Today, notice if you want everything tidy, clean, and neat; notice if you believe that nothing should be out of place and there should be no loose ends. (Personality Types, 393)

Loose ends I am tolerating:

~will I do sales relationship work for FH’s neato business?
~will he follow through with getting me the information? when?
~will the new client who kind of disappeared when there was a QuickBooks hiccup resurface, or is that kind of wasted time and I just need to write it off?
~should I buy the extra laptop from Pookie, or just try to find something else now that he has blown off our 2 set meeting times so far?
~is it being a tweaker to get yet another laptop?
~am I supposed to reach a broader audience with my work? if so, what are the best ways to do that?
~when is the best time to book the trip to SC? who else should I try to see when I am there? how long should I plan on being there?
~how many more clients am I able to accept now? if any?
~should I actually follow up on this whole yoga thing? or is it ok in my soul to keep ignoring it?
~MM, I saw Almaas speak yesterday! DiamondHeart home base! so that question is, should I start studying that since I absolutely loved his presence and thoughts?
~how much should I be learning about the more complicated aspects of bookkeeing?
~am I headed on the CFO route, career-wise?
~waiting for other tax documents to arrive. **toes tapping**
~HL said, the last time we were together, "I feel like this is the beginning of the adventure with you." So far it is the no-contact totally silent, I just hear when he asks my friends out on dates, adventure. Yaaaay. Not really. So did I really just get a snow job from an excellent player, or is the remaining interest actually because there is going to be some other friendship that appears between us?
~how long will the attraction last between FH and I? I don’t even want to ask that one, but it is there!

I can’t handle anymore questions right now, at least consciously!!

So yesterday at Almaas, he did some book signing. I just felt called to go right up there, thank him, and offer a little piece of paper. I asked him to write a couple of words that I could carry with me to help me remember. Definitely wanted to share them with you folks. Enjoy!

"Bold adventure is
the essence of love."

"Thursday Mornings Are For Fighting".

FH is lucky that I didn’t push him into oncoming traffic when he left my presence this morning.

I also thought I might have to take this post behind the Silver Curtain. Where I can curse and whatnot.

LafinGuy caught some of the brunt of my feminine fury over the phone after FH left. LafinGuy thought from his head that telling me that he saw a damn survey in like 3 places that says women now make as much money as men do, was a really good idea.

Assholes.

KISS MINE!!!!!!!

Get me back to the Isle of Lesbos. Jeez Louise.

But then a few things shifted in my schedule this afternoon to give me some space.

And I ate my breakfast and my lunch, so the hunger grumpiness abated.

And I got to pet some sweet dawgs.

And I happened upon a sweet little hole in the wall Japanese furniture store near my office. I strolled inside and it kept going and going! They even have a real platform bedroom setup where you must remove your shoes to even look at it. Awesome. (I’m tired of using the word awesome, but this still gets that label.)

And then my great teacher Stevie Wonder reached out to me and sang,

"She doesn’t use love to keep him weak;
She uses love to keep him strong."

and my heart felt healed for the moment.

So the crossroads that FH and I are at, purely from my perspective, to all get current together (including me):

Act One: we met while I lived at OneTaste. What? He exists? Who?
Act Two: he spent more time at OneTaste. He tried very hard to get my attention. It rarely worked. He could not possibly be less consequential to me.
Act Three: we both moved out of OneTaste on our own timelines. What? He exists? Who?
Act Four: ExFriendWife recommends him as a friend. What? That guy? Are you kidding?
Act Five: I get a few more bumps and scrapes doing life my way, and a little voice says, how about trying to make one more nice friend, honey? And I relent, ever so slightly.
Act Six: hey! This guy is okay! He’s not the best, but I no longer need him to go away like a pesky bug!
Act Seven: I awaken under a tree, partially facilitated by his presence and kindness. Wow. This is really something.
Act Eight: him: You are driving me insane and you don’t care. Go away. me: Don’t do that! Just when I might like you a tiny bit!!
Act Nine: I rearrange some internal things and become much kinder and more palatable for his parts, as well as mine. Hey, we are good friends! I lean on him at Thanksgiving, literally, and we both like it a lot.
Act Ten: Christmas. He has a moderate-sized meltdown after we get close again, but not as close as he would like. Spirit whispers to me again, you are ready. Just see what it’s like, honey.
Act Eleven: Luuuuuuuuuurv. Both ways. Amazing. Truly, no sarcasm, one of the best relational experiences I have ever had. Life-changing. He sets goal to raise the bar I have set for how I am treated and interacted with in a relationship. And raise it enough that I never lower it past where we are. I think in this short amount of time, that has been accomplished. Forever grateful for that.

So by my estimation, Act Twelve has been brewing and we hit the stage, with spotlights, last night and this morning. At least it’s a very serious dress rehearsal.

(Oh! Aside! Speaking of dress rehearsal! G, I need my repeating blog peeps to have 2 initials! You are now OG!) : )

But I digress. Act Twelve.

He is the Man. I am the Woman.

The Woman knows good and well that it "doesn’t take much" to make a man happy. Isn’t this knowledge part of the Female Initiation ceremony that doesn’t really happen, but kind of does? Feed him, pet him, don’t bark at him too much, and he’ll be loyal and stay out of your way for the most part, until something heavy needs to be moved.

So I didn’t really need to invoke this operating system for Acts One Through Nine. Who cares if he goes away, really? His existence bugs me more than any pleasure I get out of it, so no big whoop if he moves onto nicer pastures. I had Cadillac and HL to obsess over, too, bless my sweet heart. It takes a lot of time and attention to obsess well, you know. (Or maybe you don’t! Oy.)

Act Ten comes along, and the Show No Bad Scary Bethparts rule is invoked BIGTIME. He’s said several times, "where did those other parts of you go? You’re being so *nice*."

And then when he noticed that, the operating system had to upgrade to make it harder to catch that the Big Sleep was being fronted on him.

Granted, there are more parts of me now that are capable of being kind and doing more than just objectifying a male object of my desire, and deciding whether he IS or IS NOT doing exactly what I want him to do. They just haven’t had the steroids that the "Women Rule, Men Drool, Just don’t say it out loud", parts have been pumped full of for years now.

So then a tricky corner to turn is feeling that war inside of me, and remembering to share it… without loading it into my gun like bullets and shooting him point blank.

(For those of you who missed it, that was just an excellent penis metaphor. Thank you.)

The current representational debate, to cut more to the chase, is what is the role of this woman stroking that man’s penis in a loving relationship? I say representational because, for me, it kind of encapsulates everything. Care. Agreement. Gender roles. Power dynamics. Hygiene. Desire mechanics. Energy expenditure. Truth. Play. Responsibility. Space. Rest. Loyalty. Entertainment. Strength. Obviously, this could go on ad infinitum, which is my point.

No, the other way around (that man stroking this woman’s genitals) does NOT represent the same things for me. You get to decide that for yourself, what who being stroked represents for you. You can go start your own free blog if you want to share a different opinion.

This topic of male stroking was, in my memory, one of the fieriest clashes in my time at OneTaste. Woah! Politics galore! And preferences. And conditioning. And taboos. And fear. And unowned desire. And unowned disgust. And status. And on and on. See! It’s a lot! The money/salary/net worth difference topic gets to have the edge off because it’s rare that you have all of that other person’s assets right in your hands and face and senses so intimately! Yafeelmedogz?

Oopsies, I guess this was an incomplete part of my transition from OneTaste back into world. I assumed that just one Man and one Woman in a relationship would not have that same clash-iness.

Wrong again, Crittario!

Also, I haven’t yet truthfully navigated my clash of preferred-ideological-relationship-stance is Open relationship, and my preferred-emotional-physical-spiritual-relationship-stance I now call Simple. (Now, meaning, I coined that term for myself in this very moment. Ha! I can see the t-shirt now! "Simple, But Not Monogamous" Oh, for your non-hipsters, there is a term called "Straight, But Not Narrow" for sexual preference.)

NY told me today that he is reading and loving a book called Intimacy and Desire. I’ll check that out, probably after I either learn more about Bill Clinton, or chill out with one of my finance books.

http://books.google.com/books/about/Intimacy_and_Desire.html?id=ZOQJQgAACAAJ

Wow, I am truly effectively avoiding the real topic, aren’t I.

So to flush (flesh?) this out some more, here are what some of my chorus members say about whether or not to stroke him. To be clear, I have stroked him, and some parts of me liked it fine, and other parts did not and wanted to burn the house down for my folding back on them. This topic arose, in my view, when he got some awareness that it was maybe not entirely clean what was going on. When he asked me, I told him at least 30% of the truth, enough to have us engage in some difficult conversation and feelings (difficult for me, at least, and I assume him, as well).

I don’t want to take the time to name the different voices yet because it’s like the scene in Its A Wonderful Life when there’s a run on the bank after Billy lost the money. People banging on the door up inside my head and stuf.

So here is where some of them stand on stroking that particular male:

Voice 1: (coach-like pep talk) It’s not that hard. Really. Just do it and get it over with. They think about baseball when they don’t want to come. Just stroke him and think about tennis during, and then you can have your time of getting what you want after.

Voice 2: (pissed as hell) F T S, YOU M’FER (see, this voice kind of needs the Silver Curtain). Why did all your mothers and sisters and grandmothers do their part to start thriving instead of just surviving, and you’re going to do that unexamined just so ANOTHER MAN can get off a little bit? F T S Call the whole damn thing off before you do that!!!!!!!!! Your contribution to the world is going to be caving? Bah!

Voice 3: (gentle, and kind of a martyr) Aww, but he’s so sweet and kind. Can’t you just take care of him like he takes care of you?

Voice 4: (willing, based on calculation) Sure, I’ll do that. It keeps him around, life is more convenient that way. Why not.

Voice 5: (prim) What kind of example are you setting for the young women out there who may look to you as a role model? Would you advise that any of them, "just stroke him and get it over with, honey, no matter how you feel"?

Voice 6: (blase. wants to hit the beach with an umbrella drink.) What is the big deal? If you’re turned onto it, do it! If you’re not, don’t! Jeez. Calm down.

Voice 7: (righteous) You have the chance to alter your entire relationship trajectory. Why would you cave on that just out of fear? Can we just slow the heck down here, and reconnect and digest so much of what has already happened already?? Why must you constantly push SO HARD?

Voice 8: (impatient) YEH! He’s rushing me! I don’t want to be rushed! I don’t ever want to be rushed again!! He’s doing it! He’s bad! He’s a bad, power-hungry, pleasure-hungry, angry man! That’s gross! I hate him!

Voice 9: (wisened) This is part of the deal with a May-December romance, sweetie. You may have less physical time together to work these things out than you would if you were dating someone closer to your age. I advise you to not just stick your head in the sand about this. The best time to face it is now.

And then that’s pretty much my Achilles, that fear of losing him, and then I go back to just wanting to sublimate the entire debate and just wait to examine it after the goodness between he and I passes, in whatever way it will pass.

I’m exhausted. The beach sounds good now.

Thanks for reading. I do miss you when I’m not here.
Oh! But my business is very very good. And I’m overall extremely happy. Sometimes I forget to put it on the outside how much I adore these deep examinations.

What are you examining these days? What is your rhythm at this time of year?

She gave me a Hello Kitty pencil case for Christmas that year and had my heart forever.

She married the first boy I ever kissed, and now she’s reading this blog! (They got married well after the kiss, so don’t worry about it.)

: ))

I’m flirting tonight a bit with workaholism. Been there, done that, got the tired tattoos. Luckily, a key piece of information that would have had me work another 2 hours tonight, easily, is not available to me now. Thank you, universe!

I’m glad I have an office now. Which I will leave at a decent time tonight. I just want to hang out with you a little bit, and catch my breath.

So, catching up, let’s work backwards from tonight.

I played tennis tonight. Doubles. Me and another 3.0 took a set from two 3.5′s. It was surprising and awesome.

On the way there, I called FriendHusband to share a couple of secrets. Something has been bothering me. I bit off all my nails yesterday, and they had actually been looking pretty good. I’ve ‘felt fat’, though I know that’s nothing to believe. I’ve had that soda-can-shaken-up type of feeling. I haven’t wanted to eat meat at all. All pointing to F E E L I N G S.

Before the secrets came out, I called my mentor. Because I had called FriendHusband for celebratory support around a money win today. It pinched a nerve in him. By that nerve being pinched and me saying, "I need to call someone else", my mentor helped me see a little further and more clearly into the future of my business. Also surprising and awesome. I had expected to just get a little pat on the back.

The win before that, which had me shaking like a leaf right after, was me sitting across from two men who I like and admire. Both of them told me No to a request I made around my financial situation. I spoke up in a way that had them change their answer to Yes. Holy crapola. What to even do with that growth?!

Before that, I got a referral from a CPA. A food truck wanting their books done. Now, that is cool. I love seeing business’ numbers. Even better, it’s a BBQ truck. Home cookin’.

Before that (yes, we’re still in today), I got a referral from a tax preparer for a woman who is working on getting out of debt and wants a coach to hold her accountable. Honey, you got the right lady!! I was BORN to hold people accountable!!!!

Before that, I talked with one of the angels, kind of long and deep about my time away with FriendHusband, and then my coming back into the house. (I previously dubbed me and my 2 roommates Charlie’s Angels. Referred to in shorthand as angels.) It was a good talk. Also unexpected, but that’s life, right.

Before that, I flipped a One fit and got upset that FH had his shoes in my room. I really have a hard time with that. I’m embarrassed to tell you I practically threw his shoes out into the hall. (That’s not nice!) There are so few places in the world I can feel clean and relatively germ-free. I know it’s irrational, but I just don’t want shoes in my room. RM, I know ya feel me on this one. Ones Unite!

Before that, I had some of the best set of feelings I’ve ever had with a human being sleeping next to FriendHusband. Holy smokes again. It was like becoming liquid gold together for me. And I don’t mean the furniture polish. I mean real deal high carat sweetness. It even permeated my dreams and I also had fun in my dreams. Then waking up was like a nice dream of its own, and we got to wake up several times together. I think for some of the night I lost all concept of being a single unit human being. His arms around me felt absolutely perfect. This wasn’t even through any special effort I am aware of.

Before that, we had major tension. In the midst of that, we played tennis. But the tension. Awful! Bearable, though. I suppose, also inevitable as two people get closer and closer. Last Wednesday, we also had tension. Thus the title of the post.

He asked a brilliant question at dinner: if I were going to pull away to leave him, how would I do it? And then we both got to see that some of those programs were already in progress! Yes, it should disturb you that the programs run even when I’m feeling deliriously happy. Back door escapes die hard sometimes. It helps to have someone standing right there holding a big flashlight.

Tomorrow….very busy.

Saturday…..very busy. (R, I’ll be at the 8:15. Need to say that one out loud so I don’t flake.)

Sunday…..relaxing. Going to see a teacher with FH at Spirit Rock.

I’m setting my intention to breathe and smile through all of it. Busy, slow, fighting, loving, working lots, playing lots, I want to find that thread of peaceful engagement and live in it.

A former teacher of mine said to be like the rubber ducky in the bathtub. Just float on top of the waves as they come. Easier said than done. But, luckily for me, it got harder to not do so. Float on.

Oh, G, after tennis tonight, I quoted Starstruck and said, "We are all winners." Ol’ skool.

This will likely sound judgey, but I mean it as least judgmentally as possible. Remember the money-giving experience I just wrote about? Friend-wise, HL was the guy snoozing in the grass and FH is the guy walking around with a smile on his face picking cans out of the rubbish bins to sell to recycling centers. I want to know the mechanism inside of me that has me either sit next to the sleeping body, hoping he’ll wake up; or I put on a lot of make-up and go tarty and do a pole dance next to the sleeping body; or, I sit next to the sleeping body and think long and hard about that last time he interacted with me, when he was awake. BETH, HELLO, THE PERSON IS ASLEEP.

I made contact, or was contacted by, a self inside of me tonight who is like a Michelle Pfeiffer/Halle Berry Catwoman. When she’s the cat, that is. I think it was her who had me prowl around HL’s Facebook page tonight after my solo dinner. I think it was her who is pissed as hell at all the sweetness and light with FH. She wants to tear something up for no reason. She wants to graffiti a white church in a language no one can read. She wants to kill a little mouse of a person, and HL did look awfully innocent and alone in his new slew of Facebook photos that all look like he took them of himself. Would anyone really miss him? She thinks not. Just a little treat for us to pounce on and then move on.

So I shared this with FH after recognizing her. I think saying it all is the name of my game for a long time to come. I like how I don’t feel internally brutalized as I notice these things. I like it how when Girlfriend started yelling at me tonight to stop telling Boyfriend so many of the secrets, I got a little impatient, but said the serenity prayer and it passed. I like that I did a half hour of nothing today. I like how I deleted the Facebook app from my phone in hopes that I could gain my lessons in increasingly interesting ways.

I wonder how you meet the different inhabitants of who You are?

I wonder how you forgive yourself and move on?

I wonder how you maximize your love quotient?

I arrived at the bus stop at Golden Gate Bridge and found $6 on the sidewalk. No one else was on the sidewalk. The closest person was a passed-out homeless man in the grass near the stop. I walked over and laid the bills next to him and he didn’t stir at all. I imagined him waking up to a nice surprise.

As I walked back from the grass to the bus stop, I saw an elderly Asian gentleman getting cans out of the trash bins. I looked back and forth between the men several times, like watching a tennis match.

I walked over, took the bills back, the passed-out guy still not stirring a bit, and said to the cans guy, "I found this and would like to give it to you." He chuckled just a bit and accepted it graciously.

This is a tricky distinction. As someone who had serious mental and emotional challenges for a very long time, I know I wouldn’t have made it without folks lending me a hand, even when I bit those hands. I know I at times was listless, grumpy, cloudy, foggy, and ungrateful.

I also know that as an Enneagram One, I tend to see work an effort as good and not producing as bad. I didn’t want to fall into that and I did consider that I didn’t want to create the energy of punishing the laying-down guy.

Part of what I enjoy doing is choosing a different charity to donate to each month. There are so many people doing really great, innovative work that helps the world. It’s tough to choose between them sometimes, but it relieves some pressure knowing I can give to the runner-up the following month.

Looking at social support and trying to catch up with the political shenanigans, I do want to dig in deeper and get clearer on my 2012 stance on what I want to support. It’s interesting to see the Ron Paul campaign have some of the flavor that Democrats used to at least seem to. And I’m embarrassed at how my impressions have nothing but he said she said backing at this point. Gotta start somewhere, tho.

It’s a big puzzle to wrap my mind around. Contemplating it the other night, my mind careened to pointless and hopeless shockingly quickly.

Ok I just took a long break from this while meeting up with FriendHusband. We bought tennis rackets for his house and played together! And it was good! Yahoo!

And I want to write to you first, before this topic gets sneaked away by my Sneaky Sneak.

Also, it was a long busy day. All very fun stuff, but this writing feels like pressing the brake and letting the car decelerate slowly, instead of slamming on the brakes to come to an immediate stop.

So this is a bit odd, in some ways, this communication dynamic. I know (hope?) FriendHusband will read this. I would have talked with him about it, anyway, in follow-up to a phone conversation we had tonight. And I also wanted to share it with you. So writing this kind of has the feeling of talking with him on the phone and he has it on speaker to whoever in the world wants to wander by and listen. And somehow that just feels the most right. When I think of how very trapped I used to be in what I would share with people, and who else may still be trapped out there without full oxygen in their soul……it’s worth it to share it with whoever wanders by.

I suppressed a topic towards FriendHusband at least 3 times today before mentioning it. I assumed, or fell back into the rules….

-it may hurt him to hear me talk about HL
-it may make me less popular with him if I talk about HL, thereby threatening the source of attention I am enjoying so much
-now that I’m technically and officially happy and fulfilled in relationship with FH, I should NOT be thinking about contacting HL again; that would be "pushing my luck"
-given all the happy attention I’m getting from FH, it would be gluttonous and ungrateful of me to go outside of that
-if I’m going to talk about HL, it "should" be with people other than FH, people who may not have as much charge with it, potentially
-haven’t I learned my lesson by now that HL is not interested in the depth with me that I crave from him? shouldn’t I just drop this entirely?

There has been a dead silence with HL since we last saw each other at a party . In case you missed it, I answered his question about how I now see it working with us that I will be glad to run into him, but not likely to spend one on one time with him. Now for some reason that is really touching a soft nerve and it brings tears to my eyes.

But I finally brought the subject up with him (FH, that is) and I’m glad I did. It was a neat experience to have him say out loud, "Well, you have sexual energy with HL" and I couldn’t feel an iota of pinch or ire or punishment or threat along with it. Wow! I want to learn how to do that for others.

I remember being a little girl and needing to keep all the foods on my plate separate. That was very important. I also was always a junior organizer and liked my supplies to be categorized and in their place. Nail polish should go with nail polish. Lipstick with lipstick. I judged women who mixed their cosmetics all jumbled together. I saw that as slovenly, especially when some of the makeup got on the outside of the containers. Roll around in your pig sty, why don’t ya! You are weak for doing it wrong!

That approach goes too far at a certain point. Life is mixing the blush and the foundation. At some point they are going to touch and shift around in the drawer. Excuse the cheese, but I think it demonstrates the point just fine.

So bringing it up with FH feels like mixing, and I appreciate the positive feedback I got for that. I wouldn’t have hesitated to bring up the topic to him when we were "just friends". It’s ironic….there are all of these things that arose as possibilities with HL, that I now enjoy with FH. One of the ideals HL and I had early in our hanging out together was to have no conversational subject off-limits. I wish I could have that with everyone without exception, actually.

So I’m rambling a bit here, dodging the direct topic which is, what do I actually want with HL? He teased me once that if I had to play the "kill, marry, or f**k" game about him, I’d want to choose all 3. Fair enough. But what do I *actually* want in the real world where his participation back towards me has been, shall we say, abbreviated? Succinct? Pint-sized? And he’s had the experience repeatedly of being hurt by me, when I thought the intensity level was at more like a 2 out of 10.

One idea I’m going with now is that I want to know what our souls truly want from each other and give them a chance to experience it. I don’t know what that is. I don’t know if the sexual attraction is just the carrot on front of the rabbit, or if it is somehow the actual experience. I don’t know who or how I need to be with him to make it safe enough, or whatever enough, for him to participate. I don’t know if he means it when he says I impact him, and I’d like to learn more about how to see that with clear eyes without taking it personally in any way. I don’t know if this is a "test" to see if I really am willing to let go of something that my small selves think they want. I don’t know if I’m supposed to go deeper into non-attachment, and the best way to do that is to interact with someone towards whom I feel incredibly sticky attachment who apparently does not have the same issue with me. I don’t know if my feminine needs certain nutrients from his masculine, or vice versa. I don’t know if I’m supposed to help him in some way, or vice versa. I’m pissed that it has the feeling that his soul keeps ringing my soul’s doorbell and then dashing away when I answer the door. So, I think it’s his soul, but I don’t actually interact with it directly unless it’s one of those rare nights when he rings it and stays and it’s incredible. And plenty of people have rung my soul’s doorbell and I haven’t minded sitting on the couch soaking my feet while they ring ring ring; so what is it about this ring that is so different? And am I just making it up because I just got plain hooked and need to just let it go for good?

So it’s nice to piece this through and not feel wrecked by it right now. To know that Love is there, and that I get to enjoy a very active connection with FH.

I don’t know it’s it’s wise to contact HL again, and I don’t know if it’s wise not to contact him. There’s the rub.

Are you ringing anyone’s souls’ doorbell? How do you do it? Why do you do it? Do you run away? Or do you stay there when they open the door?

I did not make this up myself. I would not have assumed that "boyfriend" could have or would have crafted such a wonderful response to *me*.

So here it is. After I wrote to you the last time, this gem was waiting for me the next day in my inbox. (Yes, I asked permission to share it with you!)

"Hello Girlfriend v 2012

BoyFriend v 2012

Respects Girlfriend’s independent personal development, even when she doesn’t. Values all of GF, including parts of her that find him irrelevant or even distasteful.

Keeps his house clean and organized so GF feels comfortable immediately upon entry.

Enjoys time with/without GF; does not depend on GF for finding joy in life. Keeps a strong energetic connection to GF so that she feels safe & secure even if he is spending time with other women. Encourages her to spend time with other men bc he knows that he can’t be everything to her. Delights in her attraction to other men and their attraction to her – with appropriate expression thereof. Knows that GF is an incarnation of the Divine-Feminine. See all women in his woman.

Retains a realistic appraisal of sexual experience, enjoys but doesn’t need, desires without attachment, synchronizes with GF’s desires for expression; never pressures.

Is on guard for GF’s inauthenticity. Prefers real over nice; growth over stability; passion over pride. Values GF’s soul even more than her personality or physicality.

Leads by example. Loves without condition. Follows when the Source moves through her.

Values his and her connection to Spirit above all else. Does not expent the relationship to make him happy. Expects the relationship to cause him to grow, sometimes painfully – if he resists. Knows that this process will reveal the Uncaused Joy of Existence.

Let’s his personality play in the dualistic world and learn from and enjoy it while it can. Values GF experience while it lasts. Plays for Eternity; wants GF’s soul to always fondly remember this time on Earth together. When Spirit says so, lets go.

Love -FriendHusband / Boyfriend"

My musical response; cheesy, yet fun and heartfelt:

And I love the woman in the beginning looking at Money magazine. : )

I do feel lucky!

I dedicate tonight’s writing to her. She is not only not gone, I’d say she is more powerful than ever.

Gentle partnership with FriendHusband, along with working the steps around this persona, are seeming to make a difference. I hope to tread more gently around her. You probably wouldn’t try to murder the driver of the car in which you are a frequent passenger, especially while the driver is behind the wheel.

I did some writing tonight around her rules in relationship. She smiles beautifully on the outside, and would also make an excellent prison guard for her observance of rules and order. There is A way to do things, and compliance is essential. Those who get in the way get taught serious lessons, with long-lasting repercussions.

So, according to her, A Good Girlfriend always must:

~Be nice to him. (AKA, "be sweet")
~Create a good home environment for him. (And look pretty while doing it. And smile while doing it. And act like you don’t mind at all, because you wouldn’t want to make him feel bad. And don’t let him know that you wish he would just do it his damn self so you could come over to a lovely home environment.)
~Love him unconditionally, or at least pretend well to do so, since that kind of love doesn’t actually exist, anyway. Who are we kidding. Love is sacrifice and eternal selling short to keep things decided.
~Stand by her man. (That is her favorite song because then she gets to feel Right.)
~Never let him feel alone. Never let him touch the Void. It’s too scary, it freaks people out, especially fragile males. Keep him strong and propped up.
~Never question his authority. ESPECIALLY if he is an older man. They don’t like that. Just find other ways around it to get your point made, and pretend in the moment that you are actually considering what he is thinking is right. (The loser doesn’t even know we’re pretending.)
~Build up his ego. (There’s a Critical voice now that I’m projecting onto others, saying, Beth, aren’t you over this yet? Don’t you know it doesn’t work? Why are you belaboring the obvious? Why are you just processing what you already know?)
~Create experiences that only leave him with positive, fun associations with you. No tears, unless they are about how much you love him and miss him. No arguments, because that’s what makes men go away. No considering attractions to other men, because, again, men are too fragile to handle that sort of thing. Just bravely keep it inside. Don’t even tell your girlfriends because loose lips sink ships. Also, you never know which one of those bitches is just waiting for a good opportunity to steal your man right away from you. Better handle it alone.
~Keep him sexually pleased and never in want. It works as well as getting stoned and then they don’t go looking for other munchies, because there you are, right in front of his face and in his fantasies all the time. (Are you feeling my pain yet about the challenge of being patient with her?)
~Let him know he is VERY important to you. Practically essential to your survival. Men love that. Just create the *right* type of work for them and it’s like a plug in an outlet.
~Behave, however his most ideal woman would behave. Look for clues and sentiments to study this. Does he like a feisty fighter, followed by hot make-up sessions? Does he like the Submissive? Does he like to get really brainy and intellectual to hang out in headspace while the strong feelings pass? Find out and then just do that consistently. Men also love that, for things to not change too much. But don’t make it seem like you are doing it on purpose because that would insult him.
~Protect him from that which he is most scared of; this could include social gatherings, lack of social gatherings, having feelings, not having feelings. It doesn’t matter. Just do it his way.
~What sums it all up is DON’T ROCK THE BOAT. That could look any given way. Get to learn the boat he likes and then keep that thing happening.

Benefits:
~At least if we are not getting quality attention, we have someone to shower with attention. Give what you want to receive, right?
~Occasional thanks for the hard labor.
~Occasional sexual satisfaction. Well, at least probably as good as it is going to get.
~Certainty. Even if the certainty is that it is hard to keep a man, and lots of effort, and you never quite know if it’s working unless he’s still around, even though he could go at any minute, it’s at least a certain process to try and solidify certainty.
~Blocks out the other women who might try to come and prey on your hard work. Stay away!!!! He’s all mine! I didn’t slave over this man for (however much longer than a day) for you to just come and have fun and exchange energy with him! Go work on your own project!!!
~Don’t have to be big. An important rule is never be bigger than him. It keeps our growth in check, since it takes a certain hidden bigness to stay just slightly smaller than him in all ways. It’s like tracks for a powerful train.
~Don’t have to feel the discomfort of the emptiness of creation. When there is such a concrete goal, my eyes are always on the prize, and the prize is right there in front of me. True creation is much less on-demand, and there seems to be less of a chance of "winning" something for real, like a solid relationship.

Now I have Alutha’s voice in my mind saying, "OK, you’ve listed out what you DON’T want. Now tell us what you DO want."

At ease, soldier!
Easier said than done!

FriendHusband is encouraging me to let out more parts than the Pretty Pleasers. Also easier said than done! I’m getting that dynamic of how hard it can be to leave your abuser. It’s so damn intimate and closeup. Most all of my abusers are within my mind and my energy system. Perhaps they always have been, but the people around me sure have been getting nicer and kinder over time, so by comparison it helps me then see where I am being abusive with myself.

So 12 step says "Act as if".
I shall write here, and act as if I believe I can be free of Girlfriend’s longstanding patterns.

Girlfriend v 2012

~Doesn’t have rules as much as guidelines
~Focuses on Higher PowerS…Spirit and Inspiration can come from anywhere, and we already let go of the goal to find the Ultimate in 1 man’s body.
~Lives in balance. Recovery, Relationship, Self-Exploration, Healthy Exercise and Play, Business as Spiritual Purpose.
~Speaks up. Likes the "kind, necessary, and true" suggestion for what to say, but also values getting the static cleaned off the line, which sometimes requires saying hard scary things that maybe one or both of us do not want to hear.
~Has Pleasure as healthy, sustainable, loving activity which can be found both with self and partner and friends.
~Has left behind compulsiveness and rigidity.
~Explores energetic connections in relation with partner, even if it doesn’t directly include partner at that time.
~Includes partner in her life significantly, without being inseparable.
~Laughs when she gets tripped up on other peoples’ actual or potential opinions.
~Knows it is all already working out, and the practice is to trust MORE, not less.
~Accepts the flow and rhythms of life and that everything that has a body of any kind will have a start, middle, and end. Actually, will have a long series of those.
~Has found delight in mystery, while retaining compassion for the Girlfriend of last version who thought that mystery was a life-threatening condition.

I’m writing to you from quiet Gesalen. It’s 10pm on New Year’s Eve and I decided to donate back to the common good the ticket I had purchased to go to the Spirit Rock NYE thingy. Twice today I just did *not* want to do something I had planned on doing……so I just didn’t do it. Whut?! Thaz rite.

So, um, kind of A WHOLE LOT has happened inside and outside of me since I last wrote to you.

I may have mentioned this previously, but last week the HL obsession went the way of the dodo bird. What a beautiful gift that was, to be freed of needing to objectify someone, and demand even passively that they interact with me on my terms BECAUSE I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. I saw him at a mutual friend’s party on Wed night. That would be 6 days after the obsession was literally lifted. It was such a deep experience, and a way for me to understand it in my body how much had actually changed inside of me, to see him in person again after kind of a long break. I remembered what he looked like, of course; we had spent a lot of time together previously, and lord knows I stalked him enough online in the off hours to know every detail of that pretty face.

I said at first that I didn’t know how much to tell him or not, once we finally sat down to catch up. He guessed immediately, "Are you dating someone already?"

There was a moment where Former Beth would have equivocated like the slickest oil baron. So challenging to just tell the truth sometimes! The pretty little liars in me can think of so many ways we may *lose* by telling the truth, and somehow they do not as much fear how much we could lose by lying!

But I dug my heels in emotionally, and closed the door with HL. "Yes." And I left it at that.

Him, eyes blinking hard. "Are you monogamous?" (in an even more incredulous voice)

Again, I could qualify that. I could give him the welllllll……answer, and in between those extra l’s would have been the unspoken pause that would hopefully keep hope alive within him. The flirtatious and ever-so-suggestive "yes, but…".

Yet, as I previously said and meant, I am done with that. So just another simple "Yes" surely did cross my lips. Because it’s true.

Many have asked, "Who?" "How did this happen so suddenly/" "Why didn’t you tell me?"

Well, let’s take those in order.

Who?…..FriendHusband.

Suddenly?….we spent a quiet Christmas together, perfectly timed right after I got over the obsession to hopefully end the pining empty obsessions. FriendHusband, in his years of consistent attention and sweet nature and endless curiosity, was right there when I woke up to realizing that I am more than ready for a real relationship. A friend in a recent breakup cutely accused me of "hanging out on the bunny slopes" with men who do not meet me emotionally. Yep. That’s true. I wanted life to LOOK a certain way. And it was the best I had at the time, and I’m glad for all of it. Pain and all.

The block removed that seemed to break the camel’s back was that I became willing to stop blocking the love from FriendHusband. He had asked me before over the years if I would cuddle with him. Back at the time, if I would have had a blow torch, I would have used it on him to keep him well away. That was NOT how my life was going to go, thank you very much. We even tried one time, when I was working very hard to grow past my stuckness, to cuddle while watching a movie. Dear lord, it was awful. I think I held my breath the whole time, and probably traumatized us both with how awkward and painful it was for me. I definitely thought back then some version of "I will never do this again".

So I just opened the door a wee bit last weekend, as I recall, and one of us (probably him) came up with the idea that since I HATE the terms cuddle and snuggle (eeoww, gross), we would just call it something else. That Which Shall Remain Nameless was the first suggestion, but it’s really hard to type or say that quickly. So he came up with an acronym, which I very cleverly enough will not use here, so the acronym for That Which Shall Remain Nameless, shall Remain Nameless. : )

So we did that again (That Which Shall Remain Nameless). I had zero expectations for it going well. I think I was willing to just do it again to get it over with to see how bad it would be again.

And it happened to be Heaven. Things have rearranged inside of me enough that I could let the sweet love in. And apparently I had some to give, too. It was incredible! Warm, sweet, flowing, bathing energy between us. An ultimate rightness.

So that was it for a while. FriendHusband was still FriendHusband, with slightly more physical benefit. Again, I don’t recall having an expectation beyond that. He inquired about it, the "more", a couple of times and I was so used to NO, but then the Divine issued an invitation to me. Literally, right after I said No. We were lying there, That Which Shall Remain Nameless’ing, and I had just said No. Case closed. No way, buddy; you’re just my friend. ("Just.")

Then a variety of images flashed past the back of my eyes. My training at OneTaste. The number of guys I had said Yes to who actually did not love me, or were not willing to express it as openly as FriendHusband does. My love of experimentation. How good it feels to share physical healing energy. And all of those things together kind of lifted the burden of No away. I knew I *could* stick with the No, and it was like the eastern wind just switched and started blowing west.

Then, what was funny, was once I said Yes, we got into this funny dynamic of me needing to talk him into receiving it. We were going back and forth a little bit, and then he cracked. "I’m just going to go ahead and go with it, because if this is a mood and it passes and your offer disappears, I’ll have to kill myself." HA. Silly.

And then some sort of Divine flood gates opened. Oh.My.Goodness. I truly have never had such a strong physical *and* emotional *and* (especially) spiritual connection with someone. Not ever. And I did not ever expect it to be possible with FriendHusband. He is much older than I am. I thought that wouldn’t work for me. Now, it does. The maturity is there, and I am just bathing in it. He has such a fascinating past, so full of so many things I am also interested in, so we have tons to talk about. I’ve seen cheesy nuptial stories where someone basically yells off the page, "I get to marry my best friend!!" And honestly I feel that kind of giddy now. I get as a partner my closest friend! The person who has had constant loving attention on me. The person who has seen me through such a huge wide range of ups and downs, and still loves me and the same goes for me towards him.

Jeez Louise, a part of me is like, gag me with a chainsaw. Isn’t this cutesy.

Sorry, it is. I feel wonderful. I feel wrapped in Divine love and so honored to be able to explore more deeply with someone who has gone beyond earning my trust.

I had this sweet moment earlier tonight of seeing a Christmas card in FriendHusband’s mail pile. It was the same family whose Christmas card I saw in his mail pile this time last year. That is so sweet to me. You see, I am used to needing to put my attention on "keeping" someone. Will they stay attracted to me? Will their attention stray to another woman? Will they start dating 2 or 3 or 4 other women and I will need to navigate my nuclear jealousy and fear of abandonment?

Of course, anything can happen, but we both are squarely affixed to following Divine Will in this relationship. I’m in. He’s in. This feels wonderful.

Part of what is fun and challenging is that he works hard to see all of me, not just the Pretty Pretty I want to present since he is now my Partner and I have certain rules inside of me from years past. So I am working on bringing more than Miss Pollyanna to the relationship again. Tonight I told him as we were hugging that I heard a voice inside of me say to me, "You are pathetic". It was mean, and it stung. He sent me into howls of laughter when he said, "Sounds like what they would call it if Cafe Gratitude served Krispy Kreme doughnuts." (Bay Area inside joke…everything on the Cafe Gratitude is like I Am Radiant, I Am Divine, I Am Rapturous, etc.)

So, I’m sure you’ll hear more about this as time goes by. : ) But that is the happy update. He and I both kind of marvel that a huge change like this happened after 4 years of knowing each other. I truly would not have imagined this in my wildest dreams. It feels like such a gift, for us both. I’m so glad to close out 2011 this way. After a day spent just bathing in radiant love. Tonight I get a bit of quiet time, just enough to then welcome him back and start 2012 together. Gag me with a chainsaw again!! : )

Love to you.

I put up my 2012 Intentions page. Check it out. I would love to hear yours, as well.

I’m grateful that we have so many vehicles for free self-expression.

I’m grateful for Love and so very many forms it takes.

I’m grateful for friends who are patient, kind, and funny.

I’m grateful for the healers I get to play and study with in my communities.

I’m grateful for all my teachers, past, present, and future. That includes every ex, obsession, unrequited love, and now, matched powerful love.

May the Divine find you, wherever you are.

Little gifts I’ve been given in the last couple of days, along those lines:

1) After seeing a new client at my office, I took her on a tour. She is a veterinarian. I took her to see what I think is the most magically-decorated space, which happens to be a hair salon (specifically, a pirate hair salon, so they say). There were stencils on the ground outside the pirate hair salon. Once was of a doggy and then we stopped and saw a tiny little teacup pup inside the salon and he came out to say hello. Charmed already. I bet you don’t think it’s going to get any better. It did! The artist who was stenciling on the walls offered to the vet, "want me to paint a dog on your bag?". She was up for it and got a pink and yellow goggie (aka dog) stenciled on her backpack. Custom art! I bet you don’t think it’s going to get any better. I shared with the artist and the pirate hair salon owner that we were celebrating my client doing a good piece of work. I didn’t expect them to ask about it, but they did. I said I’m a financial organizer and bookkeeper, and the artist, who I had judged because of the blue hair and spray painted fingers, asked me if I set up LLC’s. I said I didn’t, and honestly assumed he meant it from a starving artist’s perspective. But I said I had friends I would ask, and he gave me his card. Oh, it just so happens he co-owns a property with a gold mine on it, and someone wants to buy it and therefore they want to incorporate. Neat!! I bet you don’t think it gets any better. I told him I loved his work as we were saying good-bye. The kindest word I can think of, because I do want to compliment his stencils, is "clever". Then he said, oh yes, I paint sidewalk art. WHICH I LOVE. On moments where my little head is heavy and I’m shufflin’ my sad feet along, I see those fish spray painted onto the sidewalk and they always cheer me up. There are big ostrich prints in certain intersections, how clever is that! Wow.

2) Balloon menorah in my ‘hood

http://unconditionalserenity.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/photo-e1324785937334.jpg

3) What’s my current business name?

Love the Zero!

So while shopping in Whole Foods for tonight and tomorrow, something told me to sit outside for a while. I questioned it. Said, but it’s cold, but it’s Christmas Eve, and that thing was just like, yes. Sit here for a few minutes, please, if you don’t mind. So I did.

A woman comes along with her dog and looks kind of nervous, but in a nice way. She looks at me with puppy dog eyes of her own and says, "Would you mind watching my dog?" And I said immediately, yes. She was so nervous that she did that thing where she acted like I had said maybe and kept trying to qualify the request. "He’s a rescue and this is my first time leaving him alone and I just don’t know how he’s going to react." I basically could have said, "Dude, God asked me to sit here. I’m pretty sure you are why. I’m stubborn but I’m not stupid. Go enjoy your shopping, I’ll be here." I didn’t say that, and just said don’t worry about it. So I’m petting her goggie (dawg) and it turns out his name is ZERO. How cool is that! Another way to Love The Zero!

I took a picture of him.

http://unconditionalserenity.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/photo2-e1324786026711.jpg

4) After I sent HL the last text (the genuinely nice one), I didn’t hear back anything. Radio silence. While I no longer feel hooked on him, there were remnants enough of the hooks to have me want to send another text saying, "Did you get my text?" Which is ironic, because that is the medium to which the person did not initially respond. Insanity! That same voice that invited me to sit outside of Whole Foods on Xmas Eve also gave me the message (no pun intended) to just give him some space. That he would read it if and when he was supposed to. That it still was uncertain how it was going to go. And, you know what, I listened to that voice and I heeded it. I was given patience. Me! Patience! Wow, that feels truly like a gift that came from outside of me. HL did text me back tonight, I’m glad about that, and I’m so so so grateful to be able to point my insanities elsewhere. WHEW

Thanks again, peeps, for reading these words. These are neat things happening, but I still wasn’t super happy all day long or anything. I felt some sadness, some loneliness, some uncertainty, some questioning of my worth and my contributions. It helps SO much to digest life with you. If I were writing this to myself it would just really be a very different creature. You all are just another gift under my tree. THANK YOU!!! You are the bubbles in my menorah, the love in Love The Zero! : ))))

Thanks, PS, for the pretty holiday card.
MFcka, I wonder about you and miss you.
Hi Yam! Happy pathwalking!
English Rose, you are on my mind.
Gratitude Partner, I am grateful to you.
Cadillac, I hope you are having a sweet holiday.
Honey G, memories of Christmases past are with me, and I hope you are being good to yourself.
RM, must you wear Grunge Plaid where you are? hee stereotypical humor
MM, I look forward to our January brekky. I hardly wake up early for anyone but you anymore. And every time my iPhone does something neat, I give you all the credit in my mind. It’s like Apple is a one-employee shop in my fantasy world.
Uncle Machete, it was good to see you in the Chinese restaurant photo. I bet you were a riot there, and I love you so much.
BS, I saw your face for the first time on LinkedIn today and I felt like I shouldn’t look, that you should be my distant invisible friend!

If I’m leaving anyone out, it’s just because I don’t know you’re reading. Say hi sometime, will ya!

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night~