I recall stating on this very blog some time ago that hopefully I had seen the last of The Girlfriend. The character inside of me who is fine as long as a few little criteria are met (find a man, attract him, woo him, keep him, and keep the attention as tight as a drum on HER). No sacrifice of self is too great as long as she has that man locked up tight.

I dedicate tonight’s writing to her. She is not only not gone, I’d say she is more powerful than ever.

Gentle partnership with FriendHusband, along with working the steps around this persona, are seeming to make a difference. I hope to tread more gently around her. You probably wouldn’t try to murder the driver of the car in which you are a frequent passenger, especially while the driver is behind the wheel.

I did some writing tonight around her rules in relationship. She smiles beautifully on the outside, and would also make an excellent prison guard for her observance of rules and order. There is A way to do things, and compliance is essential. Those who get in the way get taught serious lessons, with long-lasting repercussions.

So, according to her, A Good Girlfriend always must:

~Be nice to him. (AKA, "be sweet")
~Create a good home environment for him. (And look pretty while doing it. And smile while doing it. And act like you don’t mind at all, because you wouldn’t want to make him feel bad. And don’t let him know that you wish he would just do it his damn self so you could come over to a lovely home environment.)
~Love him unconditionally, or at least pretend well to do so, since that kind of love doesn’t actually exist, anyway. Who are we kidding. Love is sacrifice and eternal selling short to keep things decided.
~Stand by her man. (That is her favorite song because then she gets to feel Right.)
~Never let him feel alone. Never let him touch the Void. It’s too scary, it freaks people out, especially fragile males. Keep him strong and propped up.
~Never question his authority. ESPECIALLY if he is an older man. They don’t like that. Just find other ways around it to get your point made, and pretend in the moment that you are actually considering what he is thinking is right. (The loser doesn’t even know we’re pretending.)
~Build up his ego. (There’s a Critical voice now that I’m projecting onto others, saying, Beth, aren’t you over this yet? Don’t you know it doesn’t work? Why are you belaboring the obvious? Why are you just processing what you already know?)
~Create experiences that only leave him with positive, fun associations with you. No tears, unless they are about how much you love him and miss him. No arguments, because that’s what makes men go away. No considering attractions to other men, because, again, men are too fragile to handle that sort of thing. Just bravely keep it inside. Don’t even tell your girlfriends because loose lips sink ships. Also, you never know which one of those bitches is just waiting for a good opportunity to steal your man right away from you. Better handle it alone.
~Keep him sexually pleased and never in want. It works as well as getting stoned and then they don’t go looking for other munchies, because there you are, right in front of his face and in his fantasies all the time. (Are you feeling my pain yet about the challenge of being patient with her?)
~Let him know he is VERY important to you. Practically essential to your survival. Men love that. Just create the *right* type of work for them and it’s like a plug in an outlet.
~Behave, however his most ideal woman would behave. Look for clues and sentiments to study this. Does he like a feisty fighter, followed by hot make-up sessions? Does he like the Submissive? Does he like to get really brainy and intellectual to hang out in headspace while the strong feelings pass? Find out and then just do that consistently. Men also love that, for things to not change too much. But don’t make it seem like you are doing it on purpose because that would insult him.
~Protect him from that which he is most scared of; this could include social gatherings, lack of social gatherings, having feelings, not having feelings. It doesn’t matter. Just do it his way.
~What sums it all up is DON’T ROCK THE BOAT. That could look any given way. Get to learn the boat he likes and then keep that thing happening.

Benefits:
~At least if we are not getting quality attention, we have someone to shower with attention. Give what you want to receive, right?
~Occasional thanks for the hard labor.
~Occasional sexual satisfaction. Well, at least probably as good as it is going to get.
~Certainty. Even if the certainty is that it is hard to keep a man, and lots of effort, and you never quite know if it’s working unless he’s still around, even though he could go at any minute, it’s at least a certain process to try and solidify certainty.
~Blocks out the other women who might try to come and prey on your hard work. Stay away!!!! He’s all mine! I didn’t slave over this man for (however much longer than a day) for you to just come and have fun and exchange energy with him! Go work on your own project!!!
~Don’t have to be big. An important rule is never be bigger than him. It keeps our growth in check, since it takes a certain hidden bigness to stay just slightly smaller than him in all ways. It’s like tracks for a powerful train.
~Don’t have to feel the discomfort of the emptiness of creation. When there is such a concrete goal, my eyes are always on the prize, and the prize is right there in front of me. True creation is much less on-demand, and there seems to be less of a chance of "winning" something for real, like a solid relationship.

Now I have Alutha’s voice in my mind saying, "OK, you’ve listed out what you DON’T want. Now tell us what you DO want."

At ease, soldier!
Easier said than done!

FriendHusband is encouraging me to let out more parts than the Pretty Pleasers. Also easier said than done! I’m getting that dynamic of how hard it can be to leave your abuser. It’s so damn intimate and closeup. Most all of my abusers are within my mind and my energy system. Perhaps they always have been, but the people around me sure have been getting nicer and kinder over time, so by comparison it helps me then see where I am being abusive with myself.

So 12 step says "Act as if".
I shall write here, and act as if I believe I can be free of Girlfriend’s longstanding patterns.

Girlfriend v 2012

~Doesn’t have rules as much as guidelines
~Focuses on Higher PowerS…Spirit and Inspiration can come from anywhere, and we already let go of the goal to find the Ultimate in 1 man’s body.
~Lives in balance. Recovery, Relationship, Self-Exploration, Healthy Exercise and Play, Business as Spiritual Purpose.
~Speaks up. Likes the "kind, necessary, and true" suggestion for what to say, but also values getting the static cleaned off the line, which sometimes requires saying hard scary things that maybe one or both of us do not want to hear.
~Has Pleasure as healthy, sustainable, loving activity which can be found both with self and partner and friends.
~Has left behind compulsiveness and rigidity.
~Explores energetic connections in relation with partner, even if it doesn’t directly include partner at that time.
~Includes partner in her life significantly, without being inseparable.
~Laughs when she gets tripped up on other peoples’ actual or potential opinions.
~Knows it is all already working out, and the practice is to trust MORE, not less.
~Accepts the flow and rhythms of life and that everything that has a body of any kind will have a start, middle, and end. Actually, will have a long series of those.
~Has found delight in mystery, while retaining compassion for the Girlfriend of last version who thought that mystery was a life-threatening condition.

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