I failed to drive home my whole point in the last post, and will do so now. Some time before, I opened back up the can of worms, "should I contact HL again? why the silence when he said it seemed like just the beginning for us, when I saw him last ?". Oy!

This will likely sound judgey, but I mean it as least judgmentally as possible. Remember the money-giving experience I just wrote about? Friend-wise, HL was the guy snoozing in the grass and FH is the guy walking around with a smile on his face picking cans out of the rubbish bins to sell to recycling centers. I want to know the mechanism inside of me that has me either sit next to the sleeping body, hoping he’ll wake up; or I put on a lot of make-up and go tarty and do a pole dance next to the sleeping body; or, I sit next to the sleeping body and think long and hard about that last time he interacted with me, when he was awake. BETH, HELLO, THE PERSON IS ASLEEP.

I made contact, or was contacted by, a self inside of me tonight who is like a Michelle Pfeiffer/Halle Berry Catwoman. When she’s the cat, that is. I think it was her who had me prowl around HL’s Facebook page tonight after my solo dinner. I think it was her who is pissed as hell at all the sweetness and light with FH. She wants to tear something up for no reason. She wants to graffiti a white church in a language no one can read. She wants to kill a little mouse of a person, and HL did look awfully innocent and alone in his new slew of Facebook photos that all look like he took them of himself. Would anyone really miss him? She thinks not. Just a little treat for us to pounce on and then move on.

So I shared this with FH after recognizing her. I think saying it all is the name of my game for a long time to come. I like how I don’t feel internally brutalized as I notice these things. I like it how when Girlfriend started yelling at me tonight to stop telling Boyfriend so many of the secrets, I got a little impatient, but said the serenity prayer and it passed. I like that I did a half hour of nothing today. I like how I deleted the Facebook app from my phone in hopes that I could gain my lessons in increasingly interesting ways.

I wonder how you meet the different inhabitants of who You are?

I wonder how you forgive yourself and move on?

I wonder how you maximize your love quotient?

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