You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘affirmations’ tag.
I bathed. (I smell like ylang ylang now.)
I read. (Still Committed.)
I ate a yum dinner.
I pet (petted?) a sweet black dawg.
I have my nature/relaxation/spiritual connection plan all lined up for tomorrow.
I allowed myself some frivolous time to watch Natalie Portman on YouTube after watching Black Swan last night. (OMG, I didn’t watch the other nominees’ films, but she TOTALLY earned that Oscar!)
I did writing and got even clearer that my current craving for partnership is muchly based in illusion and false hopes that it will decrease my discomfort in general.
I came to grips that my experimentally short haircut is possibly not something to blame my current lack of a partner on; if I had a hair-dependent partner, then what would happen if I got cancer, or got attacked by a crazy hairdresser in a case of mistaken identity? (People do often think they have met me before.)
Mused on this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZzEk09W0lk , which I was reminded of by Gilbert on page 98:
(from Aristohanes): “Once upon a time …we humans had two heads and four legs and four arms-a perfect melding, in other words, of two people joined together seamlessly in one being….Since we each had the perfect partner sewn into the very fabric of our being, we were all happy… We lacked for nothing; we had no unmet needs; we wanted nobody…We were whole.
But in our wholeness, we became overly proud….The mighty Zeus punished us for our neglect by cutting all the double-headed, eight-limbed, perfectly contented humans in half. thereby creating a world of cruelly severed one-headed two-armed, two-legged miserable creatures. In this moment of mass amputation, Zeus inflicted on mankind that most painful of human conditions: the dull and constant sense that we are not quite whole.”
THANK YOU
THAT IS HOW I FEEL
I’ve tried to affirm it away. “I am whole and complete without a partner.”
But that doesn’t feel true, honestly it just doesn’t! (Now I can see that it more likely than not would still feel untrue, even if I had a partner. But you get my drift.)
Gilbert continues: “For the rest of time, humans would be born sensing that there was some missing part-a lost half, which we love almost more than we love ourselves-and that this missing part was out there sompleace, spinning through the universe in the form of another person.”
YES. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I’VE THOUGHT AND FELT!
Today I started making the painful list of what I think would increase and decrease if I found that great partner I seem to be craving. I get the sense that making the whole list and taking it in will be similar to listening to a fourth grader try to describe a very complicated math theorem. (There, there, dear. 1 part admiration for such audacity, next to 5 parts pity for their thinking they know what they really do not know.) (But you can’t just say that outright because it might hurt their little feelings.)
So I’m clear tonight – yes, I’m somewhat craving. Yet it’s not an unconscious craving, and I don’t have any desire to hurt myself. I am indeed physically feeling desire. But I also do want connection with it – talking, holding; at least upper-middle quality, even if the highest isn’t available on short notice!
(This is opposed to recently when for about 30 seconds I thought I was craving sex with HL; being very present with that and having some good program in me lately, then I realized I was just craving the inevitable “after”….the letdown when the balloon deflates and it feels sooooo familiar. It’s like the sick comfort of going back to the hospital where you had that surgery a few years ago. Yes, you were in pain, but the people kind of took care of you, and meals were regularly timed.)
One of my roommates asked me recently, “Don’t you fall in love when people stroke you?” after I explained more about OMing since I have been doing that more often lately.
I said no. I still feel defensive of the practice and want, in my own codependent way, no one to have a single hesitation or negative thought about it.
But, actually, I think I do fall in love when I’m stroked-in a version of love. And I attribute this craving tonight to that. And if I were of the total abstinence mindset, I would assume it’s best to just not go there. Stop OMing and you won’t have that feeling of falling in love with people.
On nights like this, though, I do not want to do that to my plan, to just abstain. To shove my desire in the category of, “wait until you have at least a moderately acceptable sexual partner, then throw all of it at them like it’s going out of style and hope they survive!”.
A record of how I have gone for it tonight so far. With the intent to connect, and to feel, and to express this flow coming from deep inside of me:
5:35pm, texted HL to see if he would stroke me tonight
After some back and forth, he called it a night and I didn’t see him at all.
7:38am, called an ex who I recently reconnected with. The last time we met and OMed was SO clean and nurturing that I felt very free to call him. (A nice feeling to get to for 2 people who sometimes got to the edge of homicide with each other.) He’s also in for the night. We set up a stroking date for another night, which is pleasing!
7:43pm after hanging up with him, I called a sweet friend who still lives at OneTaste. He’s on the clock and not available tonight. OK. Bummer. It’s tough to keep going for it, but the sensations that are flowing through me make it tougher to not.
7:49pm called someone with whom I haven’t yet OMed but we’ve been trying to set something up. Left message.
7:51pm called former OneTaste roommate who is an excellent no-strings-attached cuddler and appreciator. Left message.
7:53pm called recent traveling partner. Left message.
So it’s seeming like tonight I’m meant to be warm and cozy in my nest listening to the cold rain outside. I’m glad that’s ok. I’m glad I have plenty to focus on. I’m glad I have solo practices and willingness to be intimate with myself. I’m glad I’m out of my feminist phase, of the flavor that I CAN DO IT ON MY OWN, and I’d beat my desire up like she had really messed up this time (again; as if it was a surprise to feel her again). I’m glad I don’t have to go trolling around trying to scratch an itch and feel tired, cold AND deflated. I’m glad for the saying, “this, too, shall pass”. I’m glad that I’ve traveled from a) people who want death are selfish, stupid creatures, to b) it would be a relief to die right now, to c) on my gosh, I feel so much better, I want to live as long as possible!!, to, d) It is what it is, and as far as I can tell it is all good.
My Darling,
It’s hailing, thundering, and lightning right now in San Francisco. It’s the first time in 11 years you’ve seen them all at once and just the third time of seeing any of them individually in that whole time. When people ask you if you miss the East Coast, you tell them a thing you miss a lot is watching thunderstorms from the porch. You saw a bright beautiful rainbow from your back porch this morning while you were eating a quiet breakfast.
Your relational life shifted a whole, whole lot today. Well, it had been going that direction but the deep punctuation came today. It’s kind of like that part of you that was suffering was an animal with a compound fracture and it got a mercy killing today. You send him with love and you’re doing the thing you didn’t know if you’d be able to do. And importantly, you reached out for positive healthy appropriate support when the news you didn’t want to hear came through. That’s how lasting healthy changes start….just one little action. You’re also on the receiving end of a version of the disappearing act you pulled on so many men before. Karma, my love…sometimes you put it out there and it boomerangs back to you. Oh, and don’t forget you did that to your family, too, for a while; oh yeah. Sometimes it’s the human way. Sometimes it’s the best we can do to head for the hills. You even pushed him away a lot in the beginning and you’re doing a great job of remembering that now. Bless you, Karma, for keeping nature in balance.
How perfect is it that you are on a juicy Step 2 revisitation right now? You’ve been getting so much insight from working this step lately. Some of the AA literature is now planted in your mind and you’ve been able to call on it now, specifically this passage:
“The girl we wanted to marry had other notions; we prayed God that she’d change her mind, but she didn’t. We prayed for healthy children, and were presented with sick ones, or none at all. We prayed for promotions at business, and none came. Loved ones, upon whom we heartily depended, were taken from us by so-called acts of God. Then we became drunkards, and asked God to stop that. But nothing happened. This was the unkindest cut of all. ‘Damn this faith business!’ we said.”
But you haven’t damned it this time around. You know it’s for the best. You know that you’re held and safe and protected in the Flow. You caught it that sometimes when you’re out of acceptance with something, that you’re thinking God perhaps made a mistake and you’re waiting for it to be corrected, and promptly. With restitution. Not this time around, my love. Good catch, though!
You’ve grown tremendously recently by writing on the following exercise, and then sharing it with others.
“Write what he actually said. Then write what it feels like he said.”
You have felt the listeners cringe and be kind of mortified at how your mind talks to you. You are not the weak creampuff your mind tells you that you are. You’ve coped with an abuser that happens to live between your ears and you are doing the work to turn even that over. And you know that everything inside of you wants SOMETHING to live, and that part of your work is to choose what things should be fed and get to survive and grow.
You reached a turning point of a crapton of personal work this week, actually just 2 days ago. You noticed in his absence still wanting something from him, which you rationally and evidentially knew he was not able to or willing to provide. You wrote it out to yourself, what you wanted to hear. You finally got it what other people have said about your projecting your own superego into the seeming voice of other people. WOW, what a breakthrough! (No, I’m not being sarcastic. That’s a huge deal.)
4 people you hold dearly in your heart had their positions eliminated this past week, 3 of them seemingly entirely out of the blue. F O U R. That’s a lot of loss. You knew it was “out there” but it hadn’t hit so deeply home for you until this. They are all dealing with it differently, and what a gift to be able to hear what at least 2 of them are going through around it. You remember seeing the book title when you were a little kid, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” and you couldn’t understand for years why bad things would ever happen to good people (and you somehow internalized that if something bad happened then YOU were bad….maybe you should read more than the title of that book!)
You wondered if Agent could be a good job for a Projector (from Human Design). The fabulous experience with that was completing the marketing letters for the children’s book illustrator. AS YOU WERE WALKING TO MAIL THEM, a friend you hadn’t heard from in months happened to call you. When you told the friend what you were up to in that moment, he said, “I’ve written a children’s book, and have been looking for an illustrator! Would you put us in touch?” Wow wow wow wow wow
You had a wonderful experience yesterday babysitting 3 little girls, 6, 5, and 2 years old. When you were playing the White Winged Dove of Peace Queen game with one of them, you asked her if she would share with you her magical powers and give you the ability to use them on other people. She thought about it, and then carefully said,
“No, I can’t do that. When you give your power away, then you only have half a heart. If you were able to find one of those people with 2 hearts who could give you an extra one, then I’d consider it. Otherwise, I need to keep all my heart so I have power to help other people.“
You heard a great share of someone’s early recovery and what helped them. Before she did the addictive thing that she couldn’t stop, she would take at least 1 healthy action. So even though she was acting out, she was building the muscle of taking healthy action. Nice!
You had your first directly professional writing experience this week, which felt wonderful.
You remembered and got solace from the program axiom,
“I don’t have to like it to accept it.“
Your birthday is on Monday. You are going to work your damndest to not focus on what you DON’T have and instead focus on the gratitude of what you do:
-loving friends
-spiritual practices across a wide range that you can do any time
-willingness and ability to sit with feelings
-people who read what you write on this thing (thank you thank you thank you, readers!!!!!!!! you’ve already given me my gift, to be seen!)
-physical health
-renewed love of tennis and motion
-mended relationships with family that feel wonderful
-business and clients that have come your way with ease
-interesting future business partners in a range of fields
-active volunteer position that directly impacts an issue of large significance to you
-massage trade partners
-people to be “real” with
-a home in your favorite city
-and most importantly, connection to spiritual guidance
Bless you at all ages.
You are loved, and wonderful, and you are exactly where you are supposed to be.
After playing tennis tonight, she and I walked back to the car. Just off the courts, a dressed-up young couple asked if one of us would take a picture of them.
I reached for the camera and he said with equal confidence and nervousness: “Actually, you’re taking a picture of me and my new fiancee, as of now”. Dearheart looked like she was the deer in the path of the oncoming car. Then she started to feel it and started crying. She pulled back from him to hide her tears from the camera. She looked beautiful and delicate.
I asked her if she was surprised and gave me a “YESSSSSSS. NOW WHAT?” type of look.
My tennis partner is probably 5 years older than I am, I’d guess. The unspoken thoughts between us as we walked away from playing photographer were palpable. When we were out of earshot, we did joke about the couples’ youth and sense of frozen promise.
The Landmark seminar I attended last night pointed to the usual human dynamic of being resigned and cynical. So, on the one hand, I’d give this couple 6 months tops before things get really bad, maybe unmendably bad. Then I look at, well how do I know that, and what do I actually know about them? How could I not be resigned and cynical about this in particular?
So what’s the difference between really just making a freaking good educated guess and looking at typical patterns, versus the fresh approach of, “I don’t know! Maybe it will work for them! Anything could happen!”
Yes, and…..Really?
So this whole resigned and cynical thing kind of taints the whole world, it seems to me. The state of the markets. Health care. General kindness. And on and on. Without some group of people getting over being resigned and cynical, we would seem to be kind of screwed. To me, it seems we’re pretty much screwed already, but maybe I’m just being resigned and cynical.
I argued with my therapist a couple of weeks ago about freakin’ affirmations. I gotta be honest with you, I have enough mental challenges and I choose to not actively add LYING TO MYSELF to that list. Which is what affirmations can seem like. I like the concrete affirmations. I’m glad I have a safe warm dry place to sleep tonight. I’m glad I have friends who love me as I am. I’m glad I ate delicious healthy food today. Those work for me.
I love myself unconditionally. NO I DO NOT AND SAYING IT DOES NOT MAKE IT SO.
But then where’s the room for growth? How do I learn how to expand my sense of value and worth? How do I run with people playing big fun good games? How do you grow?
I’ll give you a sample About-Face experience. (For those of you who don’t know, About-Face teaches teenagers how to deal with negative effects on body image that media can have.)
Watch this video, even a minute of it. The best bits start at 2:00min.
I used this clip in the presentation I gave today to awesome young women organizing the Women’s Health Summit. The teenagers form a Steering Committee to pick what topics are important to them, then about 1,000 high school women gather together to work on the issues and connect wit each other. Really inspiring.
Back to the video. Questions for you to notice, which we talked about in the workshop today.
How many men do you see in the video?
How many women?
What are the men wearing?
What are the women wearing?
How many men do you see wearing a faceless mask? How many women?
How many men do you see taking their clothes off? How many women?
How many men do you see lying on the floor at another person’s feet? How many women?
You know, the basics.
The types of media manipulation we cover in the workshops are
Fear
Longing
Competition
Sexualization
Did you happen to notice any of those in the video?
(Extra credit if you noticed the irony of the ad at the bottom of the video. “JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.” Uh huh.)
********************
Speaking of the value of scantily-clad women. I had a super experience getting clear with a friend today. She had sent a Facebook request to her guy’s friends to write something about him for his birthday. FriendWife told me about it since I’m not on Facebook. I poured some love into writing it because he is a very dear friend, and sent it to her, and hadn’t heard back whether she got it or not. FriendWife also told me that she heard that he was having a birthday party where the women would be wearing lingerie and FriendWife didn’t get invited because she’s “just his friend”. Okay, I didn’t get invited, either. I must be “just his friend”. Like that’s a downgrade and only toys get to be with him on his birthday.Grr. Judging! Lame.
So instead of stewing in my story, I just called the lady up. Thankfully she answered and we got to get clear. I asked if she had gotten the message I wrote for his birthday. She said oh yes, and what was more, they gave him a gift of surrender at his party. She picked my piece as the one to read to him during the Surrender. (I imagine he was tied to a chair cause that’s how we roll.) She didn’t tell him who wrote it and said he guessed it was me right away. Ahhh, love both ways! She said he was deeply affected and she just hadn’t responded to me. So that felt really good.
I then asked about the party. Said that I didn’t want to come across as entitled to an invitation, but that it did seem funny that the people I heard about were invited and I wasn’t. (A few years ago I would have passed out from the discomfort of a conversation like this!!) She said it was meant to be a tiny gathering of a certain type of person to him, and that people just kept inviting other people unexpectedly. So, okay. That information is good to know. It wasn’t a downgrade, it was more of an etiquette breach that they weren’t aware of.
So even if it was a downgrade, I can still live with that. I just want to know.
I told a potential financial counseling client today that the not knowing became much worse for me than facing the fears of knowing. I want to know.
********************
I picked up a Common Ground magazine today and read about Burning Man. I haven’t thought about this in the longest time, but I got to interview Larry Harvey, one of the founders of Burning Man, twice while I was at OneTaste. Once for the podcast series I did. It was just me and him and Daniel Pinchbeck and they riffed like crazy on philosophical society issues. Then I moderated a forum that about a hundred people came to. Life was so interesting there. Like, those experiences hardly registered on my radar because there was so much going on at the time. It never stopped. Fascinating. So now I get to take a moment and say, wow, I got to interview these cool cats. <Side notes: The kid did not stay in the picture in this case of this video!! Pookie makes the videos at OT.> Enjoy:
*******************
In my continuing exploration of resistance, I got clear on something today.
I’ve been equating peoples’ resistance to hiring me as their coach as something I’ve been doing wrong. Service not high-quality enough. Marketing message not clear enough. Blah blah Beth Wrong blah blah.
Untrue, at least on a basic level. Of course there’s always room for improvement. But I will go crazy if I continue to try to take the blame for other people holding back on doing hard work. I held back, still do sometimes, and that was never a reflection on my teachers.
So I get it that I’m good. My prescence is pretty impeccable. My range is fairly immense. My knowledge of what I need and want to know is more thorough in certain areas than anyone I know of. And I’m fun to work with, regardless of how painful the topic is. I get it. I really get it.
Hang in there, Little Bethie. They’ll get to you when the time is right.
***************
And the time was right for one young woman today after the About-Face presentation. She had asked a couple of dieting questions during the presentation. I did share with the group that I’m in recovery for eating disorders, and that the issue is SOOOOO much better for me than it used to be. We picked out things we love about our bodies, and at some earlier point that would have had me walk out of the room. Or sit there and silently seethe at why the instructor was hurting me so much!
So this woman shared with me afterwards what she hasn’t been able to connect with others around around dieting and body image. Her family tells her she’s fat and thinks she should think it’s funny. Her friends judge her for not doing extreme dieting anymore like they do. And then there’s the assassin between the ears that is alive and well within her. Bless her heart.When the other girls walked by, she pulled her long hair over her face so they wouldn’t see her crying. OMG, bless that child. She worried that she’s a hypocrite for doing work to empower young women when she hasn’t broken free of this issue yet. I told her, and listened as I told her, that if we waited to help others until we were done growing and accepting everything, that we would never help others. And that our shared pain can be a beautiful way to connect and then get better together.
I truly wouldn’t trade having been there today and talking with her for anything. I didn’t earn as much money today as I planned or would have liked. I went through some frustration with getting and returning the equipment. I was nervous to face the topic. The judge between my ears looks at the slick videos/ads/etc and feels hopeless that the juggernaut will ever just let women be how they are, curves and blemishes and emotions and unpredictability and all.
And it’s an irreplaceable experience, just giving freely of one’s self and experience.
I hope you get to have that pleasure.
Awwww yehhhh this is my little affirmation diva. Thanks to my fabu roommate for sending her along!
After watching this video last night, this is exactly how I started my day. I like (this) and I like (that) and I like (this) and I like (that)!
And I love it when she claps in the mirror.
Am headed to meet with an old friend and watch dawgs play. I hope that you get your own equivalent activity today of watching dawgs play. May you bask in delight, look at the world through refreshed eyes, dance in front of a mirror, and feel vulnerable at least one moment today.
To keep myself honest, I’ll tell you that I have a conversation to pursue that I do not want to pursue. Or, in more empowered language, I fear the potential process and the estimated results. It is not a question, though, of if it will be worth it to bring it into reality. Stay tuned.
And remind me to tell you about being welcome in the world……
