You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘choice’ tag.
2 newspapers were on the BART seat next to me on the way home today. I scanned them to see whazzup.
Front page of one. A woman in Antioch was dragged 50 feet by a truck, to her death, by someone with whom she had just been in an altercation. Witnesses saw her get out of the truck, the driver backed up, and then mowed her down pointblank and didn’t stop. At all.
A few pages in. A murder case. This time, the murdered woman’s picture was shown.
Next newspaper. An article about how fascinated South African society is by the murder case of the Swedish woman who had just gotten married and her new husband is believed to have taken out a hit on her.
Other front page. A step down in gruesome (depending on your point of view, I suppose) was the Wikileak guy’s rape case story. That one seems fishy and probably fabricated in some ways to me, but who knows, maybe he takes risks in lots of areas of his life. Regardless, a rape story.
I didn’t see any stories of men who were murdered or sexually assaulted. Not that I want to see that about anyone, but that’s where my curiosity went.
I did a quick Google search to see if I could find the number of male murders versus female murders for 2009. I didn’t easily find that.
I did find this, which is kind of its own fascinating topic for another day. http://www.friscovista.com/news/maps/san-francisco-murders/
(Morbidly funny aside: I’m listening to The Pretenders, and Thin Line Between Love and Hate just came on. I’ll dedicate that one to the truck-driving monkey butt.)
Who knows how much reality the “journalism” I read today actually represents. Regardless, it made an impact on me, I’m sharing that impact with you and I’d like to take a somewhat corrective, or at least balancing, action.
My action is to say that in my daily life I get to support and study with 2 female entrepreneurs of color. Women who have created amazing communities around themselves, and generously share what they’ve learned. Each of them has had a few articles written about them, but for the most part they appear in specialty publications.
I get to say that I work with women on a daily basis who are painstakingly learning how to love their bodies and treat them well. How to be truly kind to themselves and others. How to clean up their side of the street. And they offer that support to other women when it’s time. It’s not easy work at all. In my opinion it is definitely radically world-changing action they are taking. No articles about those women at all to my knowledge.
I get to say that when I absolutely melted down on Sunday night from fear, self-judgment, and self-inflicted rage, my 2 female roommates were SOLIDLY THERE, no questions asked. They sat with me, talked with me, felt some of what I was going through. I guess if we pulled some strings at the Noe Valley Voice, we might get a little mention (kidding….nothing in writing other than this to date!).
I noticed today how I harshly judged a thin pretty blonde woman who has been hired by one of my clients. I assumed automatically he hired her because she’s hot. Gotta clean that stuff up in my mind. It does no one any good. Girlfriend, congratulations to you on being thin, pretty, blonde, and hired! Here’s to me giving you the benefit of the doubt that you’re smart, too, and for me to learn to keep my judging mind shut to thinking otherwise until you prove me wrong.
Sending hugs to all the ladies around the world. Live, please. The world is better with you in it.
Texas cheerleader suing – didn’t root for attacker
Bob Egelko, Chronicle Staff Writer
San Francisco Chronicle November 5, 2010
If you’re a high school cheerleader, you cheer for the whole team. The stars and the scrubs. The nice guys and the jerks.
But what about a player you’ve accused of raping you?
You’ve got to cheer for him too, according to a federal appeals court, because you’re really speaking for the school and not yourself.
The court dismissed a free-speech suit by a Texas teenager who was kicked off the cheerleading squad for sitting silently, with her arms folded, while her assailant shot free throws in a playoff game.
The former cheerleader and her family are appealing the ruling by the Fifth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in New Orleans, which includes an order to pay the school district’s legal fees on the grounds their suit was far-fetched and frivolous.
A case that has gripped a small town in southeast Texas also provides a window into the diminishing state of free speech on campus.
More than 40 years after the U.S. Supreme Court declared that neither students nor teachers “shed their constitutional rights to freedom of speech … at the schoolhouse gate,” the former cheerleader’s judicial rebuff reflects a shift in perspective that has the courts showing more deference to school authorities.
“What I want out of the whole thing is for somebody to admit they were wrong,” the 18-year-old woman, identifying herself by her initials H.S., said in an interview last week. After undergoing therapy and graduating from high school, she’s taking a semester off before college, where she plans to study forensic science, partly because of what happened to her.
The basketball player has pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor assault charge, received a suspended sentence, and is making plans for college and “going forward with his life,” his lawyer said. He has denied raping H.S.
Court’s backtracking
The Supreme Court issued what appeared to be a declaration of free-speech rights on campus in 1969, when it allowed high school students to wear black armbands to protest the Vietnam War and said schools could clamp down only if students disrupted the educational process.
The court started to retrench in 1986 with a ruling allowing a high school to censor a student’s sexually suggestive speech at an assembly. Two years later, the court upheld a high school principal’s authority to prohibit articles on pregnancy and divorce from appearing in a student newspaper.
The Constitution does not require a school “to promote particular student speech,” the court said in a ruling that became a precedent for the H.S. case.
In 2007, the justices allowed a school to suspend a student for carrying a banner that read “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” at a school-approved parade near campus, saying the message could be interpreted as promoting drugs.
These days, “student speech is not given the respect it deserves. …There’s a mind-set that school officials are in total control,” said David Hudson, a Vanderbilt University law professor and scholar with the First Amendment Center who has written about the H.S. case.
Incident at party
H.S., then 16, attended a party in her hometown of Silsbee, Texas, in October 2008. She said she was dragged into a room, thrown onto the floor by several youths and raped by Rakheem Bolton, a star on the school’s football and basketball teams.
Bolton and a teammate were arrested two days later, but were allowed to return to school after a county grand jury declined to indict them. They were later indicted on sexual assault charges, but in the interim came the February 2009 incident on the basketball court.
H.S. joined in leading cheers for the Silsbee High team. But when Bolton went to the foul line, and the cheers included his name, she stepped back, folded her arms and sat down.
“I didn’t want to have to say his name, and I didn’t want to cheer for him,” H.S. said. “I didn’t want to encourage anything he was doing.”
Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/11/05/MNDQ1G1R78.DTL&tsp=1#ixzz14imYxHww
Cadillac loaned me the Crucial Conversations audio companion CD’s. I liked the book a lot. I’ve been slowly downloading the discs and there was one disc that got really stuck. I’ve never seen this happen, but iTunes didn’t recognize it and various tips I followed for getting a dislodged CD out didn’t work for days. Finally today I found online a nifty program trick through Terminal. Once I finally got the disc out, I almost put it right back in the package thinking, I don’t wanna go there again! But once my sweet eyes rested on its titles, I knew it was probably a good idea to persevere with this one. Maybe it just really really needed to get my attention.
“How to Stay in Dialogue When You’re Angry, Scared or Hurt”
“Master My Stories”
“Path To Action”
“Separate Face From Story”
“Downward Spiral”
“The Rest of the Story”
Okay, if I stopped all other personal work and just focused on those topics, I’d STILL have a lifetime of work to do!!
So it’s burning into my consciousness….I mean, my iTunes, now.
(Postscript: When I took it out this time, it somehow flew out of my hands and onto the floor. Hot Potato Disc.)
****************
Note to self: Remember the Dwarf of Forgetfulness from today.
And if you forget again, that’s okay, you’re just being human.
I’ve had a couple of experiences lately of being in a twosome dynamic where I’m in a role on the opposite end of where I used to be. I don’t know how to say that more clearly so I’ll just give the examples.
When I was living and working in community I had the consistent experience of people wanting to build friendships with me, and me saying either in words or actions that I didn’t have the bandwidth for it. Granted, some of that is my social anxiety that has me hide out from building relationships. But truthfully there were times when I genuinely cared about the person, and just wasn’t willing to make space or didn’t perceive that I could make space to spend downtime with them.
Now that I’m out of residential community, I’m more interested in cultivating those downtime relationships. I’m not always great at it, and I still have the social anxiety, but I at least perceive I have more flexibility in my schedule and more willingness.
So there’s one woman who I absolutely adore who I met at OneTaste. She’s fun, interesting, gets the spiritual/sensual exploration, witty (darkly so sometimes, even better), smart, and has done healing work similar to what I’ve done. For a while after I moved out she and I had a monthly friend date. It was SO great knowing I had that to look forward to. I noticed at the time how relieved I felt to have that agreement with her because we didn’t correspond much in between those times, and I really missed her and felt curious in between hang-outs. I remembered someone who practically begged me to make an agreement like that with them. They said they loved being together and didn’t want to totally lose touch with me, which seemed like would happen unless we had that container. (They were right. It did happen. I don’t even know where they live now.)
So at some point the woman dropped off communication or setting date times with me. I called her a couple of times and played it casual, knowing she’s really busy. Then when I didn’t hear back after weeks I emailed her a couple of times. I started to feel that niggling sense of desperation when you just can’t reach someone at all. The last communication was me telling her point blank it would really help for her to just call or email and say she didn’t want to be my friend, that that would be kinder than not saying anything at all. Total silence.
So it hurt and hurt and hurt. Then she and I passed each other on the street recently. Old friends tease me about my “tight-lipped” look. That’s when I can’t hide my disapproval. So this friend who I love and long for got the tight-lipped treatment. We did a quick hug, then she said she was late for a meeting and ran off. Awkward much?
Weeks went by and I felt like a child for having treated her that way. What, my love comes with the condition of communication? So I emailed her to apologize for having given her the cold shoulder. She responded graciously and took responsibility and said back at the time she just didn’t want to disappoint me any further.
I hope someday I can maintain a wide-open approving space for friends no matter how close or far they are to me.
There was another example but I’ve forgotten it by now. There’s yet another example but I’m not willing to share it for the world. LOL I’ve been reading a book on Ethics and am trying to lie less often, even by omission. An interesting study they quote said that people consider themselves 97% trustworthy and consider their friends and coworkers 75% trustworthy. It expands on that with another study that the liar thinks it’s not a big deal, but the one lied to often disagrees!
Oh, I remembered the other example. Yeh, this one has more juice to it for me so I guess I blocked it out from not wanting to feel it. I’m 85% sure I’m transitioning out of a healing community I’ve been participating in. There is 1 person in particular who has exchanged some heated emails with me about it. I read it that she’s feeling defensive of the group and herself, and it’s a bit of an attachment minefield for me. Keep your distance and I come closer. Come running and screaming towards me and I’ll do the same in the opposite direction. So it’s a tough spot but I want to hang in there and not disconnect.
I have been in her shoes. Being a stalwart in a community can be tough when people can come and go easily. I can draw on that experience now to know it just hurts when someone you care about decides to move on.
AND this is tough spot because I don’t know if I’m moving on out of illusion, or out of sensible growth direction that I just can’t know all the details to now. The bottom line of it is I hope to learn something by doing instead of learning how to not do. I think I know how to not do. I know how to submerge and even dissipate desires. Heck, I’ve been known to convincingly act like people or troubles just don’t exist at all, even if they are arm’s length away from me. Not doing, not the problem. Doing and infusing health and connection and flexibility and intuition….that’s what I want AND what I perceive I need guidance and accountability and patience around. And I don’t know what’s fair to expect around that when addiction is at play. Addiction is in my core. I’m open to it disappearing from my life yet I don’t realistically see that happening. The Big Book of AA defines what we addicts get instead of a”cure”, is “a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition”. So today I hope to reach out for that and let those mysterious (or not) tendrils find me and welcome me in. Maybe I’m wrong to leave this community, but if I stayed now it would be out of fear or to please others or to avoid their disappointment. If I go back, it will be that I know I’m choosing it instead of making a non-choice.
Oh gosh, I need to add the totally separate issue that the curtain rod is still not up and the bed is halfway put together thanks to Cadillac stepping in at the midnight hour. My queendom for a crescent wrench and the continued willingness to ask for help when I genuinely need it. FriendWife and I talked yesterday about different ways we seem to prolong our sense of struggle. Whazzup with that.
And I still need and want to learn Quickbooks. There are 2-day classes for $500, which I will not be doing. So I should add to that intention I need and want to learn Quickbooks AFFORDABLY!
I am officially procrastinating. At least I am doing so with journalistic observation. (Thus the Meh.)
I have a written presentation to finish for tonight at 6pm.
I need to buy groceries. The celery sits alone in the fridge.
I have a curtain rod to hang in front of my bedroom closet. (In my defense, I found the drill but still need the drill bits and am waiting on roomie to text me back.) (That’s amusing to me that when read aloud it sounds like I’m waiting on Rumi to text me back. That would be awesome. See below.)
I have a bed to air and assemble. (Yay! New bed. Cadillac commenced with aforementioned menschiness yesterday to squire me and the new bed in and out of Ikea.)
I have a Quickbooks class to find and register for. This is getting into quadruple procrastination with this item.
A Rumi poem, which I’m sure he would text me if he could:
I am blasphemy and religion, pure and impure;
Old, young, and a small child.
If I die, don’t say that he died.
Say he was dead, became alive, and was taken by the
Beloved.
The Enneagram thought of the day for Ones:
In this season of harvest, consider how you have reaped what you have sown in your life. What has insisting on objectivity at the expense of connection with others brought you? How can you learn from your harvest today?
Tonight I listened to one of the fabulous Stanford Entrepreneur series podcasts. If there are rock stars in my life, Stanford entrepreneurs are who I buy tickets to see and throw my panties at on stage. Wow wow wow. So cool. ESPECIALLY the ones in the social responsibility for profit arena.
So right now I’m avoiding painting Sabine the Saboteur. Because I’m intimidated to spend time with her. She’s a f***** b**** in my experience. Yet I want to get below the wave of her vile harpy judgment and find the buried treasure. I do think these voices carry messages. That when I don’t listen or act appropriately, they up the ante.
okay fine. I’m going to light some incense and clear a space to paint. Hold please……
Well I found the paint but Sabine hid the paintbrush. That’s okay darling…fingerpaint never killed anyone and soap and water will work just fine afterwards.
So what do Sabine and social entrepreneurs from Stanford for who I have lust in my brain have in common?
Sabine provided some running commentary while I was listening to the podcast! That gave me some practice. She is so freakin talented at punching right into the soft fleshy parts of my soul.
“You’re not a REAL entrepreneur. You think you’re an entrepreneur, you wanna be. Wanna-be entrepreneur but NOT. You’re just a little assistant.” *spit out the word assistant like you’re saying rat poison as you say this to yourself. that’s how she said it. assistant.* “You’re not doing anything but hanging on to the people doing the REAL work.”
So I’m kind of on the ropes at this point and I didn’t realize that her noise was louder than the fascinating guy talking on the podcast. Oh, he was so smart and charming and well-spoken and they joked about football and it’s so dreamy!
But I recovered a little bit to state back to her….
I’m doing things not everyone can do or wants to do-
I give support beyond just the tasks I’m completing-
And what about the financial counseling service offering and body of knowledge?-
Woah. Some silence. Like 2 seconds of it. I’ll take it!
So I think the lesson is face it, don’t get too stuck, don’t take it too seriously, face it again.
Off to paint. And interact.
The question I asked Google is “How did Peter Pan end?”
Wikipedia describes Peter Pan’s personality as:
“Peter is mainly an exaggerated stereotype of a boastful and careless boy. He is quick to point out how great he is, even when such claims are questionable (such as when he congratulates himself for Wendy’s successful reattachment of his shadow).
Peter has a nonchalant, devil-may-care attitude, and is fearlessly cocky when it comes to putting himself in danger. Barrie writes that when Peter thought he was going to die on Marooner’s Rock, he felt scared, yet he felt only one shudder run through him when any other person would have felt scared up until death. With his blissful unawareness of the tragedy of death, he says, “To die will be an awfully big adventure”.
In some variations of the story and some spin-offs, Peter can also be quite nasty and selfish. In the Disney adaptation of the tale, Peter appears very judgmental and pompous (for example, he called the Lost Boys ‘blockheads’ and when the Darling children say that they should leave for home at once, he gets the wrong message and angrily assumes that they want to grow up).
In the 2003 live-action film, Peter Pan is sensitive about the subject of “growing up”. When confronted by Hook about Wendy growing up, marrying and eventually “shutting the window” on Peter, he becomes very depressed and finally loses the will to fight.”
Okay so I’m getting it why people go to business school. Why they go to law school. Why they work a fulltime job that may feel soul-sucking and they may complain about it, yet they do it every day.
I’m looking for the gray. Having let go of the shore of party-party-fun-fun-assume-someone-else-will-always-take-care-of-me, I drifted for a few days in oh-I-guess-it-does-have-to-suck-and-I-have-to-pretend-it-doesn’t. There is something else, right? And I can find the gray beautiful, right?
I guess you have to admit to being lost before you can let yourself feel found.
Dan Miller is inspiring the heck out of me with his podcast 48 Days. Yay Dan Miller. He comes to us from what he calls his Sanctuary in Tennessee. It’s so wholesome to listen to him. He loves apples. I mean he is really passionate about an apple a day in some form. Dan’s in the gray and he finds it beautiful.
Hi! Thanks in advance for reading! I’m sending you a dose of gratitude.
How do I need you?, you may wonder. Well, among things, I’d appreciate getting your ideas and feedback. I’m going to produce an Unconditional Serenity video podcast. Will be riffing on what I’ve learned, am learning, have not learned, etc.
You can help by submitting questions and topics of interest. My range of expertise is food – sex – money – overall spirituality. You can either email me at beth@unconditionalserenity.com to keep the idea anonymous, or post the idea or question here and let yourself be seen and appreciated for your brilliance. : )
Sample episode ideas that I’m excited to put out there:
* hot monogamy
* how do addicts have healthy connected pleasure
* monthly process for making and following a spending plan
* what on earth do you eat when you give up sugar and flour?
And so forth.
Thanks!
