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I do not want to write this.
A meditation group I went to tonight offered these words in prayer: “Thank you for leading us from the unreal to the real.”
Writing this and following it in action will be from the unreal to the real, for me.
(Okay, just write it. Not aiming for perfection. Life is short and sweet. Go.)
***deep breath***
I commit to never again, if it is at all my choice, entering into close dating/romantic relationship without taking the following actions.
I’m writing it now while the heartache is fresh, because when I meet new people I tend to go back to the unreal. Every person seems like it will last forever because they are perfect for me. Every job I like I picture myself doing it when I’m 80. Big feeler, big voids that like to feel filled.
So before I even engage in dating or partnering with someone else (friends do tell me it will happen again, even though it doesn’t at all feel that way now), I will have done these things in order to keep my commitment.
(Whether I want to do them or not. Whether or not I think it is necessary. This is like pre-nup resistance. It’s ugly to acknowledge I might need it. And future self as you read this, do not forget the agony of the last week having been stripped entirely of real connection with him. Remember being alone in the sandbox and not knowing why exactly the other person went away or when or if they would come back. You owe fellow human beings nothing less than this. Yes, you can find some patience and reality to go through with this. And you’ve hurt others even worse than you’ve been hurt for far flimsier reasons, so you’re still a karmic debtor.)
(To be printed and signed by all relevant parties.)
I, Beth Crittenden, attest that I have met all the following criteria in order to move forward with dating _________________, who has also expressed interested in this dating arrangement.
1) I’ve met with a sponsor face to face and talked about it.
_____________________ (sponsor’s signature and date)
2) I’ve met with a member of the Council of 7 face to face and talked about it.
_____________________ (Council of 7 member’s signature and date)
3) I’ve taken the following actions to be getting my sensual needs met so I won’t be reliant entirely upon 1 person so there need not be a rush in that area.
(free text; possible choices are massage, OMing, spa/soak/sauna/mud bath, partner dancing or contact improv, etc.)
4) I recall and acknowledge that I almost always think the person is perfect in the beginning. I remember that for any relationship to get real and develop, I have to let that image go to move more into reality. We will get angry with each other at times. There will be times we don’t necessarily like each other. It will go up and down because we are dynamic human beings.
Here are some REAL things I acknowledge about this person I’m considering partnering with.
(free text, at least 4 things/ 2 “positive” and 2 “negative”)
5) To ensure that I’m not just lonely, here are the actions I’ve taken to connect with my community members who have known me and seen lots of sides of me.
(free text, at least 3 things from last month)
6) Here is MY PERFECT SCENARIO with this person.
(free text; get it all out, honey)
I now attest that I’m willing to let this go and let God take over. When I’ve tried to run things before, I run them into the ground. I surrender to something I won’t always understand but will always be best for me.
7) I agree that if I should decide that the relationship is not working for me and I don’t see that changing and I want to terminate the partnership, I promise to do the following:
*Sit with the person in person to have that discussion. No phone or email. That would be heinous.
*Hear what they request/need/want and get clear on what I can offer along those lines
*Take responsibility for being present to my feelings
*Be as concrete as I can with how I see the unraveling working
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Okay this is kind of tongue in cheek and kind of utopian. Oh, and reactionary. But it’s good to think about so I don’t keep bamboozling myself. Cadillac did give me bits here and there that I wasn’t his Gal For Good, so what this experience has taught me is more about how my denial works. (Bless my heart. “He’ll definitely contact me on my birthday, right?” Turned in to today, “He’ll definitely contact me the day after my birthday, right?” and fairly constantly “Close friend for most of 2009? Hello? There must be a really good reason for the 100% silence, right?”) I honestly don’t know if I’ll have the power to resist it in the future and maybe I’ll get myself back to this same place at some future time. Who knows. I wish this could be humdinger enough to have permanently rung that bell.
I went to birthday dinner with 2 wonderful (male) friends. Both former lovers, both awesome smart attractive guys, both who I tried to wrestle into The One briefly but it just became obvious that we are meant to be special friends. It’s been years now! Wow, how great is that.
Anyway, one of them was quizzing me about what I meant by I wanted to pass for normal by dating Cadillac. Feel Less and Think Less definitely seems like they woulda shoulda coulda made things simpler. My friend’s metaphor is a tool called the Feeler Gauge. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feeler_gauge) He said some feeler gauges have 1000′s of teeth and they pick up ALOT of information. Other feeler gauges have more like 100′s of teeth and they don’t pick up as much. So it’s not a case of normal or not normal, but a case of just how many spines are on our feeler gauge.
My dungeon friend, who is a very very wise healer, turned me on to a whole other angle to the situation. She said if I was that drawn to this person, he must have lots of attractive things about him. (Yes! He is wonderful! I love him! Oh, we’ve established that.) She said if that was the case for me, it’s probably the case that lots of other people feel drawn to him too, and that must make it hard for him to work his stuff out. (Oh. Right. Didn’t think of that. Just want my love to be the best and most welcome.) So I remembered the juncture when I really just could have built a friendship with him, and let the physical stuff come later or maybe even not, and now I wish I would have been more patient around that. Water under the bridge by now, but that was helpful and I do feel a little chagrined about it. I’ve been given gifts of insight that I didn’t use with him at all because I willingly let my God-dar (God Radar) be totally foggy and jammed by lust and possessiveness.
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Those of you who follow me on Twitter (@bethcrittenden) may have seen that I accepted a part-time gig today that I am thrilled about!
It’s at Matchesthatmatter.com
More to come, but there is a really beautiful flow happening there and I sense I’ll be able to equally contribute and learn there. Very excited.
I remember at OneTaste one of the residents who came through had her own business. I didn’t even really know what that meant, and I just didn’t understand how she could have no office. What? I remember being interested in that freedom and flexibility and thinking, “I could never do that”.
: ) )
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If you are of the advice-giving type, would you kindly let me know your thoughts about this first draft of my financial coaching website?
http://unconditionalfinancialserenity.wordpress.com/
(Sorry, not sure why the link function is not working on this post.)
What I’d love to hear feedback on is:
-is it clear what I’m offering?
-does it cover the relevant pain points?
-is the call to action clear for how someone would work with me?
-what else would feel more inspiring to read about?
I’ve just been having such a great time with my existing clients and getting phenomenal feedback from them. I haven’t yet transmitted that through the site so I’m asking for help with my blind spots.
Top Ten Happiness Provokers in Beth Today
1) I got a Carmen song stuck in my mind and went I went to listen it out, I found this adorable classic.
2) Could feel a roommate’s anger. Asked her about it, stayed open, had a great sweet conversation. In the midst of a work deadline, communicating with a worker about the tub being full of dirt (they fixed it), as well as heading to a lunch meeting.
3) Thoroughly enjoyed said lunch with new neighborhood friend. She helps men “get the girl”, so I think I may have a possible solution to transitioning away from the dating client that’s not the best match for what I’m offering anymore. And she moved here from Texas and is really into spiritual things as well as entrepreneurship. Aye carumba!
4) Breathing in the sunshine after a fresh rain had passed by. Enjoyed a simple present walk.
5) Moving forward with the project to market the children’s book illustrator. Him sharing how I inspired him. Yay.
6) Another roommate, the master tenant, shared with me over breakfast that she may want to move out. I did not freak out (although I did selfishly think, “but I just bought a bed!!”). I will cross that bridge when I come to it. People say stuff all the time. It’s the action decisions that I need to take actions on. I absolutely do not need to knock myself out trying to find a place on CL just yet.
7) Yesterday I ran in to a friend on the bus, and we’ve been trying to work out a schedule for massage trades for ages. I called him with a time I could give him a massage today and he didn’t call me back. A friend and client texted me last minute to see if I would give him a massage today. I am totally in the mood for it, it will balance out the computer work I’ve been doing and smooth out my energy. Thank you thank you! Sometimes the blank of the desire gets filled in unexpected ways if I allow it to.
8) At a time this morning when I normally would have emotionally tanked when perceiving Cadillac didn’t like something, not only did my ship not sink, I stayed floating on the waves inside of me. Okay, so I caught a little bit of air on a couple of them, but no capsizing is definite progress.
9) I had a FANTASTIC conversation with a good friend today about a wild monk and the etiquette of conscious 3somes. Fascinating!
10) Still glowing from discovering that the 2 pastors for whom I’m babysitting on a regular basis are in a Presbyterian group of churches who are moving forward with ordaining gay and lesbian pastors. YAY!
