindy in the Square, but she just really wanted to take it easy and be quiet and be at home tonight, so I’m a yes to that. A woman needs what a woman needs.
She’s got a big busy day tomorrow – first to meet FriendHusband in San Rafael to discuss a possible sales role in his company, second delivering an About-Face presentation at Lowell High to 20 kids (18 female 2 male). That’s a lot of ground to cover all on public transit!
I know we’re going to work on her altar space tonight. It’s gathered some cobwebs. I know she also wants to practice some EFT and do some step writing. She also got the wise reminders lately to spend time touching her feminine parts, to connect to that and accept it and just be there. I know sometimes she runs away from wanting to feel soft, so I hope I can help her relax.
She has a level of discontent that I don’t necessarily understand. I know she’s loved, that it’s all going to be fine, that something will work out career-wise. She just gets so down and fearful and it’s hard to reach her when she goes there.
Her nutritionist told her today that lack of healthy fats in her diet may have contributed to depression and/or anxiety. Beth had the disturbing realization that perhaps her restricting food was to try and compensate for a family that eats a whole lot of food and gets diseases from it. I think it threw her that what she thought she was doing right and well (limiting food intake) was actually seriously harming her.
So I’ll take it nice and slow with her tonight. I can feel her fear without buying into it as the Truth. I’ll hydrate her and hold her.
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Not sure exactly where this fact came from but Dan Miller of the 48 Days podcast said that in June of this year more people voluntarily quit their jobs than were fired or laid off.
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http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128721757
Hi!
I listened to that rock-the-bluebells concert tonight (link above, in case you don’t see it now) on the way home. The scene: 80-degree-ish weather in SF, looks like a full moon, bare feet, calm mind. Nice night, glad to share it with you.
I’m inclined to think I don’t have anything to tell you.
- Yet, I made total peace with my parents this weekend while I was in the Landmark Forum.
- I’m letting go of monkhood and will be getting a real bed again. (Have been sleeping on thick foam. Seemed like a wise idea at the time in case I needed to move suddenly. Then somehow I keep creating that I need to move suddenly!)
- Cadillac and I are going to Hawaii. I’ve been thinking that would be a nice ‘someday’ idea for a while. And we’re going. In September.
Enter head noise: ButIcan’tafforditbutwhatwillIeattherebutit’ssowarminSanFranciscowhygointhenicesttimeofyearbutwhatifhejustgolfsthewholetime
ButIneedtowaituntilbusinesspicksupbutwhataboutTempelsbirthdaypartybutwhatifIhaveabadtimeagainbutI’vebeentherealreadyyaddayaddayadda
Yeh. Book it. Carpe aloha-em.
- I’m going back to Virginia in October to visit for Dad’s birthday and avoid-travel-on-major-holidays purposes. I was so nervous to tell my mom that I’d be paying for my Hawaii trip, yet had asked her to pay for my trip to visit them. The first scenario I imagined was to just literally dodge the whole issue, not tell her I was even going to Hawaii, and I was already calculating the time difference in my mind so I could successfully fake still being n SF when I called her for our usual weekend chat.
The exhaustion of being tricky.
I sent her an email and told her flat out. I was kind and straight and offered her the opportunity to decline paying for the VA trip now that she had this new information. Her response:
“I love and respect your honesty so much!!! I’m so excited for you to have the trip to Hawaii and of course we will sponsor your trip here.”
OMG, reality really truly rocks.
I hope you told someone today the real straight truth.
I could get used to this.
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I’m gathering info and trying out this nifty little polling mechanism at the same time. Would you pretty please pick the best answer for you, or I think you should also be able to add items. I’m focusing on what I offer in terms of basic financial education and support, so the realm is truly for the money that is actually coming in and going out.
Thanks for taking the time to respond!
