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I bathed. (I smell like ylang ylang now.)
I read. (Still Committed.)
I ate a yum dinner.
I pet (petted?) a sweet black dawg.
I have my nature/relaxation/spiritual connection plan all lined up for tomorrow.
I allowed myself some frivolous time to watch Natalie Portman on YouTube after watching Black Swan last night. (OMG, I didn’t watch the other nominees’ films, but she TOTALLY earned that Oscar!)
I did writing and got even clearer that my current craving for partnership is muchly based in illusion and false hopes that it will decrease my discomfort in general.
I came to grips that my experimentally short haircut is possibly not something to blame my current lack of a partner on; if I had a hair-dependent partner, then what would happen if I got cancer, or got attacked by a crazy hairdresser in a case of mistaken identity? (People do often think they have met me before.)
Mused on this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZzEk09W0lk , which I was reminded of by Gilbert on page 98:
(from Aristohanes): “Once upon a time …we humans had two heads and four legs and four arms-a perfect melding, in other words, of two people joined together seamlessly in one being….Since we each had the perfect partner sewn into the very fabric of our being, we were all happy… We lacked for nothing; we had no unmet needs; we wanted nobody…We were whole.
But in our wholeness, we became overly proud….The mighty Zeus punished us for our neglect by cutting all the double-headed, eight-limbed, perfectly contented humans in half. thereby creating a world of cruelly severed one-headed two-armed, two-legged miserable creatures. In this moment of mass amputation, Zeus inflicted on mankind that most painful of human conditions: the dull and constant sense that we are not quite whole.”
THANK YOU
THAT IS HOW I FEEL
I’ve tried to affirm it away. “I am whole and complete without a partner.”
But that doesn’t feel true, honestly it just doesn’t! (Now I can see that it more likely than not would still feel untrue, even if I had a partner. But you get my drift.)
Gilbert continues: “For the rest of time, humans would be born sensing that there was some missing part-a lost half, which we love almost more than we love ourselves-and that this missing part was out there sompleace, spinning through the universe in the form of another person.”
YES. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I’VE THOUGHT AND FELT!
Today I started making the painful list of what I think would increase and decrease if I found that great partner I seem to be craving. I get the sense that making the whole list and taking it in will be similar to listening to a fourth grader try to describe a very complicated math theorem. (There, there, dear. 1 part admiration for such audacity, next to 5 parts pity for their thinking they know what they really do not know.) (But you can’t just say that outright because it might hurt their little feelings.)
So I’m clear tonight – yes, I’m somewhat craving. Yet it’s not an unconscious craving, and I don’t have any desire to hurt myself. I am indeed physically feeling desire. But I also do want connection with it – talking, holding; at least upper-middle quality, even if the highest isn’t available on short notice!
(This is opposed to recently when for about 30 seconds I thought I was craving sex with HL; being very present with that and having some good program in me lately, then I realized I was just craving the inevitable “after”….the letdown when the balloon deflates and it feels sooooo familiar. It’s like the sick comfort of going back to the hospital where you had that surgery a few years ago. Yes, you were in pain, but the people kind of took care of you, and meals were regularly timed.)
One of my roommates asked me recently, “Don’t you fall in love when people stroke you?” after I explained more about OMing since I have been doing that more often lately.
I said no. I still feel defensive of the practice and want, in my own codependent way, no one to have a single hesitation or negative thought about it.
But, actually, I think I do fall in love when I’m stroked-in a version of love. And I attribute this craving tonight to that. And if I were of the total abstinence mindset, I would assume it’s best to just not go there. Stop OMing and you won’t have that feeling of falling in love with people.
On nights like this, though, I do not want to do that to my plan, to just abstain. To shove my desire in the category of, “wait until you have at least a moderately acceptable sexual partner, then throw all of it at them like it’s going out of style and hope they survive!”.
A record of how I have gone for it tonight so far. With the intent to connect, and to feel, and to express this flow coming from deep inside of me:
5:35pm, texted HL to see if he would stroke me tonight
After some back and forth, he called it a night and I didn’t see him at all.
7:38am, called an ex who I recently reconnected with. The last time we met and OMed was SO clean and nurturing that I felt very free to call him. (A nice feeling to get to for 2 people who sometimes got to the edge of homicide with each other.) He’s also in for the night. We set up a stroking date for another night, which is pleasing!
7:43pm after hanging up with him, I called a sweet friend who still lives at OneTaste. He’s on the clock and not available tonight. OK. Bummer. It’s tough to keep going for it, but the sensations that are flowing through me make it tougher to not.
7:49pm called someone with whom I haven’t yet OMed but we’ve been trying to set something up. Left message.
7:51pm called former OneTaste roommate who is an excellent no-strings-attached cuddler and appreciator. Left message.
7:53pm called recent traveling partner. Left message.
So it’s seeming like tonight I’m meant to be warm and cozy in my nest listening to the cold rain outside. I’m glad that’s ok. I’m glad I have plenty to focus on. I’m glad I have solo practices and willingness to be intimate with myself. I’m glad I’m out of my feminist phase, of the flavor that I CAN DO IT ON MY OWN, and I’d beat my desire up like she had really messed up this time (again; as if it was a surprise to feel her again). I’m glad I don’t have to go trolling around trying to scratch an itch and feel tired, cold AND deflated. I’m glad for the saying, “this, too, shall pass”. I’m glad that I’ve traveled from a) people who want death are selfish, stupid creatures, to b) it would be a relief to die right now, to c) on my gosh, I feel so much better, I want to live as long as possible!!, to, d) It is what it is, and as far as I can tell it is all good.
Hi.
Not sure how long or far this one will go, but I’m willing.
Let’s start with the end. Which is kind of a beginning, but you’ll hopefully see what I mean soon enough.
I sent this email just now to Veronica Monet.
“Veronica!
My Higher Power nudged me to offer you help tonight. The topic of how female prostitutes are treated has repeated today in ways that can only be explained spiritually. Got any ideas, off the top of your head?
And I hope all is going very well for you!
Much love
Beth”
I’d like to tell you I wasn’t expecting this, but that wouldn’t be entirely true. I know my OneTaste experience didn’t happen pointlessly, or in a vacuum. I know I haven’t gone through shedding the layers of conditioning and shame and silence and pain, just to then do nothing with it. I know I don’t “have” to listen to this call, and I also know from experience the quicker I surrender to it, the better.
I’m breaking my 9:45 computer curfew to write this out because it’s the type of subject I should explore while the iron is hot. The type of thing that might seem “less important” in the morning. That type of less important when I’ve just given the denial the time to cool over the truth and harden it a bit. But then it hardens inside of me and I just have to have it cracked open another time in another way, anyway, so why not just keep it open now.
I had a wickedly dark sex dream last night. Murder and wife swapping and words carved into skin and police corruption and that’s enough for public consumption.
Already the other details of how prostitution and womens’ health challenges showed up today are swimming, like when I have a detailed dream and don’t write it down and it’s washed away by mid-morning.
The most impactful conversation was with NM. I’m not even ready to tell “everyone” what was said there, but it awakened a little spark in me that I wasn’t even sure was alive. See, I’ve been on this precipice of perceiving that I’m just giving up on sex. That I will never be skilled enough to build bridges with men (or even 1 man) enough to have sex involve emotional intimacy and truthful congruency, in addition to a hot sexual connection which seems to be most easily stoked when I don’t tell my truth. That’s a run-on but I’m leaving it because I don’t want to separate the words from one another. It’s a hollow place to be devoid of hope. Hollowness can create space for peace…..or peril. I wish I could take a survey of all the women who have felt hopeless and considered doing sexwork as a way to fix many problems at once, while giving up on what I can now only know through experience as a dream.
I definitely feel the part of me who loves comfort holding its hat in red agitated hands….why am I saying this, just when things are getting back to normal? Why can’t I just take the easy way? How do I even know if this is real? Am I just trying to get attention in a different way, because I can’t stand the partnerlessness? Am I deliberately trying to sabotage my business?
One of my roommates brought home a movie flyer. We’ve been talking about a house movie night, so that’s not surprising. But, seriously, how did it get to me having several conversations about prostitution today, and then she says, “there’s a sex worker film festival coming up”. I’m telling you, so much primed my attention, enough for me to finally say, okay, I surrender my defenses to this topic.
Do you know how easy it is to sell sex to men? Even a brief fingernail’s hint of maybe possible sex? My lord, VERY easy, and the currency definitely doesn’t have to be money. I do not understand you creatures. Yes, sex gets my attention and takes up bandwidth. Yes, I know it’s not ALL men that react that way. Yes, I know there’s pain and anger and hurt involved on mens’ side, too. But you can’t take my experience away with your own theories, so that’s what I’m putting out here.
I realized today what I like about working with numbers. It helps me have tracks for the train. I see the numbers as little helpers. I also see them as advocates….that when I get on the side of the numbers, then they become like a little healthy army and together we move in the right direction.
What does that have to do with this. I don’t know yet. I’m working through a spiritual call in somewhat real time. I do know I felt hesitant to bring this up because I don’t want to bring any further negative exposure to women. Especially the ones in the most vulnerable and unprotected and perilous situations. And what actual things, such as numbers, do I have to be on my side? Well, I was just told it’s not an I it’s a We.
Again, don’t know where this is going. Faith is not having to know and just putting one foot in front of the other.
Also got a nudge to share with you a list of spiritual solutions that I was given to use in my stepwork. Perhaps not directly related to the above, or else I’d share the clever transition, but sharing both of these things was asked, so I’m willing.
Service
Meta
Affirmations
Gratitude list
Pray for_______
Look for signs of God
Ask for help
Pay my own way
Grieve
Exercise
List strengths of _________
Read acceptance passage of Big Book, p 417
Set boundaries
Meditate
Tell the truth
Reconnect or stay in contact with _________
Talk about my feelings
Listen
Step work
Vote
This helps everything One of James Taylor’s best songs IMHO, done by Marc Broussard, who I’m hoping to see in SF in June. Dear Marc, please bring that little guitar player of yours so he can shred live into my ears. Thank you.
Love the tape deck! Love the black halter and black nails!
I’ve had to cut myself off from listening to anymore Susan Tedeschi today. Love her too but you see I’ve made this playlist of 5 of her songs that talk about being left, lost lover blues, having fallen in love with a sturdy man that she thought would always be there, oh, and the best one for crying is about she can’t reach him because he’s wrapped in the arms of another. OW OW OW OW OW
I know it’s not entirely about me. He’s going through about one of the worst things he could be going through. If I could take that away I would. If I could re-do some of the corporate values that I imagine got him in the awful situation, I would.
A friend told me yesterday, “Beth, you got kicked in the gut. It’s okay to just feel that now. You don’t have to be totally spiritual and accepting. Have your feelings about it.”
There is a program exercise to identify:
“Why is this the best thing that has ever happened to me?”
F***** hell. Oy. Okay might as well. I wasn’t expecting this post to go there.
1) The pain had me reach out to TONS of people and reconnect and be reminded that I’m loved and appreciated.
2) I had a divinely healing experience back on the edge last night, which I will write about separately behind the Silver Curtain. (Oh, and the password issue should be fixed now. Shoot me an email if it still doesn’t work for you. beth@unconditionalserenity.com)
3) The title of this post. Oh my lord, am I feeling those back taxes of relationships that I left immediately and without feeling it at the time. I have SO much gratitude for the ones who made it through and we are still friends. I want to be that brave. E just sent me a Happy Birthday text, for example, and the way I cut him off back then was, now I know, practically unforgiveable. And he forgave me and we’re not the closest of friends but there’s love there that we get to express.
4) Last night FriendHusband was my birthday chauffeur extraordinnaire. At one point in time, the plan was to see Cadillac last night after seeing FriendHusband for an hour or 2 where I probably would have been anxiously awaiting the time I could go get face and body time with Cadillac. Instead, FriendHusband and I had some really sweet rich adventures. One of them, a small but significant one. I returned a due book to the library. I hadn’t finished it but couldn’t renew it. I took a few moments to thumb through it in the car. Oh wow, wouldn’t you know the part I hadn’t read happened to be about grieving the end of relationships. Not the linear total end, that was the interesting thing. It talked about how each phase in the relationship when you get more reality that it’s not perfect, it may not work, it’s not the be all end all, that health is grieving those at the time. Well that’s interesting and I never thought about that. It helped me understand some of the back taxes phenomenon I was talking about paying. Not only were there relationships I jumped ship from without giving them the proper respect, there have also been these losses along the way that I didn’t feel because either we were still ostensibly together, or I didn’t think I “should” feel them or something like that. It also said it’s impossible to grieve the loss of 1 while you’re moving on to another person. Yep, learned that through experience, too. Hope to be more disciplined about that this time around.
5) I’ve been willing to ask for more, for whatever reason. I guess with a cracked open heart and a psychic and emotional place that was vacated by a best friend and lover, there is more willingness on my part to maybe hear No when I ask. And to hear Yes. Example. My roommate asked me this morning if I had any special birthday requests. It culminated in her brushing my hair (one of my favorite treats), French braiding it, and leaving her fabulous essential oils collection in my room to enjoy today. Fun!
There’s more but it’s time to go for now. Thanks again everyone for reading. My critical voice tells me “You just write about yourself. You’re so self-absorbed.” But I know some of the themes are universal. OH! And part of the last night experience that I don’t want to forget is that I consider part of my life’s purpose to be giving people permission to be exactly who they are. That has always been important for me, I just didn’t have words for it until adulthood.
So I pray for today to include myself in that.
I pray that Cadillac travels safely and has a wonderful time.
I pray to engage in my re-exploration (Now behind the Bodily Spiritual Practice header; formerly called Medi) in healthy and conscious ways.
I pray that you know how special you are, and that you express your gifts.
I pray that people get free to be sane and connected and nourished.
I pray that you’ll tell at least one little truth today that you may not otherwise have dared. (Example for me. Morning with Charlie’s Angels included a conversation about my edge play that I had assumed they couldn’t handle. But they did and it was beautiful.)
I pray that you listen to your body well today. Do you need to hydrate? Do you need a hug? Do you need to rest your eyes for a few minutes?
I pray that you welcome every little part of you that wants to speak up.
I’ll leave you with this inspiration from a meditation book.
“One must not lose desires. They are mighty stimulants to creativeness, to love, and to long life.” ~Alexander Bogomoletz
My Darling,
It’s hailing, thundering, and lightning right now in San Francisco. It’s the first time in 11 years you’ve seen them all at once and just the third time of seeing any of them individually in that whole time. When people ask you if you miss the East Coast, you tell them a thing you miss a lot is watching thunderstorms from the porch. You saw a bright beautiful rainbow from your back porch this morning while you were eating a quiet breakfast.
Your relational life shifted a whole, whole lot today. Well, it had been going that direction but the deep punctuation came today. It’s kind of like that part of you that was suffering was an animal with a compound fracture and it got a mercy killing today. You send him with love and you’re doing the thing you didn’t know if you’d be able to do. And importantly, you reached out for positive healthy appropriate support when the news you didn’t want to hear came through. That’s how lasting healthy changes start….just one little action. You’re also on the receiving end of a version of the disappearing act you pulled on so many men before. Karma, my love…sometimes you put it out there and it boomerangs back to you. Oh, and don’t forget you did that to your family, too, for a while; oh yeah. Sometimes it’s the human way. Sometimes it’s the best we can do to head for the hills. You even pushed him away a lot in the beginning and you’re doing a great job of remembering that now. Bless you, Karma, for keeping nature in balance.
How perfect is it that you are on a juicy Step 2 revisitation right now? You’ve been getting so much insight from working this step lately. Some of the AA literature is now planted in your mind and you’ve been able to call on it now, specifically this passage:
“The girl we wanted to marry had other notions; we prayed God that she’d change her mind, but she didn’t. We prayed for healthy children, and were presented with sick ones, or none at all. We prayed for promotions at business, and none came. Loved ones, upon whom we heartily depended, were taken from us by so-called acts of God. Then we became drunkards, and asked God to stop that. But nothing happened. This was the unkindest cut of all. ‘Damn this faith business!’ we said.”
But you haven’t damned it this time around. You know it’s for the best. You know that you’re held and safe and protected in the Flow. You caught it that sometimes when you’re out of acceptance with something, that you’re thinking God perhaps made a mistake and you’re waiting for it to be corrected, and promptly. With restitution. Not this time around, my love. Good catch, though!
You’ve grown tremendously recently by writing on the following exercise, and then sharing it with others.
“Write what he actually said. Then write what it feels like he said.”
You have felt the listeners cringe and be kind of mortified at how your mind talks to you. You are not the weak creampuff your mind tells you that you are. You’ve coped with an abuser that happens to live between your ears and you are doing the work to turn even that over. And you know that everything inside of you wants SOMETHING to live, and that part of your work is to choose what things should be fed and get to survive and grow.
You reached a turning point of a crapton of personal work this week, actually just 2 days ago. You noticed in his absence still wanting something from him, which you rationally and evidentially knew he was not able to or willing to provide. You wrote it out to yourself, what you wanted to hear. You finally got it what other people have said about your projecting your own superego into the seeming voice of other people. WOW, what a breakthrough! (No, I’m not being sarcastic. That’s a huge deal.)
4 people you hold dearly in your heart had their positions eliminated this past week, 3 of them seemingly entirely out of the blue. F O U R. That’s a lot of loss. You knew it was “out there” but it hadn’t hit so deeply home for you until this. They are all dealing with it differently, and what a gift to be able to hear what at least 2 of them are going through around it. You remember seeing the book title when you were a little kid, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” and you couldn’t understand for years why bad things would ever happen to good people (and you somehow internalized that if something bad happened then YOU were bad….maybe you should read more than the title of that book!)
You wondered if Agent could be a good job for a Projector (from Human Design). The fabulous experience with that was completing the marketing letters for the children’s book illustrator. AS YOU WERE WALKING TO MAIL THEM, a friend you hadn’t heard from in months happened to call you. When you told the friend what you were up to in that moment, he said, “I’ve written a children’s book, and have been looking for an illustrator! Would you put us in touch?” Wow wow wow wow wow
You had a wonderful experience yesterday babysitting 3 little girls, 6, 5, and 2 years old. When you were playing the White Winged Dove of Peace Queen game with one of them, you asked her if she would share with you her magical powers and give you the ability to use them on other people. She thought about it, and then carefully said,
“No, I can’t do that. When you give your power away, then you only have half a heart. If you were able to find one of those people with 2 hearts who could give you an extra one, then I’d consider it. Otherwise, I need to keep all my heart so I have power to help other people.“
You heard a great share of someone’s early recovery and what helped them. Before she did the addictive thing that she couldn’t stop, she would take at least 1 healthy action. So even though she was acting out, she was building the muscle of taking healthy action. Nice!
You had your first directly professional writing experience this week, which felt wonderful.
You remembered and got solace from the program axiom,
“I don’t have to like it to accept it.“
Your birthday is on Monday. You are going to work your damndest to not focus on what you DON’T have and instead focus on the gratitude of what you do:
-loving friends
-spiritual practices across a wide range that you can do any time
-willingness and ability to sit with feelings
-people who read what you write on this thing (thank you thank you thank you, readers!!!!!!!! you’ve already given me my gift, to be seen!)
-physical health
-renewed love of tennis and motion
-mended relationships with family that feel wonderful
-business and clients that have come your way with ease
-interesting future business partners in a range of fields
-active volunteer position that directly impacts an issue of large significance to you
-massage trade partners
-people to be “real” with
-a home in your favorite city
-and most importantly, connection to spiritual guidance
Bless you at all ages.
You are loved, and wonderful, and you are exactly where you are supposed to be.
Upon meeting the four year-old boy I’d be sitting for this evening, he says to me,
“ARE YOU A TEENAGER?”
Ha! How droll. No, dear boy. How refreshing for you to be at an age where you can ask a woman about her age as the first question. (Don’t get used to it, kid.)
“WELL, ARE YOU A MOM?”
Okay, that one put slightly more ice in my veins. A direct hit! Fine work, young captain!
Nope, not a mom.
“WELL THEN WHAT ARE YOU?”
I had just left a good friend a message on my way to sit with these little ones that I’ve been thinking a lot about the role of women “of age” who are unnmarried and without kids. How fascinating to have that reflected back immediately.
You of course have not forgotten that it’s my birthday on November 22.
I’ll be 35. Mid-30′s. Next major milestone, 40 (God willing).
Whenever I’ve leaned in to my spiritual wisdom about the will-I-or-won’t-I have kids question, the answer has truly always been an unequivocal,
Hmm. Remains to be seen. Check back later.
I tried on the Definite No for a while just to see if I could get a sense of clarifying closure.
I tried on the Definite Yes for a while just to, well, same thing as before.
You know the saying I quoted earlier? Well, if you missed it, I’ll refresh you.
“This being the case, how shall I proceed?”
These seem to be the case now: I run out of energy quickly. I get frazzled and melt down. I absolutely adore most every kid I’ve ever met. I love to play. I have character defects out the ying yang, and that’s after years of deliberate intentful addressing of removing them. I’m selfish and self-centered. I’m creative. I’m in love with someone who is patiently fond of me, yet who also told me openly he hasn’t really told more than a handful of people about me. I’m cagey about trusting. I have a fiercely generous nurturing side.
So what wins in this jumble in order to know best how I shall proceed?
Recently I heard a great speaker define his version of spirituality. I’ll paraphrase. If I step off the side of a 20-story building, I can pray all I want on the way down but I’m still going to die. If I pray before I jump over the edge for guidance, then something has a chance to help me not jump off the ledge. I don’t have to know how that thing works, I just won’t be dead like I would be in the first scenario.
Okay he said it much more eloquently but it applies to this situation. I can pray and pray and pray and THIS BEING THE CASE is that my body is going through a natural aging process and after a certain point I will no longer be able to, I say this lovingly, breed.
**oh wow. I just looked over in the midst of writing – I’m at the home computer where I’m babysitting and being neither a teenager nor a mom so what am I – and the same pillow my therapist has in her office is sitting next to this computer. I hold onto that pillow for dear life every other week. okay that’s just beautiful enough to get me out of my head about this.**
I’m grateful that a James Brown song is playing at a house nearby and I can hear it but it’s not disturbing the kids.
I’m grateful that I watched a fun movie (Spiderwick) and listened to sweet nighttime music with the kids as they fell asleep tonight.
I’m grateful that I have on my client plate for next week ALL tasks that I want to do and am excited about.
I’m grateful that I’m developing deeper friendships from choice.
I’m grateful that every day I learn more about healthy boundaries.
I’m grateful that while it does seem I’ll be moving in the coming months, the 3 Charlie’s Angels are intending to stick together and move together.
I’m grateful that you’re reading this.
I’m grateful that my body today is healthy and that I’ve learned to love her after years of war.
I’m grateful for kids and adults and everything in between, around, and outside of that range.
This is the soundtrack for this post. Run it in the background, please, friends. Be with me. Bounce with me.
I gave the talk at a meeting yesterday on body image. Inside out.
And have been studying more lately what men and women are looking for/drawn to. Outside in.
Check out this video from the movie Science of Sex Appeal for more specific ‘outside in’ example:
The jealousy stuff factors into this body image conversation. So we have the above 2 categories that have to do with me plus those potentially attracted to me. (Me being anyone in the center of this inquiry.)
Then there’s the category of body image as it applies to those other women (let’s keep it simple for this discussion) who those attracted to me might ALSO be attracted to.
Scarcity would have me (still, the any one of us ‘me’, although it has been true for me Beth, as well) believe that the women in this third category are BAD and SUBTRACTING from the attraction. In that frame the equation would be
me pretty alone + potentially attracted person= good for me
Add the third category and the equation becomes
me pretty + her pretty = less potentially attracted aka bad for me
Okay so it’s not mathematically perfect but it will do.
I truly have been playing with this equation in my mind, especially in light of the ambiguity in the relationship with Cadillac and my not putting any stake in the ground per se about ‘this is what I want no matter what’. My mantra lately is be in the gray, be in the gray. So as I was looking at a woman after my body image talk yesterday, I noticed ‘she is pretty’. I prayed for her, to have direction and pleasure and nourishment. Just me and her in my mind, no threat.
Then that little wise voice knocked on my internal door and presented me with the image of Cadillac also finding her pretty and wanting to get wit her, yew knew what I’m sayin.
I felt a crunch inside. Woah nelly! Nothing happened! And I still felt some pain! That tells me it’s self-generated. Just looking at a girl who didn’t even know she was being looked at, I generate that whole ride inside of myself.
This could be obvious to the entire world except for Beth. YET I’m clearly doing something with this jealousy stuff that, let’s say to be kind…..could be more skillful. I want to think it’s out of my control, that I’m just built as a possessive jealous woman and it’s out of my hands, but it can’t all be biological or even pre-cortex.
I know there are women who like to admire other women with their guys. Good on ya. I admire that. On a great hair day with no hormonal interference after I’ve gotten paid and when there’s someone else interested in me on the side, I MIGHT be able to do that for a few seconds with a main squeeze before closing down in fear or anger or suspicion.
I’ve enjoyed peak experiences of including conscious turn-on between men and more than 1 woman, and every single time there was a hellish emotional crash either during or after. I’d go so far as to describe it as debilitating.
So at the moment I guess I could say I know it’s possible and I haven’t wanted to hurt the quieter gentler parts of me who bear the brunt of the crash.
I guess the little seedlings growing in the garden of my mind revolve around is there a way to do this, and perhaps the best partners to choose around communication style, level of trust, temperament, etc., that could help me very gradually change my thought patterns. I tried the rush-in-no-holds-barred-guns-blazing-skinny-dipping-in-the-polar-bear-club approach for years, and I don’t choose that going forward. I have literally experienced trauma that way. I don’t know why, but I do know what I experienced, and it had the psychological and physiological symptoms. I also chose the totally-avoid-the-topic-emotionally-prepare-to-withdraw approach and that’s not the level of enlivening that I want. Okay so it’s Goldilocks at play, yes, wanting it to be just right, but it’s also wanting to find the livable sustainable gray between black OR white.
I want to want what’s best for everyone.
I want to remember that any curiosity and interest and aliveness is a good thing.
I want to remember I don’t possess any human being, or their emotional state.
I want to be playful under a wide variety of circumstances.
I want to choose health.
I want to invite God and all that means into every single part of my existence, and live in the knowledge that it is all Divine. Nothing left out.
I want to do things because I want to do them, not because I’m afraid of the not doing them.
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I joined an online tennis league today! (Cadillac’s inspiration set the wheels in motion and then the Giants’ athleticism has electrified me. Thanks, guys.)) My goal is to practice once a week and play a league match once a week. I sent my first challenge request within the league. They have 24 hours to respond. ***rubbing little hands together*** I printed the league rules and now Tennis has its own folder at my house. Not only does it have its own folder, I put it in my Live Clients special black folder that separates it from all else! Tennis is my happiness/strategy/athletic/edge-pushing client.
I’ve had a couple of experiences lately of being in a twosome dynamic where I’m in a role on the opposite end of where I used to be. I don’t know how to say that more clearly so I’ll just give the examples.
When I was living and working in community I had the consistent experience of people wanting to build friendships with me, and me saying either in words or actions that I didn’t have the bandwidth for it. Granted, some of that is my social anxiety that has me hide out from building relationships. But truthfully there were times when I genuinely cared about the person, and just wasn’t willing to make space or didn’t perceive that I could make space to spend downtime with them.
Now that I’m out of residential community, I’m more interested in cultivating those downtime relationships. I’m not always great at it, and I still have the social anxiety, but I at least perceive I have more flexibility in my schedule and more willingness.
So there’s one woman who I absolutely adore who I met at OneTaste. She’s fun, interesting, gets the spiritual/sensual exploration, witty (darkly so sometimes, even better), smart, and has done healing work similar to what I’ve done. For a while after I moved out she and I had a monthly friend date. It was SO great knowing I had that to look forward to. I noticed at the time how relieved I felt to have that agreement with her because we didn’t correspond much in between those times, and I really missed her and felt curious in between hang-outs. I remembered someone who practically begged me to make an agreement like that with them. They said they loved being together and didn’t want to totally lose touch with me, which seemed like would happen unless we had that container. (They were right. It did happen. I don’t even know where they live now.)
So at some point the woman dropped off communication or setting date times with me. I called her a couple of times and played it casual, knowing she’s really busy. Then when I didn’t hear back after weeks I emailed her a couple of times. I started to feel that niggling sense of desperation when you just can’t reach someone at all. The last communication was me telling her point blank it would really help for her to just call or email and say she didn’t want to be my friend, that that would be kinder than not saying anything at all. Total silence.
So it hurt and hurt and hurt. Then she and I passed each other on the street recently. Old friends tease me about my “tight-lipped” look. That’s when I can’t hide my disapproval. So this friend who I love and long for got the tight-lipped treatment. We did a quick hug, then she said she was late for a meeting and ran off. Awkward much?
Weeks went by and I felt like a child for having treated her that way. What, my love comes with the condition of communication? So I emailed her to apologize for having given her the cold shoulder. She responded graciously and took responsibility and said back at the time she just didn’t want to disappoint me any further.
I hope someday I can maintain a wide-open approving space for friends no matter how close or far they are to me.
There was another example but I’ve forgotten it by now. There’s yet another example but I’m not willing to share it for the world. LOL I’ve been reading a book on Ethics and am trying to lie less often, even by omission. An interesting study they quote said that people consider themselves 97% trustworthy and consider their friends and coworkers 75% trustworthy. It expands on that with another study that the liar thinks it’s not a big deal, but the one lied to often disagrees!
Oh, I remembered the other example. Yeh, this one has more juice to it for me so I guess I blocked it out from not wanting to feel it. I’m 85% sure I’m transitioning out of a healing community I’ve been participating in. There is 1 person in particular who has exchanged some heated emails with me about it. I read it that she’s feeling defensive of the group and herself, and it’s a bit of an attachment minefield for me. Keep your distance and I come closer. Come running and screaming towards me and I’ll do the same in the opposite direction. So it’s a tough spot but I want to hang in there and not disconnect.
I have been in her shoes. Being a stalwart in a community can be tough when people can come and go easily. I can draw on that experience now to know it just hurts when someone you care about decides to move on.
AND this is tough spot because I don’t know if I’m moving on out of illusion, or out of sensible growth direction that I just can’t know all the details to now. The bottom line of it is I hope to learn something by doing instead of learning how to not do. I think I know how to not do. I know how to submerge and even dissipate desires. Heck, I’ve been known to convincingly act like people or troubles just don’t exist at all, even if they are arm’s length away from me. Not doing, not the problem. Doing and infusing health and connection and flexibility and intuition….that’s what I want AND what I perceive I need guidance and accountability and patience around. And I don’t know what’s fair to expect around that when addiction is at play. Addiction is in my core. I’m open to it disappearing from my life yet I don’t realistically see that happening. The Big Book of AA defines what we addicts get instead of a”cure”, is “a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition”. So today I hope to reach out for that and let those mysterious (or not) tendrils find me and welcome me in. Maybe I’m wrong to leave this community, but if I stayed now it would be out of fear or to please others or to avoid their disappointment. If I go back, it will be that I know I’m choosing it instead of making a non-choice.
Oh gosh, I need to add the totally separate issue that the curtain rod is still not up and the bed is halfway put together thanks to Cadillac stepping in at the midnight hour. My queendom for a crescent wrench and the continued willingness to ask for help when I genuinely need it. FriendWife and I talked yesterday about different ways we seem to prolong our sense of struggle. Whazzup with that.
And I still need and want to learn Quickbooks. There are 2-day classes for $500, which I will not be doing. So I should add to that intention I need and want to learn Quickbooks AFFORDABLY!
Grateful today to be newly of service to a part-time client.
And it’s a welcome-back to the spiritual/sensual realm for me. This time as 100% coach and 0% player.
My knowledge and experience will be utilized, helping someone else get some of what I got.
I like that!
I’ll be sending this client on some high-quality adventures, and probably going along on some, as well, for observing ‘in the field’.We’ll be doing debriefs after the adventures to see what worked, what didn’t, and what are the next steps.
I do get the message in my consciousness, “why are there so many people looking for partnership? There are plenty of available people. What’s up with that?” So this will be a chance to take some action on that. We’re going to try it for a month and see how it goes. Yay.
I wish I could introduce him to some of you 50-somethings out there. BS, you should visit and let’s all talk Marina Warner!! : )
Longer term, I don’t yet feel clear on my overall career organizing principle.
I’m letting go of the cold icy grip I lived in for the past couple of weeks and moving some slight pieces forward to just look around and see what’s there, inside and outside of me.
1) Today I’m completing the application for the Womens’ Initiative Business Class series that begins in June. I almost put this on hold. What if I get a job? What if what if what if. If it’s not right I won’t do it. But I definitely won’t do it at all if I don’t take the necessary step. <<Reality check. I’m going to do this now. THEN I get the dessert of writing to you. Crap. I couldn’t finish it because I need to ask them a question in person. But I did as much as I could, and I left a message for them with my question. Settle down. The class is in January. There’s time.>>
2) Beginning to ask people, how could I monetize my public speaking skills? That’s a big great part of my skillset and what feeds me. I can’t see the details yet, but I’m still shopping for ingredients so of course I don’t know what the soup tastes like yet.
3) Massage again? Maybe. I’m easing back into doing trades, and it’s on my list today to find my massage school notes to brush up. <<Oh, right. Must find those before I finish this, as well. Found them. Sweet.>>
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Okay, this documentary is now on my wanna-see list.
http://www.about-face.org/gow/newten/6/three.shtml
Classic quote: “If you’re going to worry about your health, go to college.”
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I finished Step 12 today in OA for the first time! It only took 6 years! : ) It takes what it takes. And there’s no rush. Tremendously grateful. Next I begin working in a hardcore AA book with my sponsor. I’m excited about that.
Play with this if you like.
A viral movement.
Label yourself with a Treat Me Like A Dog sticker, button, Facebook post, etc.
Why?
2 of my most loving encounters this weekend were with dawgs. I pet them and loved them and laughed with them. It was delightful. Their owners looked like they were feeling left out.
So I say, Treat Me Like A Dog. Your assertion of that will let people know they can be extra friendly and rubby to you. The movement of friendliness and connection could use some momentum and sense of humor to spread like the wildfire it deserves.
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I think part of my life purpose is to work with couples. I started the financial counseling/training/assisting with a new couple today. They’ve been together for 10 years. They are wildly lovely. And like anyone who has been together that long, there are some sore points and things that have gone unexpressed. I enjoyed translating their desires and preferences and joining them with the concrete numbers. We spent about 2 hours and got through a TON of history and they left the session with a September spending plan. It is so good to just start *somewhere*. Just start.
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I asked the guy part of the client couple for a “manslation” (a term coined by FriendWife). Cadillac and I went bathing suit shopping yesterday for me. In the evening, we hot tubbed (yay hot water and new friends). He snapped an iPhone photo of me in the new suit before we hit the tub and emailed it to me on his way out this morning with no words. My eating disordered brain told me he sent it to me to get me the message that I’d better lose some weight or else. ED brain added I’ll make him look bad on the beach in Hawaii, just for some extra credit pain. (Yes, ED got that interpretation from no words of Cadillac’s.) So I asked new client for the manslation of receiving the photo. He said guys aren’t like that. He said if that’s really what Cadillac thought, then he probably would have made a blunter comment than sending a picture with no remarks. He said Cadillac probably liked how I looked and enjoyed sending it to me. Oh. I hadn’t considered that possibility. Part of how I worked with that pinch in my mind this morning was summoning a strong large Polynesian woman to hold me in my mind. To welcome me to the island, and to let myself enjoy it regardless of how I think I look. Hitting a meeting this morning was crazy helpful. I see this disease killing women of all ages….taking our voice and our confidence and any sense of value about ourselves that we “should” have. Grrr.
Okay, as I was searching for images of a polynesian woman, Google images included more photos of Marlon Brando than I can comprehend. Life is a mystery, my friends.
This woman does not expect me to have toothpick arms.
