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I bathed. (I smell like ylang ylang now.)
I read. (Still Committed.)
I ate a yum dinner.
I pet (petted?) a sweet black dawg.
I have my nature/relaxation/spiritual connection plan all lined up for tomorrow.
I allowed myself some frivolous time to watch Natalie Portman on YouTube after watching Black Swan last night. (OMG, I didn’t watch the other nominees’ films, but she TOTALLY earned that Oscar!)
I did writing and got even clearer that my current craving for partnership is muchly based in illusion and false hopes that it will decrease my discomfort in general.
I came to grips that my experimentally short haircut is possibly not something to blame my current lack of a partner on; if I had a hair-dependent partner, then what would happen if I got cancer, or got attacked by a crazy hairdresser in a case of mistaken identity? (People do often think they have met me before.)
Mused on this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZzEk09W0lk , which I was reminded of by Gilbert on page 98:
(from Aristohanes): “Once upon a time …we humans had two heads and four legs and four arms-a perfect melding, in other words, of two people joined together seamlessly in one being….Since we each had the perfect partner sewn into the very fabric of our being, we were all happy… We lacked for nothing; we had no unmet needs; we wanted nobody…We were whole.
But in our wholeness, we became overly proud….The mighty Zeus punished us for our neglect by cutting all the double-headed, eight-limbed, perfectly contented humans in half. thereby creating a world of cruelly severed one-headed two-armed, two-legged miserable creatures. In this moment of mass amputation, Zeus inflicted on mankind that most painful of human conditions: the dull and constant sense that we are not quite whole.”
THANK YOU
THAT IS HOW I FEEL
I’ve tried to affirm it away. “I am whole and complete without a partner.”
But that doesn’t feel true, honestly it just doesn’t! (Now I can see that it more likely than not would still feel untrue, even if I had a partner. But you get my drift.)
Gilbert continues: “For the rest of time, humans would be born sensing that there was some missing part-a lost half, which we love almost more than we love ourselves-and that this missing part was out there sompleace, spinning through the universe in the form of another person.”
YES. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I’VE THOUGHT AND FELT!
Today I started making the painful list of what I think would increase and decrease if I found that great partner I seem to be craving. I get the sense that making the whole list and taking it in will be similar to listening to a fourth grader try to describe a very complicated math theorem. (There, there, dear. 1 part admiration for such audacity, next to 5 parts pity for their thinking they know what they really do not know.) (But you can’t just say that outright because it might hurt their little feelings.)
So I’m clear tonight – yes, I’m somewhat craving. Yet it’s not an unconscious craving, and I don’t have any desire to hurt myself. I am indeed physically feeling desire. But I also do want connection with it – talking, holding; at least upper-middle quality, even if the highest isn’t available on short notice!
(This is opposed to recently when for about 30 seconds I thought I was craving sex with HL; being very present with that and having some good program in me lately, then I realized I was just craving the inevitable “after”….the letdown when the balloon deflates and it feels sooooo familiar. It’s like the sick comfort of going back to the hospital where you had that surgery a few years ago. Yes, you were in pain, but the people kind of took care of you, and meals were regularly timed.)
One of my roommates asked me recently, “Don’t you fall in love when people stroke you?” after I explained more about OMing since I have been doing that more often lately.
I said no. I still feel defensive of the practice and want, in my own codependent way, no one to have a single hesitation or negative thought about it.
But, actually, I think I do fall in love when I’m stroked-in a version of love. And I attribute this craving tonight to that. And if I were of the total abstinence mindset, I would assume it’s best to just not go there. Stop OMing and you won’t have that feeling of falling in love with people.
On nights like this, though, I do not want to do that to my plan, to just abstain. To shove my desire in the category of, “wait until you have at least a moderately acceptable sexual partner, then throw all of it at them like it’s going out of style and hope they survive!”.
A record of how I have gone for it tonight so far. With the intent to connect, and to feel, and to express this flow coming from deep inside of me:
5:35pm, texted HL to see if he would stroke me tonight
After some back and forth, he called it a night and I didn’t see him at all.
7:38am, called an ex who I recently reconnected with. The last time we met and OMed was SO clean and nurturing that I felt very free to call him. (A nice feeling to get to for 2 people who sometimes got to the edge of homicide with each other.) He’s also in for the night. We set up a stroking date for another night, which is pleasing!
7:43pm after hanging up with him, I called a sweet friend who still lives at OneTaste. He’s on the clock and not available tonight. OK. Bummer. It’s tough to keep going for it, but the sensations that are flowing through me make it tougher to not.
7:49pm called someone with whom I haven’t yet OMed but we’ve been trying to set something up. Left message.
7:51pm called former OneTaste roommate who is an excellent no-strings-attached cuddler and appreciator. Left message.
7:53pm called recent traveling partner. Left message.
So it’s seeming like tonight I’m meant to be warm and cozy in my nest listening to the cold rain outside. I’m glad that’s ok. I’m glad I have plenty to focus on. I’m glad I have solo practices and willingness to be intimate with myself. I’m glad I’m out of my feminist phase, of the flavor that I CAN DO IT ON MY OWN, and I’d beat my desire up like she had really messed up this time (again; as if it was a surprise to feel her again). I’m glad I don’t have to go trolling around trying to scratch an itch and feel tired, cold AND deflated. I’m glad for the saying, “this, too, shall pass”. I’m glad that I’ve traveled from a) people who want death are selfish, stupid creatures, to b) it would be a relief to die right now, to c) on my gosh, I feel so much better, I want to live as long as possible!!, to, d) It is what it is, and as far as I can tell it is all good.
Okay, Girlfriend, you got me again.
I am no match for you.
You killed off another one of my 9 kitty lives.
For those of you who haven’t met Girlfriend, here’s her MO:
*I saw long ago that loving him wouldn’t be enough on its own. She doesn’t care about that; she just pushes harder and tries to do ‘better’.
*She sees it as failure that we’re not able to be more like him. Then it seems like that’s what he asked for somewhere along the line, even though his words never matched that.
*If he responds ‘too quickly’ to a text or email, then she thinks he’s callous and didn’t care enough to put a good amount of thought into the reply. If he responds ‘too slowly’, then she thinks it’s evidence that he really doesn’t care after all, and that everything else in that time is insultingly higher priority than us.
*She keeps a database of some of his expressed dislikes, a TON of his dislikes that she has interpreted between the lines, and is ever vigilant to only invoke him experiencing them when she perceives it’s needed for attention or reinforcement. <<A great saying I heard in a meeting recently: “Just read the black parts.” Meaning, don’t try to read the white space between the lines.>>
*She does want to go out of control. And she hates him that we feel out of control about and around him.
*She wants credit for being loving and approving on the inside, and gets impatient when there’s the need to translate that into demonstrated action. She takes that as a sign that he’s saying we’re not enough for him and not doing it right. (Not Doing It Right and Losing are her cardinal sins.)
*She longs for his desire and approval like it’s life-saving medication. If she’s not getting it, she will go to any length to extort it.
*If the whole world isn’t 100% clear about his devotion to and care for us, she thinks he’s failing and mean.
*When she “loves” him, anyone else could see it closely resembles attempted possession and manipulation. She thinks they’re dumb and uninspired, and tries harder to “love”.
*She refuses to take her attention off of him for an instant. No matter if he is physically present or not. She fears that putting her attention on anything else will increase the likelihood of him disappearing and/or losing interest. Tabs must be kept to continue the game. The ante for this game is constant attention. Then he starts to seem high maintenance and demanding through reflection of what Girlfriend thinks.
*She hates anyone for having a need that might make the other uncomfortable. If she could take away all the needs in the world, she would. Don’t even get me started on her stance on desire.
*When he asks a question, she hears veiled judgment and implied directives.
If it were possible to have personality cancer, I think this aspect of my being would qualify.
When I was in the 8th grade, a tough little girl didn’t like a sarcastic remark I made in the locker room. She walked behind where I was sitting, put her hands around my neck, and kept squeezing. And kept squeezing. Her hands were strong, sharp, and her focus on choking me was impeccable.
Girlfriend does that to me.
And then those brave enough to play here get the collateral damage.
Girlfriend has really taken me down again lately. Back to depression, the worst in a while. She likes NOTHING about me. I think she intends to be supportive of my happiness, but it’s highly conditional and she doesn’t feel inclined to ensure that I’m happy in the process of interacting with her.
She threatens my survival in that she yells in my ear when I’m trying to get clear about how I’ll earn more income, how I’ll present myself career-wise. She truly doesn’t give a rat’s butt about anything but trying to keep Him. Emphasis on Keep. She’s a killer. She sees it as victory if she kills her prey….hey, she kept him, right?
I was fortunate enough today to spend time in the company of 2 beautiful generous women. They helped remind me of my inherent value as a woman, regardless of what poison Girlfriend has been leaking in my ear.
They held me. They helped move my energy from my dry overworked head, down into my beautiful empty body. I cuddled with one of them and cried on her chest for almost an hour.
Girlfriend goes through life expecting to be dumped, rejected, left behind, taken for granted, underestimated, used and abused. She expects this before she even meets you.
One of my healing angels from today has 2 cute little dogs. As you know, I love ‘dem puppies. The reminder today was exquisite. She said, “Isn’t it great how they go through life just EXPECTING to be loved? Everyone they approach, they’re ready to love them and be loved.”
Play with this if you like.
A viral movement.
Label yourself with a Treat Me Like A Dog sticker, button, Facebook post, etc.
Why?
2 of my most loving encounters this weekend were with dawgs. I pet them and loved them and laughed with them. It was delightful. Their owners looked like they were feeling left out.
So I say, Treat Me Like A Dog. Your assertion of that will let people know they can be extra friendly and rubby to you. The movement of friendliness and connection could use some momentum and sense of humor to spread like the wildfire it deserves.
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I think part of my life purpose is to work with couples. I started the financial counseling/training/assisting with a new couple today. They’ve been together for 10 years. They are wildly lovely. And like anyone who has been together that long, there are some sore points and things that have gone unexpressed. I enjoyed translating their desires and preferences and joining them with the concrete numbers. We spent about 2 hours and got through a TON of history and they left the session with a September spending plan. It is so good to just start *somewhere*. Just start.
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I asked the guy part of the client couple for a “manslation” (a term coined by FriendWife). Cadillac and I went bathing suit shopping yesterday for me. In the evening, we hot tubbed (yay hot water and new friends). He snapped an iPhone photo of me in the new suit before we hit the tub and emailed it to me on his way out this morning with no words. My eating disordered brain told me he sent it to me to get me the message that I’d better lose some weight or else. ED brain added I’ll make him look bad on the beach in Hawaii, just for some extra credit pain. (Yes, ED got that interpretation from no words of Cadillac’s.) So I asked new client for the manslation of receiving the photo. He said guys aren’t like that. He said if that’s really what Cadillac thought, then he probably would have made a blunter comment than sending a picture with no remarks. He said Cadillac probably liked how I looked and enjoyed sending it to me. Oh. I hadn’t considered that possibility. Part of how I worked with that pinch in my mind this morning was summoning a strong large Polynesian woman to hold me in my mind. To welcome me to the island, and to let myself enjoy it regardless of how I think I look. Hitting a meeting this morning was crazy helpful. I see this disease killing women of all ages….taking our voice and our confidence and any sense of value about ourselves that we “should” have. Grrr.
Okay, as I was searching for images of a polynesian woman, Google images included more photos of Marlon Brando than I can comprehend. Life is a mystery, my friends.
This woman does not expect me to have toothpick arms.
Here is what went right on the Style mission last night. IMHO.
1) We took a few minutes to connect in person before we went in.
2) I was feeling a little sick and a little weak and so my resistance was lower than usual.
3) He wore some of his colors that I associate with him and as soon as I saw them in my peripheral vision I felt comforted.
4) I had given a couple of close friends the heads up about the adventure, knew they were rooting for us, and I could also call them afterwards and cry if I needed to. (Which I didn’t at all, but still nice just in case!)
5) I surrendered to him as driver and me as passenger.
6) I read this passage in a book the day before and realized what I had been doing with him, and that I was 100% prepared to quit doing that.
“There’s a danger with challenges. Some of us might get so used to needing something to push up against and an occasion to rise to that we begin creating drama-addict challenges, the kind that sabotage our relationships, work, and lives.” (Melody Beattie, 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact)
7) I wanted to jump him the whole time. Turn-on can be a fabulous painkiller!
8) I realized just over the weekend that Hi-5 reminds me of my very first crush, Han Solo. Once I got in touch with that, many things fell into place inside of me. As I was searching for some visual evidence for you, I happened upon this fabulous video. Han’s head will appear in the sky for a moment, but you should also watch the whole thing because it is genius.
9) I heard back from the professional style consultant after we talked for a while and he sent me his basic proposal. $ 2 , 0 0 0 After that sticker shock, girlfriend was just glad someone was willing to take her on the ride and not charge that much!!
10) He held my clothes. The ones I wanted to try on. The ones I had decided on. My backpack when I was in the fitting room. How tender and considerate is that?! Awww.
11) The look in his eyes when I walked out in the pink shirt and gray skirt. Yeh.
12) He hugged me extra long when we said hello. I love that.
Okay, there’s more good but duty calls.
To celebrate a very fun night, I’m going to boldly post a photograph of me in some of the goods. Enjoy!
And, thanks, honeyo. : )
What can I say, I’m on a roll with animals and love. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXo3NFqkaRM
If anyone knows anything about the Noe Valley Merchants’ Association, hit me up. I’d like to get to know my ‘hood and share my professional goodness with them.
I’m experimenting with a new answer to ‘what do you do?’. Still a work in progress, but you heard it here first.
“I help spiritually-motivated people get more clean in some area of their lives. I blend the personal with the practical, and people often feel relief, pride, satisfaction, and joy as a result of our work together.”
Apart from that, can I just say that I feel honored that someone found my humble blog by searching for “tennis player porn”. Cheerio!
Awwww yehhhh this is my little affirmation diva. Thanks to my fabu roommate for sending her along!
After watching this video last night, this is exactly how I started my day. I like (this) and I like (that) and I like (this) and I like (that)!
And I love it when she claps in the mirror.
Am headed to meet with an old friend and watch dawgs play. I hope that you get your own equivalent activity today of watching dawgs play. May you bask in delight, look at the world through refreshed eyes, dance in front of a mirror, and feel vulnerable at least one moment today.
To keep myself honest, I’ll tell you that I have a conversation to pursue that I do not want to pursue. Or, in more empowered language, I fear the potential process and the estimated results. It is not a question, though, of if it will be worth it to bring it into reality. Stay tuned.
And remind me to tell you about being welcome in the world……
