I still need to meditate today.
I will meditate today. 10 minutes, after I write to you.

And I want to write to you first, before this topic gets sneaked away by my Sneaky Sneak.

Also, it was a long busy day. All very fun stuff, but this writing feels like pressing the brake and letting the car decelerate slowly, instead of slamming on the brakes to come to an immediate stop.

So this is a bit odd, in some ways, this communication dynamic. I know (hope?) FriendHusband will read this. I would have talked with him about it, anyway, in follow-up to a phone conversation we had tonight. And I also wanted to share it with you. So writing this kind of has the feeling of talking with him on the phone and he has it on speaker to whoever in the world wants to wander by and listen. And somehow that just feels the most right. When I think of how very trapped I used to be in what I would share with people, and who else may still be trapped out there without full oxygen in their soul……it’s worth it to share it with whoever wanders by.

I suppressed a topic towards FriendHusband at least 3 times today before mentioning it. I assumed, or fell back into the rules….

-it may hurt him to hear me talk about HL
-it may make me less popular with him if I talk about HL, thereby threatening the source of attention I am enjoying so much
-now that I’m technically and officially happy and fulfilled in relationship with FH, I should NOT be thinking about contacting HL again; that would be "pushing my luck"
-given all the happy attention I’m getting from FH, it would be gluttonous and ungrateful of me to go outside of that
-if I’m going to talk about HL, it "should" be with people other than FH, people who may not have as much charge with it, potentially
-haven’t I learned my lesson by now that HL is not interested in the depth with me that I crave from him? shouldn’t I just drop this entirely?

There has been a dead silence with HL since we last saw each other at a party . In case you missed it, I answered his question about how I now see it working with us that I will be glad to run into him, but not likely to spend one on one time with him. Now for some reason that is really touching a soft nerve and it brings tears to my eyes.

But I finally brought the subject up with him (FH, that is) and I’m glad I did. It was a neat experience to have him say out loud, "Well, you have sexual energy with HL" and I couldn’t feel an iota of pinch or ire or punishment or threat along with it. Wow! I want to learn how to do that for others.

I remember being a little girl and needing to keep all the foods on my plate separate. That was very important. I also was always a junior organizer and liked my supplies to be categorized and in their place. Nail polish should go with nail polish. Lipstick with lipstick. I judged women who mixed their cosmetics all jumbled together. I saw that as slovenly, especially when some of the makeup got on the outside of the containers. Roll around in your pig sty, why don’t ya! You are weak for doing it wrong!

That approach goes too far at a certain point. Life is mixing the blush and the foundation. At some point they are going to touch and shift around in the drawer. Excuse the cheese, but I think it demonstrates the point just fine.

So bringing it up with FH feels like mixing, and I appreciate the positive feedback I got for that. I wouldn’t have hesitated to bring up the topic to him when we were "just friends". It’s ironic….there are all of these things that arose as possibilities with HL, that I now enjoy with FH. One of the ideals HL and I had early in our hanging out together was to have no conversational subject off-limits. I wish I could have that with everyone without exception, actually.

So I’m rambling a bit here, dodging the direct topic which is, what do I actually want with HL? He teased me once that if I had to play the "kill, marry, or f**k" game about him, I’d want to choose all 3. Fair enough. But what do I *actually* want in the real world where his participation back towards me has been, shall we say, abbreviated? Succinct? Pint-sized? And he’s had the experience repeatedly of being hurt by me, when I thought the intensity level was at more like a 2 out of 10.

One idea I’m going with now is that I want to know what our souls truly want from each other and give them a chance to experience it. I don’t know what that is. I don’t know if the sexual attraction is just the carrot on front of the rabbit, or if it is somehow the actual experience. I don’t know who or how I need to be with him to make it safe enough, or whatever enough, for him to participate. I don’t know if he means it when he says I impact him, and I’d like to learn more about how to see that with clear eyes without taking it personally in any way. I don’t know if this is a "test" to see if I really am willing to let go of something that my small selves think they want. I don’t know if I’m supposed to go deeper into non-attachment, and the best way to do that is to interact with someone towards whom I feel incredibly sticky attachment who apparently does not have the same issue with me. I don’t know if my feminine needs certain nutrients from his masculine, or vice versa. I don’t know if I’m supposed to help him in some way, or vice versa. I’m pissed that it has the feeling that his soul keeps ringing my soul’s doorbell and then dashing away when I answer the door. So, I think it’s his soul, but I don’t actually interact with it directly unless it’s one of those rare nights when he rings it and stays and it’s incredible. And plenty of people have rung my soul’s doorbell and I haven’t minded sitting on the couch soaking my feet while they ring ring ring; so what is it about this ring that is so different? And am I just making it up because I just got plain hooked and need to just let it go for good?

So it’s nice to piece this through and not feel wrecked by it right now. To know that Love is there, and that I get to enjoy a very active connection with FH.

I don’t know it’s it’s wise to contact HL again, and I don’t know if it’s wise not to contact him. There’s the rub.

Are you ringing anyone’s souls’ doorbell? How do you do it? Why do you do it? Do you run away? Or do you stay there when they open the door?

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